Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments...

By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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Miscellaneous

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Assumptions

Everyone's an expert

By oops - 8/8/2011 18:11 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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By Ugly - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at some comments on a silly YouTube video of me dancing with some friends. Someone posted a comment saying "Girl on the right is hot!!!." Next to that, it had about 31 thumbs down. I'm the girl on the right. FML

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By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By crissy becks - 5/8/2012 22:05 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my friends and I planned to go to a waterpark together. However, due to a "miscommunication," I, and only I, was given both the wrong time and the wrong meeting place. I spent three hours sitting in a parking lot in little more than my swimming suit. FML

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By Jen - 20/10/2016 16:32

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By a-non - 2/2/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - 3/8/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By Andy - 4/4/2020 23:00

Stoners of the world unite!

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room doing a spirited rendition of Girls Just Want to Have Fun with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By dangerZone - 27/2/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

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By Cop-er-Pot - 16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. After she left, they told me they disapprove of her because of her supposedly lower social class. Now I have to either dump her or lose the money they set aside to pay for my university tuition. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2009 23:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By savioyr - 15/8/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

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By itachi desu - 8/6/2018 20:30

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By Melting in Texas - 9/8/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

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By Musicfreak - 18/12/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

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By forever alone - 19/6/2014 22:26 - United States - Pawling

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

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By SweeT - 25/10/2008 16:55

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By sadsexer23 - 16/2/2010 03:10 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2014 02:34 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I am still coughing. I was diagnosed with whooping cough last week, which apparently cannot be treated. Basically, it appears I'm a 19th century English peasant. FML

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By 221bcompanion - 18/1/2016 05:18 - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By Amanda - 13/12/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML

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By pinoyson - 11/10/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl that I've liked for some time. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "texting and p.s. I love you". I replied by telling her my feelings for her. Turns out "p.s. I love you" was the name of the movie she was watching with her friends. FML

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By Talis - 12/1/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

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By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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By irulan - 14/1/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Single shot

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By SezzyJ - 2/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By J - 11/2/2016 15:44 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my sister punched me in the face. My dad was actually annoyed with me when I told him. He said I'll never be a "real man" if I can't take a hit from a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

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By poor excuse for a father - 27/10/2018 14:00

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By fries - 24/11/2013 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 07:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

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By Maiar - 13/1/2015 17:42 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#2000439 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:57

Nice friend you have... I hope you're reconsidering your friendship if she's that inconsiderate, darling.

By HSOMGF | 5

#2000453 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

What a bitch. Get a new friend.

COMMENTS

By TypoH | 7

#2000435 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:56

i liek gargling bawls!!

Quasar55_fml | 18

#2000442 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:59

OK great now go kill yourself please. If at least you had posted a useful comment ....

By Mirorbo | 26

#2000439 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:57

Nice friend you have... I hope you're reconsidering your friendship if she's that inconsiderate, darling.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2000536 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:20

And that's your "best friend?" Wow I'm sorry.

babyyappld | 7

#2000763 - Monday 24 January 2011 4:18

op don't you mean ex-bestfriend?? I site hope so.

By natcor8 | 0

#2000444 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:59

How rude!

By mariet_fml | 23

#2000445 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:00

New best friend!

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#2000448 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:00

More food for you OP.

By HSOMGF | 5

#2000453 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

What a bitch. Get a new friend.

By mrahhhhh | 19

#2000455 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

Next time you invite her for dinner, put out a plate of kibbles n' bits to send her a message.

By lolol_BKYCHO | 3

#2000460 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:10

Maybe it's time for a friend that doesn't suck.

By gnrgirl09 | 0

#2000462 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:10

That reminds of one of my friends who used to be my best friend. That would be a big reason why she is no longer my best friend. But seriously that was a bitch move.

MEM0817 | 18

#2001039 - Monday 24 January 2011 7:45

Exactly! People are only out for themselves these days...

By TypoH | 7

#2000474 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:19

I'm an idiot, and should probably shut the hell up for my own sake.

Mirorbo | 26

#2000478 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:21

We don't care, darling.

Rainbow_dumpster | 27

#2000483 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:25

Then don't say "FIRST!", stupid.

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2000502 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:46

I am starting to think people are saying "first" on purpose, just to piss off Sirin and see what she will do.

Doortje | 28

#2000534 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:19

Yeah, I even considered screaming "FIRST" myself, just to see how my dull comment would transform in some great confession about masturbating with popsicles or something.

Zmeilerr | 22

#2000539 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:21

Doortje, I wanna know who the hell possessed you and I want to know NOW.