Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me by testing myself for STIs/STDs and got a positive result for chlamydia. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML
Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML
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Top comments
zaksyak 1
You Can't?
xoxosuperbad 5
You hit the jackpot there
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Comments (212)
i_canlickmyelbow 3
Makes sense...
theten_fml 9
Excuses to **********..
36591951 9
He's a keeper
lonkite101 14
18- he doesn't want her pregnant, he wants it to read positive.
eggmarie 25
Haha It was a joke, 50
littlecuntcats 6
How can it make sense? A pregnancy test looks for high levels of progesterone or estrogen, not sperm.
Bree12345 15
No shit.
kayeyem 9
89-- No. Pregnancy tests test for hcg.
i_canlickmyelbow 3
89- 'twas sarcasm.
ahti546 11
No it actually looks for the hormone HCG which is released when you're pregnant. Not progesterone or estrogen.
ReptarRAWR23 0
111- Knows what's up!
G3K0 7
Does make sense..
blade4080 7
Is it bad that I want to try this now?? Hrmm..
br0ccoli 14
My soul just cried. People like this exist?
ihatethesenamez 6
I've always wondered that
shjenn 7
I'm pretty sure I'd punch him if he was my boyfriend... thats just stupid
tippy_pink89 2
Actually, a pregnancy test detects HCG, otherwise most females would test positive at different times in their cycle.
momogal 22
Actually a pregnancy test checks for Human Chorionic Gonadotropine (the pregnancy hormone HCG) levels as low as 20 mIU/mL. If it tested for Estrogen and Progesterone, then it would read positive for nearly all females regardless of child bearing ability.
XxpoopdoggyxX 0
Your pretty
xoxosuperbad 5
You hit the jackpot there
rdrr 2
Flick him in the balls.
Saryrr 3
Good reference.
YoungMisfit 9
Guys don't know this shit. ****. Bitches be crazy.
elidine 0
What a prostie....
sillystyle420 5
So typical of a prostie*
zaksyak 1
You Can't?
ant1078 7
Pretty sure a lot of people don't know how it works...anyone care to explain?? And I'm not talking abt just peeing on it.
putloginhere 6
Son. I think it is time we explain something to you. When a mommy and daddy love eachother very much they... Um.. I have no clue that's what I thought too...
user324234324 1
They work by picking up hormones released during pregnancy. It wouldn't work by detecting **** since you don't even **** into the urethra (pee hole).
rotflqtms_ 21
#s 25 & 51, A pregnancy test actually detects the hormone called human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), which is secreted by the embryo do that it can keep a pregnancy going. (Corpius Leuteum can keep secreting hormones and keep a woman from menstruating and shedding her uterine wall... In a MALE, the urethra (pee hole) combines with the ductus deferens (vas deferens) right after the ejaculatory duct, so semen does actually pass through the urethra (prostatic urethra, membranous urethra and the spongy urethra) Pre ejaculatory fluids flush urine out of the urethra before a male actually ejaculates so that there isn't urine in there when semen passes through it (as urine is too acidic and would kill the semen which needs alkaline (basic) pH to survive... He was wrong to think that all you needed was semen (which includes sperm) even if you just had an unfertilized ovum, and sperm, you couldn't get the test to test positive. The fertilized egg needs to secrete the hormone hCG for the test to pick up traces of this and read positive...
rotflqtms_ 21
Um, I meant to say tha acidity of urine would kill the sperm... Semen is the fluid (sperm, nutrients etc) containing sperm. Sperm is the actual cell... It's hard to think properly while typing on an iPod... And I put do instead of so somewhere in there, and of course I missed a ")" I took too long to edit, and I know grammar nazis will hound me for doing that... iPods are not the easiest thing to type scientific things on... As they keep wanting to autocorrect simple words like unfertilized and turn them into underutilized... WTH???
asoptavlo14 6
Wow I honestly learn too many things from FML comments.
