Miscellaneous: Today, my dad was making drinks for my mom and himself, so I...

By megean c.l. - 20/01/2013 21:36 - United States

Today, my dad was making drinks for my mom and himself, so I asked him to make me some coffee too. When he brought me my drink, I took a sip, and realized he'd poured salt in it. As I gagged, he muttered, "Next time, make it yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 761

You deserved it 7 997

Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Good kid

Time to bail

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 288

You deserved it 65 270

By lotrgeek - 13/02/2012 13:37 - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 090

You deserved it 6 993

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 004

You deserved it 2 911

It's called a calendar

By Anonymous - 19/05/2021 17:31 - India - Mumbai

Today, it was my first day at my first job, I got up early, got ready, waited an hour for HR to call. I called them instead and they didn't answer, so I wrote an email to the partners. It turns out I got the first day date wrong. Some first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 371

By Anonymous - 23/01/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 496

You deserved it 3 367

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 721

You deserved it 3 057

Thanks

By badeats - 22/06/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 539

You deserved it 9 280

By nolife - 29/12/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 093

You deserved it 41 578

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 20:05

Today, my social life consists of eavesdropping on my two coworkers chatting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 418

Alexa, play "Confusion" by New Order

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 02:00

Today, I found out my husband has been telling everyone he doesn't want a baby. He has been telling me he does. We have been trying for months. I'm now pregnant and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 131

By Ditzyfitzy - 09/01/2019 14:00

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 580

You deserved it 360

By Anonymous - 17/03/2016 15:34 - United States - Pomona

Today, in court, my client ran his mouth at the judge, cursing him out and then trying to lecture him on "freedom of speech" when he was found in contempt. I don't know what it is with these nutjobs, but I wish I'd never become a public defender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 147

You deserved it 2 559

By smileytheface - 06/12/2011 03:54 - United States

Today, my car got stolen. While I was standing ten feet away from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 691

You deserved it 7 161

Grow up

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 07:02

Today, my son rejected a job offer because it interferes with the streaming schedule of some Twitch dirtbag. He's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 173

By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 909

You deserved it 2 273

By anonymous - 22/02/2010 18:11 - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 548

You deserved it 3 028

Timing

By Anonymous - 12/09/2015 06:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 468

You deserved it 3 449

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 958

You deserved it 3 496

By sad face - 07/03/2012 19:25 - Canada

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 31 982

By Anonymous - 09/05/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 801

You deserved it 6 296

By Hard in flip flops - 21/01/2018 06:00

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 792

You deserved it 4 611

By m0m - 04/03/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 987

You deserved it 1 655

By tatatest - 06/04/2012 03:02 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was taking a really big test in a class that I was failing. It was worth at least 7 grades so I studied my butt off. During the test, a girl with huge breasts sat down next to me and I couldn't stop staring. My test got confiscated because they thought I was cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 459

You deserved it 58 853

By JB - 07/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 991

You deserved it 28 666

By UnluckyGroom - 09/06/2012 23:04 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 121

You deserved it 59 522

By Matthew - 16/06/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 077

You deserved it 304

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 06:00 - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 089

You deserved it 477

By ashleyevans - 04/04/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 973

You deserved it 191 669

By cogu - 03/02/2010 19:34 - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 6 523

Droning on

By macone - 24/04/2021 21:30

Today, a colleague crashed a drone into my almost brand new car. I even asked him before if it was OK to park there or if I should better park somewhere else, and he said, "No problem" and bragged about being the best drone pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 112

By skunked - 18/06/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 325

You deserved it 7 054

By ViviMage - 11/06/2019 02:00

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 707

You deserved it 117

By how about never? - 19/10/2014 11:22 - United States - San Fernando

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 798

You deserved it 5 139

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

By How can you f*** up that bad!? - 17/02/2017 15:51 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 566

You deserved it 467

By Whyis Dremora - 30/09/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 761

You deserved it 275

By ForeSight - 14/08/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 544

Indifference

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 4 914

By wtf mom - 31/05/2013 04:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 641

You deserved it 3 520

By MrandMrsRendon20 - 11/11/2010 00:26 - United States

Today, I complained to my boss about how my printer wasn't printing colored ink even though I had just installed a new cartridge yesterday. Upon investigation, she noted that I forgot to take off the protection sticker from the cartridge. Good job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 248

You deserved it 29 788

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 972

You deserved it 6 995

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Top comments

patrickalamo 47

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Monday 21 January 2013 1:58

Remind him you will be picking out his nursing home.

Isoldael 27

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

My parents use the other approach: "Would you like some coffee?" "Sure!" "Good, then make me some too!"

patrickalamo 47

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Monday 21 January 2013 1:58

Remind him you will be picking out his nursing home.

RaggleFrock 13

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:28

It's not as straightforward process picking a nursing home as you would think. Go with the first one that says yes... They are normally the most desperate for money.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 21 January 2013 3:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

APersonalProblem 13

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Monday 21 January 2013 4:55

LMFAO I already have one picked out for mine.

tomhofer 14

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

I like pizza

DontClickOnMe 28

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

He could've just told you no.. oh, but wait. Where's the fun in that?

Isoldael 27

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

My parents use the other approach: "Would you like some coffee?" "Sure!" "Good, then make me some too!"

skoob1 12

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Monday 21 January 2013 5:11

Mine prefer, "Lu-gi-seph-skoob, go insert command here, and while you're at it, grab me a(n) insert alcoholic beverage here" anyone with a sibling gets the whole name splicing thing. Btw if you put things between carrots like HTML commands, they disappear.

BlitheNightmare 7

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Monday 21 January 2013 9:28

I figured it out, he is saying that the parent would start saying one name, then another, before finally getting the right person. Then ask them to do something and ask them to get an alcoholic beverage while they are at it. For example, "Luc... Gor... JAKE, would you feed the dog and grab me a beer while you're at it?" Hope that clears it up.

trivel64 16

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Monday 21 January 2013 21:33

Wait, so then what was that crap about the carrots...?

xoky720 6

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Monday 21 January 2013 22:48

That's what Im wondering!

BlitheNightmare 7

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 10:30

73- I have no clue, maybe he had a stroke and forgot what he was talking about.

BlitheNightmare 7

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Tuesday 22 January 2013 10:36

70- That is what I am here for... sort of... not really...

BadKitty13 28

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:05

asshole

MrSassypants 32

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:24

You were pretty off when trying to type in the google search bar.

LolFMLnot 10

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

These days there are too many troll parents

TellMeWhatsDeath 14

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Monday 21 January 2013 4:36

You say that like it's a bad thing..

MidnaLink 33

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Monday 21 January 2013 4:38

38 try saying that near an injury based story!

sens3sfailing 24

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Monday 21 January 2013 5:37

well when the consequences are a mouthful of salty coffee, I don't think the parents trolling is out of hand. whe. it draws blood, then it goes past being a troll and enters a dofferent catagory.

Kal3Y 12

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

Next time he asks you to do something, troll him right back! ;D

kumonsucks 7

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:08

Take all the sugar and replace with salt. Lets play

teresee 8

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

next time he asks you to get him a beer, shake it and say "next time, get it yourself" when he opens it as it explodes all over him.

ElatedEarthling 15

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

I sense a prank war coming on. Beware of dye in the shampoo and dog poop under pillowcases. It's ON!

Coop817 19

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

If she wants to end it, nair in the shampoo should do the trick Just be sure to have a secret stash of shampoo that he can't contaminate

PunkySpunky78 15

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Monday 21 January 2013 2:32

More like nair in the conditioner since it will sit on the hair for few minutes and don't you think the smell of nair will be giveaway? Nair has strong smell