Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He...

By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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Money

DINOSAURS!!

Goodbye Bill

Bad boys, bad boys…

By Mrs.Slyfox - 28/6/2011 09:53 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

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By wtf_are_people_doing - 21/4/2020 23:00

Stay safe, stay home FFS!

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend for a walk. It's our anniversary, and I hadn't seen him in over a month because of the quarantine, so we agreed to meet, as long as we had the proper safety gear and were careful. On my way to meet him, I drove past a park. In it were twelve half-naked teenagers playing volleyball. FML

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By theseguysarewhipped... - 6/10/2014 15:05 - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

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By misc - 13/9/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

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By qyx3lmnop24 - 20/12/2014 07:33 - United States - Napa

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

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By life sucks - 20/5/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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By steak through the heart - 18/11/2014 18:57 - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By scarlett666 - 5/6/2009 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 16:00

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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By MadWorld - 28/8/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By bdayloser - 7/11/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Alone. My only birthday wish came from the police officer who gave me a ticket. FML

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By JJ_V3N0M - 3/1/2015 10:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday, so I decided to take her to a fancy restaurant and give her an expensive $400 necklace that I had bought. Being traditional, I asked the waiter to arrange it nicely on the tray when he came with our dessert. Neither he nor the necklace ever showed up. FML

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By anon - 22/11/2015 06:40 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I told my dad that scientists discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all b.s and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 18:00

Crazy best friend

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, and my drunk best friend knocked on our door. We screamed 'go away' and she still opened the door. She then saw us, and asked if she can join. FML

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By maxiflouf - 28/12/2009 09:50 - France

Today, someone I used to know got in touch with me, after I hadn't heard from him in years. He insisted that we met up as soon as possible, and wanted me to go to his house that afternoon. I spent the afternoon repairing his computer. Since then, no news. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2015 19:10 - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By NaKreen - 30/7/2012 22:21 - Sweden - Bor

Today, I was at a barbecue with my extended family. I was chatting to my grandma, when my idiotic brother decided to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing sounded so much like a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamed and practically shat my pants. FML

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By Lauren Smith - 17/10/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

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By pasha - 16/5/2015 00:51 - Canada - Beamsville

Today, my overly-clean mum decided to drop by and surprise me by cleaning my house while I was out jogging. She used half a bottle of bleach, and now it hurts to blink, let alone breathe. FML

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By mobster - 26/7/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

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By mommylovesu - 15/3/2011 02:25 - United States

Today, the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten. When it honked, I opened the door for her to let her run out to it. Halfway there she tripped and started crying. I couldn't run out because I was still in my underwear. Now her bus thinks I'm the worst mom ever. FML

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By jessica238 - 8/4/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

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By anon - 20/3/2015 21:43 - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 16:27 - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 20:08

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

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By wrongguy - 11/5/2013 23:04 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend woke me up the same way he always does, by pulling on my hair. Just to be playful, I pulled him down on top of me and kissed him. Turns out his brother thought it would be funny to wake people up the same way. FML

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By Luke - 19/3/2013 09:59 - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By StinkyDogs - 27/3/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By Moon-chan - 30/6/2019 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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By fml_anon - 19/3/2016 08:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By mick - 29/4/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By - 18/2/2017 06:00 - Australia - Frankston

Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

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By jaeilssanguh - 26/11/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 22:00

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By Bozo - 31/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Saukville

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

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Top comments

By aliyourpally | 12

#5590069 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5590071 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

COMMENTS

By aliyourpally | 12

#5590069 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

naxeeb | 33

#5590101 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:10

Who who? Surely not the mom, right? :P

friedpwnadge | 25

#5590119 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:20

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\ | 28

#5590125 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:23

Like mother, like son.

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5590295 - Sunday 21 July 2013 5:13

Son of a bitch! Wait what? Yeah you heard me.

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590308 - Sunday 21 July 2013 5:40

You didn't need to point that out.

LeFrogDog | 27

#5590334 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:12

Some people's children

trucksfar45 | 7

#5590434 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:06

I wonder if the childs mother learned that from her mother

Nydeira | 11

#5592559 - Monday 22 July 2013 19:16

I woulda slapped her and left.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5590071 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5590131 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:26

Except when an Apple-nado storms through town.
Will my idea make millions, too? :D

Pwn17 | 25

#5590163 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:47

What the hell are you talking about?

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5590173 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:55

Got the reference. It was still bad.

evilplatypus | 38

#5590185 - Sunday 21 July 2013 3:11

35 - They're talking about that stupid new movie Sharknado.

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5590271 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:46

Haha, that apple didn't even fall!

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5590278 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:54

I'll take that as a no...
It's not my fault the media people have horrible scifi taste ;)

harrypotter4evur | 15

#5590282 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:57

But this apple must have gotten run over by a lawn mower or something.

asoptavlo14 | 6

#5591797 - Monday 22 July 2013 7:49

What the hell is going on with this comment feed

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5590073 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

Careful she doesn't cut your ass, cause snitches get stitches

lickastick | 27

#5590158 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:41

Snitches are such bitches..

Glitter_taco_ | 10

#5590225 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:06

Snitches are bitches that wake up with stitches in ditches

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5590504 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:31

This is the moment for OP to bring up his pimp hand and say "What the fuck you just call me!?" Then slowly walk towards the exit, pimp hand still waving strong. Intimidating, yet a peaceful resolution with dignity still intact.

DKjazz | 20

#5590524 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:50

Snitches are bitches that wake up in ditches with stitches, but without britches, because they were catching while Mitch pitches.

Queensland | 27

#5590587 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:18

The time wasted on this thread....

By patrickalamo | 47

#5590078 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:06

Trailer trash
Where they head to the Jerry Springer show

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5590126 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

....What?

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5590137 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:30

As opposed to the more common entitled rich kids who have no rules.

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5590199 - Sunday 21 July 2013 3:36

Translation: Those people were trailer trash. Where were they headed to, the Jerry Springer Show?

WhoWhat_fml | 10

#5590457 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:50

I am not sure how to respond to this...

isallwaysme | 27

#5590689 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:41

then dont.

By football98_fml | 20

#5590082 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

no wonder where he learns all those swear words from...

By brebabee793 | 13

#5590083 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

the child can't be better if the mom is going to not mind how she speaks around him.

doodlecloud | 26

#5590579 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:15

Agreed - my first thought was 'more like fuck that kid's life'...he doesn't stand a chance...even schools can't help much if the mum is completely unwilling to support them.

By isallwaysme | 27

#5590092 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:09

i advise not going back.if.you.dont have much patience

MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5590128 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

Stop with the excessive periods. That was painful to read.

drewflav | 17

#5590325 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:00

You shall like this period. Or that period. Or this period. Period.

By the way, I did thumb your comment up 25. I'm just gently trolling you.

illkatt09 | 9

#5590395 - Sunday 21 July 2013 7:49

The period is right next to the spacebar so I doubt he did that purposely. He probably didn't proofread it before posting.

Queensland | 27

#5590566 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:09

Pressing that tiny button so many times as opposed to the long ass button is amazing 7. I've signed you up for Americas got talent!

isallwaysme | 27

#5590688 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:38

has anybody ever used android? the space bar on my phone isn't perfectly in the center, whereas the period is close to the center of the screen. but that is not an excuse for laziness. and you're right 77.