Money: Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He...

By Nick - 20/07/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 135

You deserved it 5 098

Money

Own it

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Triage

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 352

You deserved it 29 218

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

By Chandra - 12/05/2019 10:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 569

By anonymous - 16/02/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 525

You deserved it 2 961

By forgotten - 28/02/2013 00:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 124

You deserved it 3 971

Panic

By Lexy - 19/07/2021 07:01

Today, I'm so afraid of Covid, I lied to my friends to avoid hanging out with them every time I was invited. Yes, I've been vaccinated already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 1 193

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 158

You deserved it 252

By NoJobNovember - 06/11/2014 19:09 - United States - Wadsworth

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 38 161

By anonymous - 08/01/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 088

You deserved it 4 943

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 297

By rosmaizura - 01/10/2010 07:39 - Malaysia

Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 362

You deserved it 22 338

By BlakeVB - 25/05/2019 14:18

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 857

You deserved it 264

By thebigguy - 12/08/2017 04:30

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 699

You deserved it 1 261

By zaktor - 08/04/2018 15:00

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 196

You deserved it 3 542

By fmerunning - 29/06/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 100

You deserved it 3 436

By greenroses92 - 19/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was called stupid by a customer, after I supposedly got his order wrong. He then threw his ice cream cone on the floor, tracked it around the store, and left. While I was cleaning it up, he came back and tripped me right into the mop water, spilling it everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 108

GPS FML

By lostinthewoods - 30/05/2019 04:00

Today, while hiking, my dad decided we should take the beeline trail down the mountain to save time. When we got to the bottom of the mountain, we discovered we were on the wrong side. We had to hike 13 extra miles to go around the mountain to get back to our car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 345

By maggieyokoi - 15/06/2015 19:11

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 211

You deserved it 2 241

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 093

You deserved it 3 508

By Just Awkward - 21/04/2017 02:00

Today, I was in class rubbing my hands together. The lecturer thought that because my hands were up, I had a question. I replied with, "Oh, no I was just playing with myself." Just as it left my mouth, I realised what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 437

You deserved it 1 238

By gera3gera - 07/10/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 740

You deserved it 4 092

By blububble412 - 22/01/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 954

You deserved it 2 449

By kimm1993 - 03/08/2013 04:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 637

You deserved it 8 428

By jacey chreyest - 14/02/2014 21:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 624

You deserved it 4 990

By Anonymous - 21/05/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 306

You deserved it 307

By danikka1 - 11/03/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 024

You deserved it 10 467

Not really a good idea

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 18:00

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 2 275

By Tom - 26/06/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 769

You deserved it 6 873

By pregnantapparently - 10/12/2015 18:45 - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 910

You deserved it 3 308

By thedd - 18/08/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 049

You deserved it 3 867

By soldier - 06/05/2009 02:40 - United States

Today, I was running late for work. To save time, I grabbed my belt on my way out the door and was putting it on in the elevator, which stopped at the next floor before I had put my belt all the way on. A hot girl stepped into the elevator, looked at my undone belt, screamed "Ew" and got off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 572

You deserved it 10 490

By tacoboy27 - 21/12/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 641

You deserved it 3 546

Tour de France

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia - Ipswich

Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 665

You deserved it 26 357

By beachbum - 27/02/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my buddy. Messing around, he swam up behind me and dunked me under the water. Naturally, moments later I swam behind him, grabbed both his ankles and stood up, flipping him completely, only to see him watching me from a few feet away. I flipped a 70 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 414

You deserved it 54 008

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 624

You deserved it 3 432

Forever alone, episode 7864

By Anonymous - 01/04/2020 23:00

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 330

You deserved it 368

By ashleynicolle - 25/02/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 660

You deserved it 36 786

By Anna - 02/10/2012 17:37 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 953

You deserved it 4 408

By Anonymous - 28/11/2017 15:00

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 052

You deserved it 566

By Leigha - 02/01/2012 02:14 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 189

You deserved it 50 057

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 31/03/2021 14:29 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, it's now the 10th girl who has gone out with me but ended up falling for one of my close friends, who she met through me. I starting to feel I am that guy in the movie "Good Luck Chuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 65

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

aliyourpally 12

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

_GoodGuy 11

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

aliyourpally 12

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

naxeeb 33

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:10

Who who? Surely not the mom, right? :P

friedpwnadge 25

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:20

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\ 28

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:23

Like mother, like son.

