Miscellaneous: Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments...

By Username - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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Miscellaneous

Triage

Miss me yet?

Unrequited

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

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By Confused - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

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By Cody - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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By thatonekid - United States

It's better than nothing, I suppose

Today, my dad texted me, "I love u." I replied, "I love you too dad... are you drunk?" He answers back, "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

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By absentminded - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

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By Tommy - United States

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

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By badgirl - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

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By ChopSuey - United States - West Monroe

Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML

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Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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By my bravado's gonna kill me one day

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML

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By im_not_me - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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By cjhgvb - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

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By lvegadelgado_6 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

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By goodbyediet - United Kingdom - Accrington

Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML

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By Jograd - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 13:58

Good news

Today, I had a bit of good news with a letter that stated we were owed money by overpaying Council Tax. I phoned them, announcing myself. However, it turns out we actually owe THEM money, due to an error they made giving me and my husband a discount we weren't entitled to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parkersburg

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

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By wdunn69733 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Messy

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

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By Yue - Canada

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

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By suxx - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By Slivered - Canada

Today, my condo board refused to lift the new policy requiring pet owners to carry dogs in common areas because someone's dog is peeing in the hall. I can't physically carry my two dogs, so I'm now forced to wheel them through the building in a borrowed baby stroller. FML

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By luciazee - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By MBoomer

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

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By kya - 29/1/2021 03:31

Low effort

Today, my mother, who works in retail, wears her mask around my dad and my siblings, but deliberately takes it off around me. I always knew she hated me. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Mannheim

Today, my car is still in the shop, so I asked my psycho brother to drive me to the mall. He sped up to nearly 20km over the speed limit, so I shouted for him to stop before he got us both killed. He hit the brakes in the middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML

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By The_Life - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

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By KatVanGogh - United States - Drexel Hill

Today, my mom is convinced that my cat is the reincarnation of Vincent van Gogh. Why? He sleeps under my sunflowers and is a ginger tabby cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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By waytootan - United States

Today, I came in to work looking very tan. I took Friday off to go to a friend's funeral, which was outdoors, and I tan very easily. Now my boss and everyone else thinks I lied about my friend's death to get off work on a Friday. FML

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By ev_lyn_aw

Today, I received a company-wide email from my boss, praising a coworker's extra effort at improving our line of business. The coworker's efforts were a direct copy-and-paste of a plan I put together three months ago. No one cared when I gave the presentation. FML

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By hanzastfu - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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By ladytyy - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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By froyo - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By notpreggers - United Kingdom

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

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By No O-face - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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Top comments

By Mirorbo | 26

#2000439 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:57

Nice friend you have... I hope you're reconsidering your friendship if she's that inconsiderate, darling.

By HSOMGF | 5

#2000453 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

What a bitch. Get a new friend.

COMMENTS

By TypoH | 7

#2000435 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:56

i liek gargling bawls!!

Quasar55_fml | 18

#2000442 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:59

OK great now go kill yourself please. If at least you had posted a useful comment ....

By Mirorbo | 26

#2000439 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:57

Nice friend you have... I hope you're reconsidering your friendship if she's that inconsiderate, darling.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2000536 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:20

And that's your "best friend?" Wow I'm sorry.

babyyappld | 7

#2000763 - Monday 24 January 2011 4:18

op don't you mean ex-bestfriend?? I site hope so.

By natcor8 | 0

#2000444 - Sunday 23 January 2011 23:59

How rude!

By mariet_fml | 23

#2000445 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:00

New best friend!

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#2000448 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:00

More food for you OP.

By HSOMGF | 5

#2000453 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

What a bitch. Get a new friend.

By mrahhhhh | 21

#2000455 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:04

Next time you invite her for dinner, put out a plate of kibbles n' bits to send her a message.

By lolol_BKYCHO | 3

#2000460 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:10

Maybe it's time for a friend that doesn't suck.

By gnrgirl09 | 0

#2000462 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:10

That reminds of one of my friends who used to be my best friend. That would be a big reason why she is no longer my best friend. But seriously that was a bitch move.

MEM0817 | 18

#2001039 - Monday 24 January 2011 7:45

Exactly! People are only out for themselves these days...

By TypoH | 7

#2000474 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:19

I'm an idiot, and should probably shut the hell up for my own sake.

Mirorbo | 26

#2000478 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:21

We don't care, darling.

Rainbow_dumpster | 27

#2000483 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:25

Then don't say "FIRST!", stupid.

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2000502 - Monday 24 January 2011 0:46

I am starting to think people are saying "first" on purpose, just to piss off Sirin and see what she will do.

Doortje | 29

#2000534 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:19

Yeah, I even considered screaming "FIRST" myself, just to see how my dull comment would transform in some great confession about masturbating with popsicles or something.

Zmeilerr | 22

#2000539 - Monday 24 January 2011 1:21

Doortje, I wanna know who the hell possessed you and I want to know NOW.