By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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Late term

Triage

Backwards world

By Anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, a dog attacked me. Its owner, instead of apologizing and helping me, said it was my own fault for making it think I was an attacker by running past them. We were on a jogging track. FML

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By maddiee. - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

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By Henry

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By kipper

Today, I took my 8 year-old daughter to an airplane museum to show her the kinds of aircraft I’ve worked on during my 30+ year career. In the first 15 minutes, I had grease on my new shirt, bumped my head, spilled coffee and cut my hand. Sums up my career. Only 10 more years to go. FML

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By littlefinger - United States - Foley

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By fuck - United States - Somerville

Today, I scolded my son at a buffet after he pointed at an obese woman in a motorized wheelchair and asked how anyone could let themselves get so unhealthy. As I lectured him on genetics and thyroid problems, she rolled past with a plate stacked with an obscene amount of fried food. FML

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By thefailwhale - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

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By Cat - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

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By Randy Candy - 12/2/2021 17:01 - United States

Poor pillow

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By sauce - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I woke up after a dream where I got it good from none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger. The problem? I'm a guy, and straight. Apparently my subconscious has a fetish for old Austrian bodybuilders. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2021 20:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Our house, in the middle of our street

Today, I realized I could say nothing in my home without being interrupted, talked over, or the subject derailed into a 30 minutes monologue by my housemates. And they wonder why I'm so quiet all the time… FML

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By --- - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

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By … - United States

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, four hours before a test, I received an email from my professor saying that the test had been canceled. When I checked my email again before bed, I found another email from my professor saying that his email had been hacked and the test was was still on. FML

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By HT BaaFly - United Kingdom

Today, after months of unemployment, my only social interaction was with my postman. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Bay

Today, my girlfriend sent me a text message confessing that she's been cheating on me. Apparently she regretted telling me the truth, because when I confronted her face-to-face, she claimed her roommate had sent it as a prank. She doesn't have a roommate. FML

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By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By BracesSuck - United States

Today, I was at the orthodontist. As the lady was clipping my brackets, she missed and clipped my gums instead. She looked at me and said, "Oh sorry, you're bleeding really badly. See, I got these fake nails put on and I guess I'm just not used to them. Let me try again." She missed. FML

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By can't eat paper - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

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By Heethersays - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By bastardddd - United States

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Treats For Days - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

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By ...

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

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Top comments

By JHC88 | 2

#3886697 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:32

Wow, that was really rude of him.

By 123josie123 | 11

#3886717 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:34

Ew they didn't have the decency to wait till you're gone??

COMMENTS

By JHC88 | 2

#3886697 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:32

Wow, that was really rude of him.

Reply

Kyzahhh | 7

#3886834 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:46

He ruined possibly the best chance for a threesome, he should be ashamed of himself

Reply

jellybeans4833 | 7

#3886842 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:46

That would've been so awkward.. Eh. You have a really weird friend by the way..

Reply

Sanch101 | 7

#3887030 - Sunday 15 January 2012 10:24

Very true some people have no consideration.

Reply

eyyitsalejandra | 0

#3887171 - Sunday 15 January 2012 11:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

attaboy368 | 20

#3887892 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:23

And I thought it was bad when my roommate thought I was asleep and brought in someone to his bed for a little shag...you win the awkward moment award friend

Reply

amber34536 | 9

#3888284 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

UtterCatastrophe | 4

#3888327 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:39

94, you're like 12. You don't know anything.

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#3888617 - Sunday 15 January 2012 20:09

You'd be surprised what 12 year old's know nowadays, 95.

Reply

JJambiya21 | 0

#3890217 - Monday 16 January 2012 2:30

Damn, even if he didn't want a 3 some they should have either left or had sex on the floor or still rude but better ask you to leave the room for awhile cuz he's just a douche for trying to kick you off FYL OP .

Reply

blushy | 14

#3898578 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 14:06

i wouldv'e run away myself. what a sick friend

Reply

GnaR_KiLL5150 | 12

#6043585 - Thursday 21 August 2014 2:01

Either move or join in, only 2 options.

Reply

LoZelda123 | 20

#6574855 - Tuesday 5 April 2016 23:48

I'd say equally rude of the friend to try hooking up when you're sharing a bed with your friend -_-; common sense is all but dead

Reply

justinb97 | 16

#7524990 - Monday 7 August 2017 0:19

And her

By CorsairS | 12

#3886700 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

OriginalimoaN | 15

#3888884 - Sunday 15 January 2012 22:05

All those thumbs down are the people who have threesomes with their friends...or who want to..

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#5859503 - Sunday 16 February 2014 2:45

Can you guys just stop and think about it? OPs friend is having sex with her boyfriend on the same bed OP is sleeping on... That's fucked up

By 123josie123 | 11

#3886717 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:34

Ew they didn't have the decency to wait till you're gone??

Reply

girl112891 | 7

#3887714 - Sunday 15 January 2012 14:39

If I woke up to that I'd freak out and shove the both of the bed! That's just sick!

Reply

picturescrazy | 24

#3902315 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:12

I don't understand why she DIDN'T freak out on the both of them. That is just completely inconsiderate and disgusting /:

Reply

Demon_of_Light | 27

#7524209 - Sunday 6 August 2017 9:49

Not to mention, what kind of person has so little self control that they can't wait one night until they aren't sharing a space so intimately with a friend? Those must be some serious animal urges.

By jalapeno64 | 10

#3886720 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:35

Well now you know not to sleep over at your friend's house

By halfbakedlogic | 6

#3886722 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

MilkmanPsycho | 7

#3887609 - Sunday 15 January 2012 13:58

His cock was clearly not blocked.

By perdix | 29

#3886731 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:37

We don't know how good he was. You could have been right about it begin a nightmare!

Reply

Pentium_4 | 26

#3887119 - Sunday 15 January 2012 10:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

4rmMiami | 4

#3890521 - Monday 16 January 2012 4:28

Ur so funny:)

Reply

yesmanddd | 4

#4915942 - Monday 10 September 2012 18:05

It's funny how when posters like person or other 'famous' posters make spelling or grammar mistakes no one corrects them though they probably would have done so had anyone else made that same post. Just saying

Reply

Cyza Tejano | 7

#7523897 - Sunday 6 August 2017 3:31

lol

By superpoptart | 24

#3886772 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:40

Your friend & company should have the decency to kick you out of the room first. That's just a really uncomfortable position to be in.

Reply

cinderellacat | 0

#3886847 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:48

Or they could always just wait till op was not sleeping over like normal people

Reply

alphaskater09 | 9

#3886998 - Sunday 15 January 2012 10:13

Was that a pun referring to an uncomfortable sex position? I thought it was funny

Reply

CadyAsInKatie | 8

#3888743 - Sunday 15 January 2012 20:39

Or the decency to NOT DO IT WHILE SHE'S HAVING A SLEEPOVER! I'd be do pissed, that A) I'd leave that not and not talk to her for awhile and B) never sleep over her house again.

By omfg_creepers | 8

#3886775 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:40

Threesome?

By BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3886785 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:41

Wtf why would you try to have sex when there's someone sleeping RIGHT there.. Fly op they have no decency.

By RoseTintMyWorld | 8

#3886797 - Sunday 15 January 2012 9:42

That's awkward. What were you supposed to do after vacating the bed? Just stay in the room and listen?

Reply

kimmy91 | 12

#3887459 - Sunday 15 January 2012 12:58

Huddle in the corner and cover your ears!!