HKCgrimmjow 15

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 5:13

Son of a bitch! Wait what? Yeah you heard me.

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES 16

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 5:40

You didn't need to point that out.

LeFrogDog 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 6:12

Some people's children

trucksfar45 7

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 9:06

I wonder if the childs mother learned that from her mother

Nydeira 11

Send a private message

Monday 22 July 2013 19:16

I woulda slapped her and left.

_GoodGuy 11

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:26

Except when an Apple-nado storms through town. Will my idea make millions, too? :D

Pwn17 25

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:47

What the hell are you talking about?

RoboCunnilingus 23

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:55

Got the reference. It was still bad.

evilplatypus 38

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 3:11

35 - They're talking about that stupid new movie Sharknado.

ScenicSubterfuge 39

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 4:46

Haha, that apple didn't even fall!

BntyHntrSeattle 30

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 4:54

I'll take that as a no... It's not my fault the media people have horrible scifi taste ;)

harrypotter4evur 15

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 4:57

But this apple must have gotten run over by a lawn mower or something.

asoptavlo14 6

Send a private message

Monday 22 July 2013 7:49

What the hell is going on with this comment feed

RedPillSucks 31

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

Careful she doesn't cut your ass, cause snitches get stitches

lickastick 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:41

Snitches are such bitches..

Glitter_taco_ 10

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 4:06

Snitches are bitches that wake up with stitches in ditches

CallMeMcFeelii 13

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 10:31

This is the moment for OP to bring up his pimp hand and say "What the fuck you just call me!?" Then slowly walk towards the exit, pimp hand still waving strong. Intimidating, yet a peaceful resolution with dignity still intact.

DKjazz 20

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 10:50

Snitches are bitches that wake up in ditches with stitches, but without britches, because they were catching while Mitch pitches.

Queensland 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 12:18

The time wasted on this thread....

patrickalamo 47

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:06

Trailer trash Where they head to the Jerry Springer show

NoMore_CoolNames 14

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

....What?

Warmonger_Smurf 29

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:30

As opposed to the more common entitled rich kids who have no rules.

misspulkadot24 17

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 3:36

Translation: Those people were trailer trash. Where were they headed to, the Jerry Springer Show?

WhoWhat_fml 10

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 9:50

I am not sure how to respond to this...

isallwaysme 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 14:41

then dont.

football98_fml 20

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

no wonder where he learns all those swear words from...

brebabee793 13

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

the child can't be better if the mom is going to not mind how she speaks around him.

doodlecloud 26

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 12:15

Agreed - my first thought was 'more like fuck that kid's life'...he doesn't stand a chance...even schools can't help much if the mum is completely unwilling to support them.

isallwaysme 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:09

i advise not going back.if.you.dont have much patience

MakeTodayADTR 20

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

Stop with the excessive periods. That was painful to read.

drewflav 17

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 6:00

You shall like this period. Or that period. Or this period. Period. By the way, I did thumb your comment up 25. I'm just gently trolling you.

illkatt09 9

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 7:49

The period is right next to the spacebar so I doubt he did that purposely. He probably didn't proofread it before posting.

Queensland 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 12:09

Pressing that tiny button so many times as opposed to the long ass button is amazing 7. I've signed you up for Americas got talent!

isallwaysme 27

Send a private message

Sunday 21 July 2013 14:38

has anybody ever used android? the space bar on my phone isn't perfectly in the center, whereas the period is close to the center of the screen. but that is not an excuse for laziness. and you're right 77.