Roflsauruz 12
75, I think 51 meant that the male doesn't **** into the FEMALE's urethra, so when she PEES on the test strip there's no **** in there... Nothing to do with the guy peeing. (And, I think we all know that I guy pees and shoots semen out of the same hole... :/ what other goddamn hole would it come out of? His ass?!? Jeeze....)
Roflsauruz 12
A guy*** not "I guy"... Sorry.
rotflqtms_ 21
Oh, WOW!!! Thanks 112, I completely misunderstood/misread his comment. Into, not out of... But hey, you learn something new every day anyway...for all we know, there could be someone on this site who didn't know which hole... (though if they did, I would wonder if they were even old enough to be on this site...and if in the desktop version, in the intimacy section...) Okay, so half of my comment was irrelevant...
cheetahbaby96 8
75- Your comment is too long for me to thumbs it up! I have to scroll up to hit the thumbs and it disappears when I touch the screen. Ohhh the frustration!
Spiral_Thoughts 19
75: Live long and prosper.
sunnyskies 3
136-Swipe right to get the thumbs up, I had the same problem!
gracevet88 0
Pregnancy is sensed through hormones given off by the woman after the egg is fertilized
The_9th_Doctor 18
really?
2thetony 4
I need to try this later because op didn't say whether it worked or not :(
BatteryAddict 11
-.-
hecallsmedarlin 7
...trying to get your soon to be ex-boyfriend to stay with you?
suncifir 6
4- Obviously no, and if you didn't know to begin with, it's implied that it's a no.
LO388 7
lol at 13's photo and comment together...
om102907 4
You REALLY have a keeper. Just wait until you have kids, they will put the 'SPECIAL' in special needs. My advice: "stop the cycle!!!"
eggmarie 25
From this post, I can tell that you're a keeper, too
TeddyB88 4
Seems like your one to talk huh. From the 47 year old guy that has a picture of a penis as his profile pic. I guess you can't outgrow being a hater smh.
loveabbierose 7
you sir, are bloody rude. I'm special needs and neither of my parents were moronic. think about your comments before making them, you ignorant fool.
zoecw 14
How the hell would that even work??..
22cute 17
It wouldn't! That's the point. Op's BF is a dumb-dumb, that's the other point.
diaspora_fml 26
Um, just insert it quickly!
hilda_kitty 16
6 - your picture fits the FML. :D
jakk_mehoff 4
Aww you can have lil + and - running around
The_Thinker 18
Thank goodness your boyfriend is not in possession of a uterus. Or else, this world would be one step closer to inevitable doom.
om102907 4
Agreed!
laden_swallow09 34
There's a thumb for that
marxistbkly 3
No, there would just be more people.
Acidiic 7
I sure hope he does not reproduce.
MathewBlack 14
Natural selection could sort this out..
downtime 12
Not in the modern world it couldn't. Natural selection has been replaced with government support and extensive medical care.
Acidiic 7
I'm sure we're safe from his future children. He seems to busy trying to get pregnancy tests pregnant instead of women :P
nictransitglory 4
22 hit the nail right on the head. Anyone seen the movie idiocracy? That is where we are heading. Welfare cases and dumb asses are having kids like a fulltime job (especially since current gvmt will pay out like a fulltime job) while smart/successful people are waiting longer to have kids and may end up not being able to have any. Sad but VERY true.
SqueakyChipmunk 21
16) or a gun. Guns work too.
downtime 12
68, Idiocracy is a work of fiction. It assumes intelligence is completely genetic and that humans are incapable of free thought away from anything they've been programmed with by their parents. Also, only the western world would risk following this trend, many other countries are still very much about education and life success rather than laziness and welfare children. Anyone who references idiocracy like it's a prophecy needs to consider which side of the fence they're really on.
wyz135 7
oh god what did I just read...
igive 29
Long story short, a guy jizzed on a pregnancy stick.