Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML
Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML
Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML
Today, I crawled into my mom's room to tell her my stomach was in massive pain. She ended up throwing me out of the room while spraying me with Lysol. My appendix was about to burst and I needed surgery. FML
Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML
Today, I have a case of diarrhea. How did I find out? I got startled by my dog jumping up to greet me, and I shat all over the kitchen floor. FML
Today, I was discharged from the hospital after having scrotal surgery. When I got home, the anesthetic had worn off, but I felt okay. Then my dog jumped up at me, paws slamming straight into my nuts. FML
Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML
Today, I tripped over a dog and broke my elbow. I'm stuck dogsitting for the rest of the weekend and he won't stop jumping up at my broken arm. FML
Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
So, even the dog can tell you're not a lady, but a tramp.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Y'all are a bunch of *******, LYING DOWN to recover?? What in the **** is wrong with you?! I mean seriously, lying down? Whenever I'm trying to recover, I do so by running across america 47 times while carrying an elephant in a forrest gump t shirt over my shoulder, and when I finish that in approximately 32.00839721 seconds flat, I bench press your mom 1 and a half times, cuz that's all I'm capble of. when I finish with that, I go deep sea diving in a sea of naked Martian women, isn't quite as nice as it sounds, I mean they have 8 vaginas each, but it's like Russian roullette as to which one will or will not tear off your penis-- not fun, trust me! But it's not too bad when you get used to it, as long as you drink long enough for them to look relatively like humans, which isn't too hard from the front, but you don't want to look from behind or you'll turn to stone. good for me though because I'm not a huge fan of anal, unless the girll is a buttterface, which land o lakes or I can't believe it ain't butter is a decent substitute for a butterface prostitute, if you're interested, I can hook you up with captain hook and his unicorn, now that's a bad ass wingman right there. Your penis will thank me!
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Comments (104)
mandy248 0
omg!!! that sounds painful. sry
FirstBornUnicorn 0
Why were you laying down then if you are still recovering?
chili10 18
gee I don't know.. why would somebody ever be lying down after a painful surgery?
Trollz4daLULZ 2
Because s/he was hoping his/her pet would jump on his/her stomach so s/he could complain about it on the interweb?
FirstBornUnicorn 0
The fml says that OP's dog used him/her as a trampoline to jump on the couch, which I would assume OP is lying down on the floor right by the couch. If I did not make it clear, I was asking why OP would be lying down on the ground if he/she just had surgery.
FFML_314 12
Are you serious, 18? I mean really? You can't actually be asking that question. If you are, I'm upset. You are a disappointment.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Y'all are a bunch of *******, LYING DOWN to recover?? What in the **** is wrong with you?! I mean seriously, lying down? Whenever I'm trying to recover, I do so by running across america 47 times while carrying an elephant in a forrest gump t shirt over my shoulder, and when I finish that in approximately 32.00839721 seconds flat, I bench press your mom 1 and a half times, cuz that's all I'm capble of. when I finish with that, I go deep sea diving in a sea of naked Martian women, isn't quite as nice as it sounds, I mean they have 8 vaginas each, but it's like Russian roullette as to which one will or will not tear off your penis-- not fun, trust me! But it's not too bad when you get used to it, as long as you drink long enough for them to look relatively like humans, which isn't too hard from the front, but you don't want to look from behind or you'll turn to stone. good for me though because I'm not a huge fan of anal, unless the girll is a buttterface, which land o lakes or I can't believe it ain't butter is a decent substitute for a butterface prostitute, if you're interested, I can hook you up with captain hook and his unicorn, now that's a bad ass wingman right there. Your penis will thank me!
darkeye202 0
31 just blasted my mind. Thank you sir.
chili10 18
24, you did not make it clear that that was what you meant. you left out "on the ground".... and I lie on the ground all the time... after I got home from running a marathon I just lied down on the ground and didn't get up for 6 hours...
FirstBornUnicorn 0
I didn't think that I would have to make it clear, but oh well. And I was just saying though because OP is complaining about their surgery, which must have happened within a couple days because getting your appendix taken out is an outpatient surgery. I was just wondering why OP would be laying down on the ground after a couple days after surgery. I'm just going to say that OP deserves it.
courtsx 0
marry me?
Ariaxena 15
uhm where the hell were you lying then? on the floor? cause how else would he be able to use you as a trampoline to get in it himself? :/
ginious 0
yes op was on the floor, op says it his/herself
rzbt21 0
woulda been worse if you were pregnant...but still ouch!
MetalFish 0
It would've been worse if the dog was on fire! we could play the "it would've been worse if..." game all day!
saywhaaat_01 0
ouchhhiieee
zachmeach 0
I know what ur talkin bout I had mine removed last year, oh and FYI people just cause he had it removed doesn't make him 8 cause I'm 15 and has mine removed
MetalFish 0
my brother had his appendix at at 23. Age has nothing to do with it.
oakeidoakei 9
Ouchies... That just made me cringe...
Vintagedasmel 3
reading this made my tummy hurt. :/
yummycupcakegirl 0
boy trampoline!!:)
Sam_13161821 0
Lol you're probably the only one who "usually" wouldn't mind being jumped on by a dog.