Kids: Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/04/2016 00:33 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 500

You deserved it 2 093

Broken heart

Vulture

On the rocks

By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/02/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 140

You deserved it 7 951

Right in the cussy

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 439

You deserved it 3 229

By Anonymous - 19/09/2017 13:00

Today, my seemingly innocent younger brother showed our family a video of what he was doing last night when he skipped New Student Orientation. He's been in college all of 48 hours and he's already joined a fight club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 284

By Weathersucks - 17/01/2010 05:13 - France

Today, I was on my way to meet the girl I like at the beach. I parked my truck and walked to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet her. She wasn't there so I called her and she told me she cancelled because it started raining. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 620

You deserved it 3 049

By alejita - 02/03/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 049

You deserved it 9 809

By georgiana072 - 22/09/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 589

You deserved it 47 373

By scarredforlife - 16/08/2012 04:05 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 773

You deserved it 1 866

By totallyscrewedomg - 25/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 328

You deserved it 12 390

By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 714

You deserved it 4 900

Single life

By AnonThoughts - 19/09/2021 17:00

Today, I'm single again, after my now ex attacked my best friend out of jealousy, forcing me to choose between 25 years of friendship and 3 months of a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 107

By ugly - 25/07/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 412

You deserved it 3 747

By OhGodKillMeNow - 26/12/2009 11:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 967

You deserved it 9 232

By azmom - 27/03/2012 17:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 245

You deserved it 26 165

Intervention

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 02:01

Today, my sister got in a screaming argument with my girlfriend, who then dumped me. My whole family started celebrating. Apparently, they staged the argument to get rid of her because no one liked her, and I should be grateful they did me such a big favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 266

You deserved it 184

By my bravado's gonna kill me one day - 10/08/2018 13:00

Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 3 740

By Marcella_03 - 05/12/2009 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 683

You deserved it 15 943

By emergencyroom - 15/03/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 394

You deserved it 9 359

Barf

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 20:00

Today, I spent all day cleaning the carpets in every room. I own two dogs and a cat, so deodorizing and deep cleaning the carpets is an all-day chore. At 9 p.m., after I was done with the last room, I went out to the living room and saw one of my dogs had been sick all over the place. Had to reclean the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 182

By :( - 02/03/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 215

You deserved it 1 973

By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/06/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 431

You deserved it 5 545

By Julie - 25/12/2012 03:20 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 112

You deserved it 2 768

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 606

You deserved it 38 190

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 02:28 - United States - Mclean

Today, a girl I follow on Twitter tweeted, "Why can't I have a cute math tutor?" I'm her math tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 532

You deserved it 4 101

By nocostumeforme - 29/10/2011 16:01 - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 929

You deserved it 6 956

By Anonymous - 16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 380

You deserved it 799

By pinkplasticjesus - 20/06/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 271

You deserved it 55 939

Pain in the ass

By Kaganate - 09/02/2010 00:32 - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister's boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 556

You deserved it 25 586

By Anonymous - 02/03/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I was out skating with a guy I really like. I put on my best moves, to impress him. I ended up slicing his lip open with my skate mid-jump. His lip is now wired shut by twelve stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 867

You deserved it 36 315

Great parenting

By VeryLoved - 28/04/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, after a year of staying at home, I finally went out. I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, so my mum decided to scream at me and slap me so I'd become "normal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 201

By whywilson.. - 02/03/2010 01:17 - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 401

You deserved it 25 766

By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell - 27/12/2018 02:00

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 541

You deserved it 694

Hangry

By Jago - 12/08/2021 03:01

Today, I'm running so fucking low on money, I have to go to the supermarket to eat free bites of ham, cheese and whatever they have on their aisles for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 95

By Ouch - 28/02/2015 02:25 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 691

You deserved it 2 416

By nobffs - 01/01/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 412

You deserved it 2 948

Classic

By Stooped - 25/03/2021 09:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I paid my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years a surprise visit. I entered his house and he got irrationally angry, asking why didn’t I tell him beforehand. Moments later, a female voice yelled, "Babe come back to bed!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 189

You've tried this before, right?

