Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting...

By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

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Money

Rock, hard place

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Workaholic

By BC94 - 16/7/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

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By lifesuck - 19/9/2010 14:11 - United States

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

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By Facepalmum - 10/1/2013 06:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML

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By father-in-nope - 21/7/2015 15:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

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By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By EmoToyBoy - 30/4/2020 14:00

Spiritual connection

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

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By just die already - 24/4/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By stutterernotschizophrenic - 15/11/2010 03:43

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

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By tinygirl - 7/3/2011 06:16

Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML

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By poor guy - 13/3/2020 05:16 - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By biomajor99 - 22/4/2015 21:46 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2014 03:29 - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By hmacy - 1/10/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML

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By anon - 27/7/2011 00:01 - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By humiliated - 26/2/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 17:37 - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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By mycedes - 26/10/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2014 23:11 - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2019 19:00 - United States - Portland

Treat your pets properly!

Today, I had an argument with my dad about how Alpo dog food is trash and is why his dog keeps having terrible farts and diarrhea. My dad refuses to believe me, so now I'm always scrubbing vile, smelly, mucous-laden dog diarrhea out of the carpet. I'm a pet nutritionist. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 15:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 03:00

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

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By neelloc83 - 2/3/2009 14:22 - United States

Today, I was meeting friends for dinner at an Indian restaurant. I was waiting for the group to arrive and our table to be ready. An Indian man approached me smiling, so I said "We're not ready for our table yet". Then I realized it was my friend's boyfriend who I've met several times. FML

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By SpideyFace - 19/3/2011 01:36 - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

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By sounfair90 - 27/5/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By FML - 2/2/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and that his penis is larger than mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 05:39 - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

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By ClutchJunkie - 5/12/2016 15:44

Today, my classic car that I've put hours of wrench time into burst into flames when I tried to start it. FML

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By Were do we go... - 15/4/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

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By keelah - 27/6/2014 21:57 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML

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By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By terrified - 9/8/2015 03:10 - United States - Forest City

Today, I saw a huge wolf spider in my room. It ran off and hid before I could kill it, but after two hours looking for it then giving up, I finally found it, with my foot, as I put on my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 22:46 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 20:06 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I was at the reading of my grandma's will. Apparently I was removed from it some time ago, and the £2,500 I would have gotten went to my cheating bitch of an ex-fiancée. It seems my grandma adored her, and never forgave me for "driving her away" from the family. FML

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By Kimberlie - 15/3/2011 09:23 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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Top comments

By TheZman | 0

#103103 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:32

You should have proceded to take a needle and pop those bitches

By Nitros_fml | 0

#103143 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:42

Well if she dumps you, say "Hmm isnt the left one slightly bigger?"

No matter who tells her they are fine, it will still eat away at her :)

COMMENTS

By PureGold | 0

#103007 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:25

Eww...fake boobs x(. But still, that's pretty obnoxious of her to say, and it's not fair to you.

By SerenitySilver | 0

#103016 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:25

Slap a ho! Hope one of them pop on her new date

By _Elizabeth_ | 0

#103060 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:40

Well that sucks. Hope you learned your lesson about paying for something for your girlfriend that would help her get other guys. Good job.

By TheZman | 0

#103062 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:35

Ooh that sucks you should have proceeded to pop them with a long needle

By elara15 | 0

#103071 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:41

Maybe she'll blame it on the anesthesia. It could be a bad sense of humor, but maybe you deserve it for financially backing her vanity. Just a thought.

By TuddaTM | 0

#103072 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:21

first.... and wow whata bitch

qwerty475 | 0

#380108 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 23:40

Ouch! NEVER buy your girlfriend anything like that

exotica_fml | 6

#914790 - Thursday 4 March 2010 21:41

mannn not fair...if i could get a bf to pay for a boob job for me i would be forever grateful

sskarma23 | 9

#2971067 - Monday 25 July 2011 9:39

I hope she was joking even then she should be grateful considering you paid for em

By housemd1120 | 0

#103074 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:21

hahahahaha

ryguy1997 | 0

#973625 - Saturday 3 April 2010 17:04

but if op didn't have a "real job" then how did he afford to buy them for her?

By pikachu_01 | 0

#103076 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:22

Ugh. I say dump her!

Rose_916 | 16

#4745535 - Sunday 29 July 2012 0:10

Never pay for the implants if ur not married to her cuz she could've dump u on the spot after u pay for them ! :p but if she wasn't joking FYL

By acousticxxwench | 0

#103086 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:44

that's why you don't date superficial cunts :)

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#103090 - Saturday 11 April 2009 22:45

FHL! Run!!! Sorry dude! But she's fake, time for you to get a real gf! Like hello how many guys do you think would love her for her (like you!) She'll be back. Hope you moved on by then!