Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Does it taste good?

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Selfish Whiner - 3/6/2013 11:56 - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, I started seeing a therapist for my depression. While I was looking through the magazines in the waiting room, I found an article accusing people who see therapists of being selfish and having no real problems. FML

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By Waiter - 4/7/2010 10:03 - France

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 years got engaged to a woman I can't stand. I work as a waiter at a catering company, they hired the company and requested me as a server for their engagement party. FML

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By Embarresedguy - 3/7/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided to get the morning paper, I went outside with my bath robe on and when I leaned down to get my paper my bath robe came undone. Apparently everyone on my street saw it and decided to bring up public nudity at the next neighborhood meeting. FML

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By junkie - 18/12/2012 18:28 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By -___- - 14/9/2012 23:06 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my five-year-old daughter asked me why moms don't swallow clothes, so that their babies won't be born naked. My husband burst into derisive laughter, and has now trained her into responding to the name "Derp-Derp." FML

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By fartje - 25/1/2015 18:21 - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

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By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - 28/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

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By sandwichmaker - 17/7/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

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By KathleenSchuler - 5/3/2013 03:38 - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By freezingtodeath - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I ran into Target's dressing rooms to try pants on, leaving my full cart outside. An employee thought it had been left there, and took it to put the stuff back. My coat, hat, gloves were in it. I had to walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 11:49 - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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By How - 18/4/2018 01:30

Today, I received a letter from my apartment complex saying I have an unauthorized tenant living with me. I must provide proof they don't live with me in the next 72 hours or I get kicked out. Nobody lives with me, and I don't know how to prove it. FML

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By nsb124 - 28/1/2015 08:07 - United States

Today, it was my brother's birthday. I was short on money but got him a present anyway. After opening it, he looked at it and said, "I didn't really want this." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By amf - 3/6/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, I got fired via text. The last sentence was, "Wish you the best, take care!" FML

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By PentiumBawls8 - 20/1/2010 22:38 - United States

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

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By the next james herriot - 10/9/2013 23:30 - United States - Laurel

Today, I found out my extremely anti-war relatives hate me because they think I served in the Army, after hearing I was "a vet". I'm a veterinarian. FML

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By wnrz - 18/2/2012 20:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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By mottephobe - 6/4/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML

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By moutz - 20/7/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

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By Nico711 - 30/3/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were out to dinner. She had to use the bathroom, so she went, but the food came while she was in there. She came out, yelling at me for ordering the food to come that exact time, then she broke up with me. FML

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By Adoptee - 22/5/2011 23:09 - United Kingdom

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

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By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Just ignore it!

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

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By Sbfreak510 - 16/10/2009 16:30 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work and I put on yesterday's jeans. While at my meeting an employee asked me if 'that' was mine and pointed to something on the floor next to me. Which was yesterday's underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2018 07:00 - United States - Fort Collins

Estoy Poopin

Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML

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By ouchieouch - 7/1/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By Robyn - 4/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By surfer - 21/7/2014 17:14 - United States - New York

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

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By nomoresbfun - 22/2/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By happyturtle - 1/9/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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By single again - 6/9/2013 00:29 - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML

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By can't sleep - 18/3/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By NocturnalFox - 25/8/2015 19:46 - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

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By wellthatsucks - 5/7/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months was showing me his new phone. He accidentally opened his gallery, which contains 3 photos: one of his motorcycle, one of his new game console, and a naked photo of his ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 19:02 - Germany

Today, I was at the McDonalds drive-thru getting my morning coffee, when some guy slammed into the back of my car. I'm so happy I was holding the cup between my legs at that very moment, because now I have 2nd degree burns on my lady parts. FML

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By GarageSallin - 7/2/2013 15:24

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

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Top comments

By Isoldael | 25

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

Comments

By Isoldael | 25

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

Reply

theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

Reply

Isoldael | 25

#5332613 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

When the smell gets bad enough to taste it, I guess the only logical solution is a tracheotomy.

Reply

eric40962005 | 8

#5332922 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:48

I guess people don't know what a tracheotomy is lol

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5332928 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:53

Breathing through a tube connected to your throat? Yeah, I'd rather put up with the smell.

Reply

Isoldael | 25

#5333149 - Monday 21 January 2013 11:23

It's called sarcasm... Oh well :(

Reply

fymother | 13

#5333403 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:21

Use an antiperspirant/deodorant combination so you can't sweat off the deodorant

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332562 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Well that stinks.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#5332631 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Wait... It doesn't stink?

Reply

Satirical | 7

#5332649 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:30

I smell a pun.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5332760 - Monday 21 January 2013 3:57

^BravO...hmm I'm not so happy with my pun..but I'll submit it anyway.

By Coop817 | 19

#5332564 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

#MascotProbs

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332565 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Sorry OP:(

Reply

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5332615 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

No you're not.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5332634 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Actually, #4 is sorry; 4 was the one selling the deodorant to OP. For shame, 4, for shame.

By nightowl713 | 25

#5332566 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Well that stinks OP! Joking aside, Buy some febreze, and some stronger deodorant?

Reply

Examine | 7

#5332633 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

It still probably would not work, since it reached 48 degrees Celsius.

Reply

waterkins | 7

#5332771 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:06

Put car refreshers in it. That or shave your armpits, less hair means less b.o.

Reply

hopelessteej | 8

#5333087 - Monday 21 January 2013 10:06

5, australia is an oven atm

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332573 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Get some clinical strength deodorant!

By zandalee | 19

#5332574 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Take a toilet break and ask a coworker if you can use some of their deodorant.

Reply

happle | 21

#5332986 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:52

I personally wouldn't share my deodorant with someone that smells like a portapotty.

By LolFMLnot | 10

#5332584 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Use more than 1 kind of deodorant. Maybe it will help

By Amama_fml | 30

#5332587 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

You could try using one of those little fans used for inflatable costumes and wear it inside you costume. And also, buy better deodorant.

By kumonsucks | 7

#5332590 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

Well that sti--- forget it. Irish spring. Fuck axe

Reply

peachesncreem | 21

#5332606 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

I love Irish Spring. Unfortunately, we don't have it in Australia.

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332673 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:42

Send me your address and I'll hook you up, mate.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332822 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:59

Hmm... When I was a child, people were lured in with candy. Now, apparently all you need is deodorant...

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332828 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:04

My name is OhDearBetrayal, and I'm addicted to murdering Australians.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5332979 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:22

61- May I ask why?
*hides*

Reply

kumonsucks | 7

#5334000 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 0:24

15 your cute af. Sexy austrailian women