By xxxzzzooo - 02/01/2010 17:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 417

You deserved it 3 772

TMI

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 23:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 738

You deserved it 3 008

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 2 331

By Max - 04/03/2017 22:00

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 251

You deserved it 5 360

New one

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 328

You deserved it 427

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Top comments

tzemmy 25

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:22

Sometimes it's just great how many adult jokes are in kid movies.

Strawburryemma01 14

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:21

does she know what it means?

Comments

Strawburryemma01 14

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:21

does she know what it means?

arano 29

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:47

Obviously not if she picked it for her new word.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 21:14

It's just a different way to say "thing", right? :D

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Sunday 24 April 2016 5:59

It just means "narrow strip of leather." It doesn't have to mean underwear.

Nessco 36

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Sunday 24 April 2016 6:08

In Australia, thongs are something you wear on your feet - not underwear. I believe you may call them flip flops.

tzemmy 25

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:22

Sometimes it's just great how many adult jokes are in kid movies.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:28

Well a thong is a strip of leather technically speaking, and it's the first definition given in the dictionary. So I don't really see a wrong in her using it.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:44

The Australian definition of thong is what americans call "flip flops" too.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 21:13

Like zootopia

dragoongirl90 34

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Saturday 23 April 2016 21:39

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 22:21

#13, used to be in Canada, too. I still call them thongs just to annoy people.

HylianWarrior 21

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Saturday 23 April 2016 23:20

24, I don't know about you, but for me, my words are chosen to properly convey my thoughts, not in an attempt to confuse and annoy others, and lead to them misinterpting what I am saying

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Saturday 23 April 2016 23:59

So you're saying I should change my vocabulary because underwear manufacturers decided to call uncomfortable panties a word that was universally known for decades as footwear? I grew up calling 'flip flops', 'thongs', as that's what my generation learned. I find it hilarious that younger generations get annoyed at my 'historical' term. Should I also change calling the pound symbol on the phone, to calling it a hashtag so younger folk will know what I'm referring to?

mattyiscool123 26

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Sunday 24 April 2016 5:25

Also rugrats

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:23

Does she need to bring in pictures of the words too?

ViviMage 38

Saturday 23 April 2016 20:23

Tell her a thong is Australian for sandals.

ladymunchkin742 11

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:57

It's also the older crowds version of flip flops ;-) trust me my mother exclaimed that to a frenemy of my sisters when they were out shopping once buying sandals. My sister was mortified.

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Wednesday 29 June 2016 19:46

You're smart

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Thursday 15 June 2017 0:08

Sandals and thongs are different. Thongs are "flip flops".

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:24

maybe it means flip flops, like sandals?

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Sunday 24 April 2016 13:43

Thongs are not sandles, they are totally different shoes. Trust me, I'm Australian.

Ichiya 29

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:25

Just have her use this definition: a narrow strip of leather or other material, used especially as a fastening or as the lash of a whip.

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:27

Gotta start them off early, eh? Ok I'll leave...

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:54

Ew, don't force sexuality on kids.

militarybrat 21

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Sunday 24 April 2016 5:26

Uh... Does someone need to call the cops? Search your computer?

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Sunday 24 April 2016 23:19

#15 & #44 It was a joke not a dick, don't take it so hard

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Monday 25 April 2016 13:37

Heh, das funny.

hunt381 21

Saturday 23 April 2016 20:29

Thong: a narrow strip of leather or other material, used especially as a fastening or as the lash of a whip.

denden_mushi 10

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:32

Did you ask her to use it in a sentence?

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Saturday 23 April 2016 20:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 24 April 2016 0:20

kids tend to do the opposite of what they're told not to...

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Sunday 24 April 2016 4:35

Technically it's not an adult word. A thong is a thin leather strap, commonly thought to just be a type of underwear, but that's not the dictionary definition.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 146