Work: Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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Triage

Who's a good boy?

Intense

By no love - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By Zora - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By this is impossible - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

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By Andrew7847 - United States - Fort Worth

Bad hair day

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as the abominable snowman. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was upset, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. After a minute, her face started to light up. I thought it had worked until I realized that she was being cheered up by the friends she was talking to online. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By Maddii1112 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

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By sammy77sam - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

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By middleagednurse - United States - Miami

Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

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By guessnot - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By PerfectVision - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By notsexy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

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By Will this stupid fad ever end? - United States

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 11:01

Intrusive thoughts

Today, in a seminar held by my country's government and the UN, I suddenly realized how stupid the reason for my recent breakup was. So, I ran out of the hall under the stares of over a hundred people and started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By cazorp - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

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By Triple F - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

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By oops - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

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By concusion - United States

Today, I found out the "small termite problem" the inspector told me about wasn't so small when a box from the attic fell through the floor and hit me in the head. FML

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By Anonymousss95 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

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By naughtymommy0317 - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

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By oh great - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my brother let me fly his two day old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

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By Samantha - Singapore

Today, I turned 22. Instead of cutting my own cake, I stood by and smiled at a friend's belated birthday party. She celebrated her birthday two months ago. She decided to have her party on my birthday. No one remembered mine but everyone got her beautiful gifts. FML

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By "catty_13"

Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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Top comments

By Isoldael | 27

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

COMMENTS

By Isoldael | 27

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

Reply

theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#5332613 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

When the smell gets bad enough to taste it, I guess the only logical solution is a tracheotomy.

Reply

eric40962005 | 8

#5332922 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:48

I guess people don't know what a tracheotomy is lol

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5332928 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:53

Breathing through a tube connected to your throat? Yeah, I'd rather put up with the smell.

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#5333149 - Monday 21 January 2013 11:23

It's called sarcasm... Oh well :(

Reply

fymother | 13

#5333403 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:21

Use an antiperspirant/deodorant combination so you can't sweat off the deodorant

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332562 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Well that stinks.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#5332631 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Wait... It doesn't stink?

Reply

Satirical | 7

#5332649 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:30

I smell a pun.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5332760 - Monday 21 January 2013 3:57

^BravO...hmm I'm not so happy with my pun..but I'll submit it anyway.

By Coop817 | 19

#5332564 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

#MascotProbs

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332565 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Sorry OP:(

Reply

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5332615 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

No you're not.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5332634 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Actually, #4 is sorry; 4 was the one selling the deodorant to OP. For shame, 4, for shame.

By nightowl713 | 25

#5332566 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Well that stinks OP! Joking aside, Buy some febreze, and some stronger deodorant?

Reply

Examine | 7

#5332633 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

It still probably would not work, since it reached 48 degrees Celsius.

Reply

waterkins | 7

#5332771 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:06

Put car refreshers in it. That or shave your armpits, less hair means less b.o.

Reply

hopelessteej | 8

#5333087 - Monday 21 January 2013 10:06

5, australia is an oven atm

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332573 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Get some clinical strength deodorant!

By zandalee | 19

#5332574 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Take a toilet break and ask a coworker if you can use some of their deodorant.

Reply

happle | 21

#5332986 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:52

I personally wouldn't share my deodorant with someone that smells like a portapotty.

By LolFMLnot | 10

#5332584 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Use more than 1 kind of deodorant. Maybe it will help

By Amama_fml | 30

#5332587 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

You could try using one of those little fans used for inflatable costumes and wear it inside you costume. And also, buy better deodorant.

By kumonsucks | 7

#5332590 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

Well that sti--- forget it. Irish spring. Fuck axe

Reply

peachesncreem | 21

#5332606 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

I love Irish Spring. Unfortunately, we don't have it in Australia.

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332673 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:42

Send me your address and I'll hook you up, mate.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332822 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:59

Hmm... When I was a child, people were lured in with candy. Now, apparently all you need is deodorant...

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332828 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:04

My name is OhDearBetrayal, and I'm addicted to murdering Australians.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5332979 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:22

61- May I ask why?
*hides*

Reply

kumonsucks | 7

#5334000 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 0:24

15 your cute af. Sexy austrailian women