By Anonymous

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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Instadrama

Season finale

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By insulted - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By nothowitworks - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

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By FractalSanity - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my 6 year old son to meet our new neighbours. When we got home he packed his bags and headed for the door. Once he reached the door, I asked where he was going. He replied, "To the neighbours'. They have a bigger television." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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By Mary - United States

He's trying to kill you!

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

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By redneckfamily - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

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By Zebra - 30/12/2020 22:58

Happy Birthday to me

Today, my sister was meant to come over for lunch for my birthday. Turns out, she forgot about it. FML

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By diablo

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By mack - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By lonely

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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By AlphaKappa

Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

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By oww - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

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By Hellohaileyexoh - United States

Today, I went to get food, I was late so my friend ordered for me. I took a few bites and it was getting hard to breathe. I realized it's a bluebery muffin, I'm deathly allergic. I look to my friend, she was laughing saying she wanted to see if it was true. I just got out of the hospital. FML

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By Eric Ngan - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

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By Henji - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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By efff my life. - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

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By samantha711 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By PerfectVision - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By fmylife. - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By ohyey - Norway

Dead bed

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

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By Mee - United States

Nice timing

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 23:01

I hate the be the bearer of bad news…

Today, I texted my sister to ask her if she was OK after finding out that one of her oldest friends had died. She didn’t know. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the cause of the recent pain in my chest was that I had a torn muscle. What caused this? I sneezed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, after scouring my apartment for quarters to do laundry, I found the correct amount of change. The change got jammed in the washing machine. I now have no more quarters, and my clothes are caked with soap from washing them in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML

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By Gonzales - Belgium - Leuven

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

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By sleeping on the floor - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML

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By IcyWindows - United States - Syracuse

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because, according to him, the sound of me scraping the ice off my windshield wakes him up every morning. This is the same neighbor who ran over my mailbox last week because there was too much snow on his windows to see properly. FML

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By college parking sucks - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7903958 - Wednesday 6 May 2020 18:16

She sounds stupid, so discussing such matters with her would be a waste of time anyways.

Talk to a professional and look for support groups for stroke victims and their families.

By Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7904145 - Thursday 7 May 2020 8:38

Oh I would get extremely petty with her. I would then call her every day to every other day, stating that you need to discuss your father's behaviors and problems with her.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7903958 - Wednesday 6 May 2020 18:16

She sounds stupid, so discussing such matters with her would be a waste of time anyways.

Talk to a professional and look for support groups for stroke victims and their families.

By Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7904145 - Thursday 7 May 2020 8:38

Oh I would get extremely petty with her. I would then call her every day to every other day, stating that you need to discuss your father's behaviors and problems with her.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7904350 - Friday 8 May 2020 1:15

When this lockdown is over, go over to her house, and deck her. Give her a real reason to cry.