Today, my crackhead neighbour got slightly annoyed at my 2-day-old daughter's late-night wailing. Well, I think so, anyway, as she politely requested us to "SHUT THAT CUNT KID UP." or she would "BLOW BOTH OUR HOUSES UP, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS." But I'm not 100% sure. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML
Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML
Today, my neighbor yelled “Fuck you!” at me through his window. My crime? Closing my front door “too loud.” This man lets his children beat on the walls and slam doors but apparently I’m the problem. FML
Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML
Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street, about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML
Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML
Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML
Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four-month-old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML
Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "Shit!", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother." FML
Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML
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Top comments
tweetyzyaw 20
Time to call the Fuzz
manateesarecool 13
She has a nice vocabulary
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Comments (119)
worldclassrager 41
What a colorful phrase
Matheo_fml 21
The problem is set. You'll get frustrated because the baby is waking up the neighbours. The baby sences that so it will thus be more frustrated and cry more. This is a vicious circle. Try to give a **** about what they feel or if they wake up but be ready for everything they can throw at you. Also, having a baby is the most beautiful thing in the World. Try to enjoy that!
tdawg91 17
You'll find that most cooks don't take too much of their own shit, gotta keep a clear head when you're dealing with extremely explosive shit
ASeeR 14
you live next to the psycho of neighborhood...
jberg583 12
Hummm... I really enjoyed the way you wrote this FML... But I am not totally sure
oathkeeper99 31
As rude as your neighbour was and as disgusting as her language was, I do feel the pain of being kept awake by neighbour babies. I had a period of about two years where in two different houses I managed to live right next door to a baby both times. I'm a light sleeper and was lucky to get more than 5 hours sleep a night in between the baby crying and the parents yelling at it to shut up. I often felt like yelling at the baby to shut up too.
snazzymcwho 21
Jesus Christ you don't YELL at a baby to quiet it! you gently rock and feed it to calm it down and get it to sleep! Your problem isn't that you lived next to a baby, the problem is that those poor babies had **** parents! Yelling won't solve anything with kids. Patience and a calm soothing voice will quiet an upset child. ****. This makes me angry. I ******* miscarry and asshats that don't even appreciate their babies get to have them. ****.
iLOVEbbs78138 3
Tell her/it to shut her face before you hurt her worse than the crack does.
awishinthenight 5
you can almost feel the sarcasm. I love it. anyways that stinks... maybe tell the cops to monitor your neighbor just in case she does try something
juturnaamo 29
Hell of a set of lungs on your baby. I can't hear my 2 month old in the next room without the monitor.
shessohighh 10
You must live in a house or very nice apartment. In most apartments the walls are paper thin, and given the fact that OP's neighbor is a supposed crackhead, I'd assume OP isn't living in a luxury villa.
juturnaamo 29
It's a house, but the wall in the closet between them doesn't even go all the way up. Maybe I'm just deaf from generator work.
Brandi_Faith 34
I think you probably just have a quieter baby. I've been around an insane amount of babies in my life and some cry quieter and other scream bloody murder. Some build up their cry going from really soft to louder and louder, and others jump from silence to screaming in .8 seconds. Lol
vikky538 29
Its time to throw your babies dirty diaper on their roof.