Animals and Health: Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with... - FML

By humanchewtoy - 07/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 869

You deserved it 465

Own it

Broken heart

Drama alert

Asshat

By Anonymous - 04/09/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 722

You deserved it 194

By thatsnotmyname - 03/07/2014 03:12 - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 960

You deserved it 7 772

By carmelita - 16/07/2009 15:09 - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 743

You deserved it 59 584

By fark - 20/11/2014 20:45 - Ireland

Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 426

You deserved it 9 472

By theunluckylifeofme - 26/06/2013 20:33 - United States - Gilroy

Spicy

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 657

You deserved it 5 082

By dontevenassk - 12/06/2009 04:44 - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 048

You deserved it 3 765

By poorgary - 18/12/2008 11:46 - France

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 741

You deserved it 2 704

By Username - 07/08/2011 08:08 - Reserved

Spicy

Today, after being kept awake all night by my house-mate and his girlfriend, they woke me at the crack of dawn to apologize for being so loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 230

You deserved it 2 587

By dangerousknitter - 08/10/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 227

You deserved it 3 829

By sanoria51 - 26/04/2013 23:58 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 534

You deserved it 8 751

By anonymous - 22/04/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 734

You deserved it 6 853

By oops - 30/07/2012 00:25 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 118

You deserved it 7 089

By what did I do? - 25/10/2013 11:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 120

You deserved it 21 342

By Anonymous - 04/04/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 20 285

By A girl - 27/06/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 676

You deserved it 4 534

By vishuzzbabe77 - 22/08/2011 06:04 - United States

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 424

You deserved it 41 597

By Anonymous - 28/08/2015 07:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 795

You deserved it 2 853

By BrewPack - 14/07/2014 02:22 - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 007

You deserved it 3 406

By Ellen - 21/11/2009 00:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 241

You deserved it 30 158

How could you forget?

By James - 31/01/2021 11:01

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 225

By cherknobil - 07/07/2019 00:00

Today, I went to my favorite burger joint. Upon taking the first bite of my burger, I dislocated my jaw. The employees had to call 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 174

By [...] - 12/12/2013 14:28 - France - Vaulx-en-velin

Today, while waiting in the queue at a supermarket checkout, my three-year-old daughter yells out, "Mom! Mom! Is that a man or a lady in front?" Embarrassed, I reply, "Honey, can't you see that it's a... it's a... a..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 941

You deserved it 8 227

By AD240Z - 16/12/2016 11:39

Today, while walking my dog in the darkness, I bent down to pick up his poop. I screamed like a little girl as his morning turd leapt up my arm, covering my hand and jacket sleeve in soggy poop. My dog had curled one out onto a dozing frog. I skipped breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 517

You deserved it 623

By -__- - 28/10/2011 11:50 - Australia

Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 115

You deserved it 2 580

By heckaza - 19/01/2016 06:47 - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 569

You deserved it 1 902

By Uriyahu - 20/09/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 072

You deserved it 3 225

By Anonymous - 18/03/2015 15:02 - Australia - Mangerton

Spicy

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 444

You deserved it 3 443

By hazlanz216 - 06/10/2011 22:28 - Canada

Today, I was suspended from work. Some lady went to the manager and told them that I was stalking her, all because I would kindly greet her everyday at the grocery store. I'm the cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 859

You deserved it 2 160

By teriyaki124 - 21/03/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 443

You deserved it 17 830

By Datingdisaster - 17/08/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 594

You deserved it 269

By Darla - 05/10/2012 08:14 - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 684

You deserved it 12 894

By imafunguy - 05/10/2012 00:28 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 830

You deserved it 3 070

By ledentist - 12/09/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 407

You deserved it 2 281

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 05:46 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 921

You deserved it 8 420

By LonelyOtter - 11/12/2018 14:00

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 325

You deserved it 238

By saltynutz20 - 07/04/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 639

You deserved it 8 028

Home to roost

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 00:30

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling several people that my fiancé and I will be moving into her house for the foreseeable future. All because we're moving to a city close by for jobs and are still searching for housing. I found this out from several of the people she told. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 82

By Username - 01/06/2011 08:09 - Singapore

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 156

You deserved it 4 376

By wipeoffincircles - 27/05/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 440

You deserved it 477

By pdub523 - 27/01/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 107

You deserved it 3 795

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Top comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 7 July 2018 20:51

The pain of incisors on your incisions must be incredible.

real life problems 26

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Saturday 7 July 2018 20:52

Chew didn't wake up to it right away? Sorry that's terrible I know.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 7 July 2018 20:51

The pain of incisors on your incisions must be incredible.

real life problems 26

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Saturday 7 July 2018 20:52

Chew didn't wake up to it right away? Sorry that's terrible I know.

thatslifeiguess7 16

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Monday 9 July 2018 12:46

Probably on good pain meds

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 8 July 2018 1:12

Are there many stitches after they take a look at your lap?

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Sunday 8 July 2018 1:29

The dog thought you were a squeak toy.

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Sunday 8 July 2018 1:39

Stitches after a laparoscopic surgery? I'm calling. B.S.

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Sunday 8 July 2018 4:56

A quick Google search would have saved you from sounding like an idiot...

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Sunday 8 July 2018 6:56

I had laparoscopic gallbladder removal back in 2016, and I had stitches. They weren’t bad at all by any means. I’m happy to have the laparoscopic done as opposed to me being gutted like a fish...

pjsr 32

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Sunday 8 July 2018 2:33

You should be very happy you didn’t have a circumcision!

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Sunday 8 July 2018 3:16

Maybe your dog thought that the foreign object needed to be removed from your wound. Our dog likes to remove our bandages because he needs to lick the wound.

supertacowaffle 41

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Sunday 8 July 2018 4:22

Okay. I’ve had a laparoscopy myself, and they put a plaster on your wounds that you are not allowed to remove for 48 hours for one so your stitches shouldn’t have been exposed for the dog to get at, and two, they are tiny dissolvable stitches in/around your bellybutton and then another two or three near the bikini line. So this makes no sense, sorry.

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Sunday 8 July 2018 6:57

Two of my laparoscopic surgeries required the use of old-fashioned stitches. I had both my knees reconstructed 5 years back.

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Sunday 8 July 2018 10:37

Yup, not all are for endometriosis and the like. I had 3 for that and another to get rid of my gallbladder. That had extra incisions. I no longer have a belly button, just a scar. 😂

GrumpyGrinch 23

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Sunday 8 July 2018 11:20

Yeah, right, especially if the surgery is on the knee, you sure get a cut on bikini line. Note: OP doesn't say what kind of laproscopy that was.

ctck 17

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Sunday 8 July 2018 16:06

Most laparoscopic procedures (abdominal area) are closed with a monofilament stitch under the skin that dissolves, and the skin covered with steristrips or dermabond (liquid skin). Some surgeons still use nylon suture to close the skin on arthroscopic (i.e. the knee) because it holds the wound better in areas that will flex.

weeping_willow 25

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Sunday 8 July 2018 5:04

Uh, dude, your dog was trying to eat you.

boopingsnoot 24

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Sunday 8 July 2018 5:57

Never trust a dog around bloodied bandages. They’ll dig thru trashcans for everything from used tampons to veterinary bandages, chew their own sutures and catheters out, and start eating humans alive if their toes smell like gangrene. Get that incision cleaned before you get necrotizing fascitis.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 15

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 144