Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends...

By Finesse7791 - 20/9/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Banished

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Tuture - 30/4/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

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By lauren_rox - 8/11/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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By in debt - 1/11/2018 13:30

Today, a tree fell on our 3-month-old family car. Today, I also learned that my husband never insured it. It's probably scrap, and we still have to pay it off for the next 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - 7/3/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By Nick - 6/8/2013 14:44 - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

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By -_- - 13/5/2015 16:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

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By SingleWorker - 9/1/2010 03:45 - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

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By unwantedforlife - 20/11/2013 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

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By - 30/12/2020 18:00

I am sorry

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

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By offuckingcourse - 6/8/2013 05:07 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to my boss's dinner party. My sister, who also works with me, sat across from me at the table. I felt her kick me so I kicked her back. Then I heard something start crying. It was the boss's baby crawling under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By wished i had a cat - 19/10/2018 17:30

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

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By RatQuiRit - 13/10/2008 08:21

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

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By paulinapo - 28/3/2013 13:52 - United States - Staten Island

Today, while in a public bathroom, I threw out my back. A stranger had to help me pull up my pants. FML

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By mcdman - 19/1/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By fuck you, bitchcake - 10/11/2013 18:26 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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By behold the Underminer - 14/8/2018 13:00

Today, the water company found that a water main has been leaking steadily possibly for decades and has turned the land my house is built on into an underground bog. Cracks have been appearing in my walls for a while, apparently because my house is slowly sinking into it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By Jessica - 8/7/2011 00:58 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

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By Annie - 16/10/2010 08:20 - India

Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML

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By Nick - 10/5/2011 07:37 - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By rainyday - 12/2/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By people suck - 28/3/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 21:46 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a cute, new guy I always run into at work hit on me. Turns out he's only 18. I'm old enough to be his mom. FML

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By sucker - 26/9/2012 17:07 - United States - Milton

Today, after months of believing my marriage has been better than ever, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with our neighbor. I can't afford to move, and I have to see the fake-titted homewrecker every day. FML

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By alejita - 2/3/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By APoorGuy - 15/3/2016 12:08 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 12:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't follow her latest fad of becoming a goth, which involves dressing like an undertaker's haunted hearse and putting on eyeliner. Last week she was into Reggae and beanie hats. FML

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By na - 4/2/2009 14:35 - United States

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

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By dog got ur phone - 7/5/2017 02:00

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2017 01:33

Today, my prom date and his family came over to take pictures. His dad happens to be my mom's gynecologist. FML

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Top comments

By zena_baladi | 3

#576774 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:33

I would let her know that you are not available. Apparently you are not one of her girlfriends so why should you do her a favour.

By blacksunshine | 0

#576723 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:10

Oh that sucks. I have a "friend" who does the exact same thing. I just ignore it... just make sure she pays you what you are worth for babysitting... preferably more... :)

COMMENTS

By Gavik | 0

#576638 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:44

first, bitches

iknowimannoying | 0

#577021 - Sunday 20 September 2009 22:48

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SONS WATCH YOU!

Touch_me_fml | 0

#577042 - Sunday 20 September 2009 23:00

marine10_fml | 0

#975426 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 3:02

do you have any idea how old that gets?

ConnorG | 0

#1857238 - Friday 17 December 2010 15:31

She's not your "girlfriend" then...

By dallasFAN | 0

#576645 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:46

By dick_gozinya_ | 0

#576650 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:47

why does it keep showing me and some other guy as having first comment? It's alternating. Oh well.

Gavik | 0

#576667 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:52

I noticed this as well. Either way, they'll get pissed off at another "first" comment :D

dallasFAN | 0

#576675 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:53

yah i see that too.

By JustSoLost | 8

#576653 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:47

Have fun!! ^^ Lol. Sucks that you were left out. =(

Jollie | 0

#577016 - Sunday 20 September 2009 22:47

well at least your not the ugly chick they always bring the ugly chick

By ScaryPants3 | 0

#576665 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:51

Awh, that just sucks.
Maybe you should be like, uh hey what about me?

By Chopperman_fml | 0

#576686 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:56

Don't do it! Screw that bitch, it's not like you're "girlfriends" anyway.

By realggirl | 0

#576694 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:58

Aw, I'm sorry. :(

By bobby222 | 0

#576704 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:02

YDI for jacking off to fatty porn.

By blacksunshine | 0

#576723 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:10

Oh that sucks. I have a "friend" who does the exact same thing. I just ignore it... just make sure she pays you what you are worth for babysitting... preferably more... :)

By teebonehead | 0

#576750 - Sunday 20 September 2009 20:22

Screw her tell you got plans that night.