Health: Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray...

By littlespoon - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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Health

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

Everyone's an expert

By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By OhDear - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By Taco Hell - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By Old and Ugly - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By PrayingForMoney - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

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By purpleivy - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By fmyboss

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By oohrahgal - United States - Clementon

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

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By missclitter - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend, when I had to go pee. Halfway down the aisle, I tripped, screamed, and fell face-first into some guy. My boyfriend is now accusing me of cheating and "flirting" with every man I see. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

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By sharky - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

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By NoorFML - United States

Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML

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By iamatthewroberts - United States

Today, my grandmother told me that not only does she not accept me as a homosexual man, but that she feels my relationship with a little person is "spitting in God's face." FML

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By Ouch

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By Littlebigben

Today, I found a cellphone. I went through the contacts and called the one listed as 'dad' to inform them I could leave it at a cash register of the store I found it in or take it to the police station so they could pick it up. They then called the police, insisting I stole it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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4407

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By JulieKid - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By Brody89 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working as the shift manager at my job at a fast food restaurant. Our company policy states that all employees must be clean shaven before coming to work. I had to inform one of the employees, Kris, that they had to shave before clocking in. Kris is a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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By kimmybr - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

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By INeedMoney - United States

Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll. FML

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By abrazama - United Kingdom

Today, I went down to my accommodation office in fiery wrath, demanding that something be done about my three-days-cold shower. Looking dubious, they sent someone back with me. As soon as we got there he looked at me with deep pity and pulled the cord in the corner that activated the hot water. FML

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By mavstrr1764847 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years proposed to me in front of my entire family. He later confessed that it was part of a dare with his friends because, "There was no way you'd say yes." Guess who has to explain this to all my relatives? FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By swim5 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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31412

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By bornfromhillbillies - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

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By just the tip, though - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

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By Salaryman - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

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Top comments

By TryToBeKind | 0

#824664 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:09

Your girlfriend is either a b**ch, or she is very thoughtless. I would keep this over her head for a long time

By swagga0n1oo | 0

#824686 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:13

maybe she is giving you a sign that she wants her "pussy" wet lol!

COMMENTS

By stickwoman | 0

#824652 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:05

first!!!

warrenx16x | 0

#824662 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:08

wow that sucks bro

george456 | 0

#824705 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:23

YDI for saying "Needless to say" then saying it anyway.

jk, op that sucks. FYL

stickwoman | 0

#824826 - Thursday 4 February 2010 17:23

where's my comment? I demand to be answered :) I worked so hard to be first and my comment's been removed for some reason :(

stickwoman | 0

#824829 - Thursday 4 February 2010 17:26

anyone? Where's my first comment? Or am I the only one who can't see it?

slice_of_fried_g | 0

#824899 - Thursday 4 February 2010 18:18

this^ If it was truly needless you wouldn't say it. This is just one of the trillion reasons I can't read mlia anymore. Also, op, your girlfriend's nuts, heh.

LmaoLolRofl | 0

#824993 - Thursday 4 February 2010 19:11

aw too bad -.-

MINDKONTROLLED | 0

#832332 - Sunday 7 February 2010 5:44

I am the girlfriend! and what my gf left out was that she was standing behind a closed window; i did not get them wet! The kitten was just startled! IDI for not thinking, but I didn't actually get them wet! And i cleaned her scratches too!
PS. for all you silly confused hillbillies who cannot wrap your head around the concept of a same sex relationship-yes we are gay. DUH

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#982279 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 5:32

Aw...is the kitty ok?

By killerviral | 0

#824653 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:05

first and that must suck and sting

Mehness | 0

#824668 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:09

Faaaiiillluuurreee

stickwoman | 0

#824671 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:09

I'm first again. I beat you to it twice. Sorry again :(

stickwoman | 0

#824677 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:11

sorry that comment was meant for the person above you. Stupid iPhone

stickwoman | 0

#824684 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:13

I'm first again. I beat you to it twice. sorry again :(

Shady_R | 0

#824696 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:18

No your not. FYL, get a real one.

stickwoman | 0

#824825 - Thursday 4 February 2010 17:21

where's my first comment?

girlygirl666 | 0

#824845 - Thursday 4 February 2010 17:34

@ stickwoman-Who the fuck cares?!

snakrange | 0

#825692 - Friday 5 February 2010 0:25

cat scratch feva duh nuh nah!

By rogeriskira | 5

#824654 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:06

damn.. sucks

Gringe | 1

#4719320 - Sunday 22 July 2012 13:22

She makes good decisions, that would be really funny!

By TryToBeKind | 0

#824664 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:09

Your girlfriend is either a b**ch, or she is very thoughtless. I would keep this over her head for a long time

shurayuki | 0

#824950 - Thursday 4 February 2010 18:46

you mean boyfriend?

Pmm368 | 5

#825008 - Thursday 4 February 2010 19:22

No, girlfriend...the OP said girlfriend and yes, OP is a woman.

Sholloway | 0

#1610954 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:18

i'd tease her a lot about it, too.

By Jimboom | 11

#824673 - Thursday 4 February 2010 16:10

It only classes as funny if she had a camcorder to capture the whole thing and then later put on youtube. Otherwise you owe her a punch in the ovaries!