Health: Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 250

08/03/2011 15:50

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 634

You deserved it 99 439

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mother of the year

Lightweight

16/01/2010 00:44

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 343

You deserved it 6 709

29/06/2009 15:41

Today, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and 2 friends. My uncle passed by me in the mall. He said "What are you baby-sitting or something?" He pointed to the merry-go-round. My boyfriend was sitting on the giraffe yelling at the top of his lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 187

You deserved it 12 689

19/11/2010 23:29

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 839

You deserved it 3 089

23/08/2009 03:29

Today, my work finally hired someone to replace some leaky pipes at work. I work in the basement by myself, and just as I walk under the newly fixed pipes, I get soaked with water. Apparently it was connected to a toilet. My boss couldn't find a replacement so they made me work covered in piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 327

You deserved it 2 342

02/08/2009 03:41

Today, I came home tired and hungry from work. I put my feet up and sat down with a big bowl of chips and salsa. I thought I must have been really hungry because my regular no-name salsa tasted way better than usual. I looked down to examine the jar. Looks like I like the taste of mold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 919

You deserved it 13 897

24/05/2015 14:14

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 209

You deserved it 2 568

13/06/2015 15:47

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 158

You deserved it 2 860

04/10/2017 23:37

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 3 776

05/06/2019 14:06

Spicy

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 398

You deserved it 262

15/02/2010 02:54

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 065

You deserved it 5 568

13/12/2014 16:03

Spicy

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 379

You deserved it 6 811

Take the L

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 09:31

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 961

You deserved it 4 929

17/11/2009 15:32

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 307

You deserved it 28 954

15/12/2012 18:43

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 937

You deserved it 4 634

Healthcare for all

By Broken - 07/01/2021 11:01

Today, thanks to America's opiate epidemic, I can no receive the pain management I require for broken ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 83

15/09/2016 21:11

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 094

You deserved it 2 303

09/02/2012 15:17

Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 761

You deserved it 6 164

28/10/2009 04:22

Spicy

Today, someone left a used condom under the windshield wiper of my car. I didn't notice it until I was driving. And it was raining. It was even tied, so the contents couldn't leak out. I'm not planning artificial insemination anytime soon, but thanks for the thought. Man, I love college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 649

You deserved it 3 077

12/06/2009 15:05

Today, I signed up for an online dating service, a couple of days after my divorce. I got my first batch of matches, and number one was a smiling picture of the woman who had just divorced my ass after 20+ years together. Her profile shows she has to have been active there for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 712

You deserved it 4 357

06/01/2015 20:36

Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 549

You deserved it 3 494

03/09/2015 02:30

Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 704

You deserved it 2 183

08/08/2009 07:18

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 753

You deserved it 83 152

08/11/2009 11:46

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 543

You deserved it 4 407

Can we be friends?

By lonely - 22/03/2021 05:01

Today, my fiancé told me that I need to get out of house and be with my friends. I have no friends here, and my own family doesn’t ever want to go do anything either. I guess I’m not a likable person if even my fiancé is trying to get me out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 758

You deserved it 155

23/03/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 326

You deserved it 1 239

17/09/2016 08:43

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 018

You deserved it 1 847

12/02/2012 09:43

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 12 656

I smell winter

By Anonymous - 19/01/2021 17:02

Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 96

22/03/2009 03:38

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 451

You deserved it 11 340

Thanks dude

By Marcus - 10/04/2021 02:00

Today, I was driving to work when I had to abruptly brake to avoid a pedestrian who had suddenly jumped into the street. As a consequence, my parking ID was pushed in between the dashboard and the windshield. It is literally impossible to get it out before my shift starts. In other words, I'm going to get fined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 109

19/05/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 446

You deserved it 70 170

16/12/2009 12:09

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 476

You deserved it 3 815

02/11/2009 17:30

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 706

You deserved it 3 254

03/06/2011 09:57

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 319

You deserved it 3 374

The Omen 4

By jensoulstealer - 16/03/2020 20:17

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 321

18/02/2009 22:57

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 803

You deserved it 5 070

09/04/2009 05:07

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 336

You deserved it 39 960

30/05/2011 03:27

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 453

You deserved it 3 763

10/12/2013 23:38

Today, while trying to break up with my girlfriend, I somehow ended up begging her not to break up with me. I'm still not sure how that happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 251

You deserved it 21 378

28/08/2009 04:42

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 226

You deserved it 67 593

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Top comments

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:09

Since you're not using it, would you donate your brain to science? They could use it to study the null-brain.

sweet_candy_ 17

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:08

You should have tried it on your friend.

