Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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Dangling modifier

Season finale

Creepy

By Natalie - 2/3/2010 22:05 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

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By Ashley - 7/9/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - 13/2/2017 11:00 - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I finally lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she called me by my ex-bestfriend's name. FML

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By cane - 5/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By EB - 6/11/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

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By maddy - 28/2/2010 17:10 - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By Crucible101 - 24/8/2020 08:07

ASMR

Today, I listened to a recording of a woman saying, "I love you" for about 30 mins straight. That's apparently the only way I can feel loved. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2015 07:06 - United States

Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 05:08

Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a make-shift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML

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By nakcba - 15/2/2011 10:21

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

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By Charlayyyy - 16/12/2010 02:30

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

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By disheshateme - 18/11/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2014 18:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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By laywer_man - 7/3/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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By please stop singing!!!! - 21/3/2014 23:59 - United States - Windermere

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By cc - 24/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By ELLI - 2/10/2017 04:30

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By SweetStuff88 - 15/11/2012 13:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend admitted to me that she has been sleeping with someone on her girls basketball team, which at first turned me on. Then I found out he's the team manager. FML

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By oh, shit...... - 2/2/2016 20:27 - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By pchis4ever - 20/11/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 10:57 - Singapore

Today, my co-worker insisted there must be an underlying, romantic reason for why I spend so much time teaching him everything, and that I didn't mean it when I told him that's what I'm paid to do. I'm actually supposed to train this guy for three weeks. Two more weeks to go. FML

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By outagrand - 1/8/2009 14:08 - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By MissedTheBoat - 14/4/2013 07:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

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By viviham - 4/5/2012 12:08 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By Charli - 13/8/2018 22:37

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By djkimmaz - 3/12/2011 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

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By maxthndr - 10/2/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By CreeptacularBait - 27/5/2018 19:00

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

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By iamshrimpy - 8/1/2010 06:24 - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 03:50 - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

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Top comments

By Isoldael | 27

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

COMMENTS

By Isoldael | 27

#5332561 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Don't breathe through your nose and you won't be able to smell it at least. As for the others, I hope the costume allows you to remain anonymous...

Reply

theycallmekitty | 13

#5332604 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:10

If he breaths through his mouth he might just start tasting it instead. I know from experience...

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#5332613 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

When the smell gets bad enough to taste it, I guess the only logical solution is a tracheotomy.

Reply

eric40962005 | 8

#5332922 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:48

I guess people don't know what a tracheotomy is lol

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5332928 - Monday 21 January 2013 6:53

Breathing through a tube connected to your throat? Yeah, I'd rather put up with the smell.

Reply

Isoldael | 27

#5333149 - Monday 21 January 2013 11:23

It's called sarcasm... Oh well :(

Reply

fymother | 13

#5333403 - Monday 21 January 2013 16:21

Use an antiperspirant/deodorant combination so you can't sweat off the deodorant

By ScaryyMary | 14

#5332562 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:00

Well that stinks.

Reply

RaggleFrock | 13

#5332631 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Wait... It doesn't stink?

Reply

Satirical | 7

#5332649 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:30

I smell a pun.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5332760 - Monday 21 January 2013 3:57

^BravO...hmm I'm not so happy with my pun..but I'll submit it anyway.

By Coop817 | 19

#5332564 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

#MascotProbs

By Kal3Y | 12

#5332565 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Sorry OP:(

Reply

TellMeWhatsDeath | 14

#5332615 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:16

No you're not.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5332634 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

Actually, #4 is sorry; 4 was the one selling the deodorant to OP. For shame, 4, for shame.

By nightowl713 | 25

#5332566 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:01

Well that stinks OP! Joking aside, Buy some febreze, and some stronger deodorant?

Reply

Examine | 7

#5332633 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:25

It still probably would not work, since it reached 48 degrees Celsius.

Reply

waterkins | 7

#5332771 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:06

Put car refreshers in it. That or shave your armpits, less hair means less b.o.

Reply

hopelessteej | 8

#5333087 - Monday 21 January 2013 10:06

5, australia is an oven atm

By theycallmekitty | 13

#5332573 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Get some clinical strength deodorant!

By zandalee | 19

#5332574 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:03

Take a toilet break and ask a coworker if you can use some of their deodorant.

Reply

happle | 21

#5332986 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:52

I personally wouldn't share my deodorant with someone that smells like a portapotty.

By LolFMLnot | 10

#5332584 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:04

Use more than 1 kind of deodorant. Maybe it will help

By Amama_fml | 30

#5332587 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

You could try using one of those little fans used for inflatable costumes and wear it inside you costume. And also, buy better deodorant.

By kumonsucks | 7

#5332590 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:06

Well that sti--- forget it. Irish spring. Fuck axe

Reply

peachesncreem | 21

#5332606 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:11

I love Irish Spring. Unfortunately, we don't have it in Australia.

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332673 - Monday 21 January 2013 2:42

Send me your address and I'll hook you up, mate.

Reply

skoob1 | 12

#5332822 - Monday 21 January 2013 4:59

Hmm... When I was a child, people were lured in with candy. Now, apparently all you need is deodorant...

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#5332828 - Monday 21 January 2013 5:04

My name is OhDearBetrayal, and I'm addicted to murdering Australians.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5332979 - Monday 21 January 2013 8:22

61- May I ask why?
*hides*

Reply

kumonsucks | 7

#5334000 - Tuesday 22 January 2013 0:24

15 your cute af. Sexy austrailian women