Comments

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:08

Are you a moron??

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:08

Lol stupid

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:13

* claps hands *

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:24

let's see how politically incorrect I can be. she's a woman, a Brit, most likely a blonde, and she was touching a tool instead of a kitchen appliance. do I win?

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:43

WIN ^_^

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:48

You never win when you need to ask..

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:50

24, yes. Yes you do.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 21:25

Yeah you win especially because it's international women's day.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 21:52

Break moments in de-evolution.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 23:19

SUE HIM

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 3:05

what a blonde lol

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 3:12

ima blonde and the top of my class in MIT why does everyone think blondes are stupid? oh ya cuz we're super hot

tsunamisurfer08 3

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 3:44

Top at MIT? I find that hard to believe considering how poorly this was typed. Granted, I do feel the blonde stereotype thing is stupid, but don't be a prime example of why it exists.

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 4:50

i heard a nailgun wont go threw ur skin

SassiestLemon 2

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 6:41

121*

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 7:48

it seems really bad but staples don't hurt that much! unless they lock in then u really have to rip! but honestly not the worst, I've had medical staples and been stapled with those desk ones. it's not the worse but I'm sure it was a surprise!

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:12

You must be really dumb!

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 9:53

dumbass @130 tht is the most beast dark side of the moon pic ever

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 20:15

no I was stabbed and got medical and I stapled my finger twice!

Link5794 18

Wednesday 9 March 2011 21:37

I'm pretty sure it started with Bulma's mother from dragon ball

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Thursday 10 March 2011 4:48

my iPod app reads the first two comments as first...the fuck

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:08

YOU ARE SMART.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:42

you are beautiful

AsianCookie247 14

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:59

hahaha

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 21:23

3 - Wanna go out with me? <3

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 5:50

creeper xD

SassiestLemon 2

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 6:37

Well, she is.

sweet_candy_ 17

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:08

You should have tried it on your friend.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:45

lol!

peppermintstick 0

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:05

Haha! That would have been a lot better of a story, thats for sure!

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:25

Right? Although a regular stapler works on skin, so why wouldn't a staple gun?!?

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:35

im guessing OP is going to try the staple gun next time

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Friday 11 March 2011 22:30

WHY DID THEY DELETE THE FIRST THREE COMMENTS??!

anonymous_guy589 1

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Thursday 3 May 2012 0:21

How did it work out for ya?

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:09

Since you're not using it, would you donate your brain to science? They could use it to study the null-brain.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:10

What? O.o

MemoriesOfOblivi 1

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 20:25

lol! :D

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 23:19

Win.

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 0:57

total Win :)

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Tuesday 26 April 2011 18:37

bi winner

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Sunday 6 May 2012 18:57

WIN!

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:10

totally deserve it. What an idiot.

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Monday 10 December 2012 14:14

OP, did you know that "oranges" spelled backwards is "gullible"?

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 4:32

No it doesn't

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Monday 23 June 2014 20:27

^found the gullible one

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:10

I don't mean to seem stereotypical...but blonde much?

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Monday 4 June 2012 18:43

You seem stereotypical.

yuggi1 11

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:11

You are so gullible, OP. I wonder if the 'let me stick it for a second' works on you.

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 14:34

how bout: makes clenched fist with your thumb knuckle sticking out. close your eyes and tap knuckle against front teeth ten times! this means your smart if you can do it... go on

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Sunday 13 March 2011 15:38

what does that mean?

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:12

If you were a male I would have hoped you were stapling your foreskin together so you wouldn't try to have kids ever. Since you're a female the best I can hope is that you pierced you nipple

yuggi1 11

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:19

Nah, there has been cases where women pierce their labias shut for celibacy reason. Mmhhmm!

YayaInLalaLand 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 8:13

Oh ew. That sounds painful.

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 13:16

;)

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Friday 11 March 2011 18:54

ok whoever u are ur calling her stupid but ur the one who spelled Anonymous wrong!

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:12

Next time try it on your friend.

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:25

or staple her vagina shut ahh wtf, this was for #12

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 19:13

what?!!!?