Money: Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He...

By Nick - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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Money

Triage

Mom of the year

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By John-John - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while out with my family, I happened to run into "the one who got away." She smilingly introduced herself to my wife, who definitely noticed that she and our daughter share the same name. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom; I'd completely lost focus and fallen asleep while taking a shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

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By kmyltd - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

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By brittney242 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

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By moorox45 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By ConstantChoas

Today, I found out the procedure manual I've been creating for months and finally finished is going to be used to train the person replacing me. FML

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By TJ - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By Just_Me_88 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, the mafia is out to get him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Username - Japan

Today, I quit my job and sent a mass mail on Facebook that I was moving to a different state with my long time boyfriend. He called me later that night to tell me we aren't moving after all. Now we are both jobless with loads of bills to pay by the end of the month. FML

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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By chao - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of us getting married some day. She said she wasn't sure about me yet and that we may want to go in different directions soon. We've been dating for three years and I had the ring in my pocket at the moment. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 19:56

Imagine if we had a social safety net…

Today, I was called selfish for complaining about COVID lockdowns. Thanks to lockdowns, my family's restaurant has been permanently closed, I've burned through all my savings, and we are going to lose our house. I guess being upset about my family's plight is selfish. FML

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By Canuckster - Canada

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

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By allergyssuck

Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I am allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I am allergic to it too. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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By FuckSteakNShake

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

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By blahblah - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

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By blondie875 - United States

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

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By L_lives - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

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By TGIkaty - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

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By WTF - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

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By lebanesewoman - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

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By americanbln - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

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By noxiffic - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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Top comments

By aliyourpally | 12

#5590069 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5590071 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

COMMENTS

By aliyourpally | 12

#5590069 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:04

Well, we know where he learned it from.

naxeeb | 33

#5590101 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:10

Who who? Surely not the mom, right? :P

friedpwnadge | 25

#5590119 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:20

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\ | 28

#5590125 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:23

Like mother, like son.

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5590295 - Sunday 21 July 2013 5:13

Son of a bitch! Wait what? Yeah you heard me.

YUMMYFRENCHFRIES | 16

#5590308 - Sunday 21 July 2013 5:40

You didn't need to point that out.

LeFrogDog | 27

#5590334 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:12

Some people's children

trucksfar45 | 7

#5590434 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:06

I wonder if the childs mother learned that from her mother

Nydeira | 11

#5592559 - Monday 22 July 2013 19:16

I woulda slapped her and left.

By _GoodGuy | 11

#5590071 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

The apple doesn't fall so far from the tree.

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5590131 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:26

Except when an Apple-nado storms through town.
Will my idea make millions, too? :D

Pwn17 | 25

#5590163 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:47

What the hell are you talking about?

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5590173 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:55

Got the reference. It was still bad.

evilplatypus | 38

#5590185 - Sunday 21 July 2013 3:11

35 - They're talking about that stupid new movie Sharknado.

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5590271 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:46

Haha, that apple didn't even fall!

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5590278 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:54

I'll take that as a no...
It's not my fault the media people have horrible scifi taste ;)

harrypotter4evur | 15

#5590282 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:57

But this apple must have gotten run over by a lawn mower or something.

asoptavlo14 | 6

#5591797 - Monday 22 July 2013 7:49

What the hell is going on with this comment feed

By RedPillSucks | 31

#5590073 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:05

Careful she doesn't cut your ass, cause snitches get stitches

lickastick | 27

#5590158 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:41

Snitches are such bitches..

Glitter_taco_ | 10

#5590225 - Sunday 21 July 2013 4:06

Snitches are bitches that wake up with stitches in ditches

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5590504 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:31

This is the moment for OP to bring up his pimp hand and say "What the fuck you just call me!?" Then slowly walk towards the exit, pimp hand still waving strong. Intimidating, yet a peaceful resolution with dignity still intact.

DKjazz | 20

#5590524 - Sunday 21 July 2013 10:50

Snitches are bitches that wake up in ditches with stitches, but without britches, because they were catching while Mitch pitches.

Queensland | 27

#5590587 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:18

The time wasted on this thread....

By patrickalamo | 47

#5590078 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:06

Trailer trash
Where they head to the Jerry Springer show

NoMore_CoolNames | 14

#5590126 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

....What?

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#5590137 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:30

As opposed to the more common entitled rich kids who have no rules.

misspulkadot24 | 17

#5590199 - Sunday 21 July 2013 3:36

Translation: Those people were trailer trash. Where were they headed to, the Jerry Springer Show?

WhoWhat_fml | 10

#5590457 - Sunday 21 July 2013 9:50

I am not sure how to respond to this...

isallwaysme | 27

#5590689 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:41

then dont.

By football98_fml | 20

#5590082 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

no wonder where he learns all those swear words from...

By brebabee793 | 13

#5590083 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:07

the child can't be better if the mom is going to not mind how she speaks around him.

doodlecloud | 26

#5590579 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:15

Agreed - my first thought was 'more like fuck that kid's life'...he doesn't stand a chance...even schools can't help much if the mum is completely unwilling to support them.

By isallwaysme | 27

#5590092 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:09

i advise not going back.if.you.dont have much patience

MakeTodayADTR | 20

#5590128 - Sunday 21 July 2013 2:25

Stop with the excessive periods. That was painful to read.

drewflav | 17

#5590325 - Sunday 21 July 2013 6:00

You shall like this period. Or that period. Or this period. Period.

By the way, I did thumb your comment up 25. I'm just gently trolling you.

illkatt09 | 9

#5590395 - Sunday 21 July 2013 7:49

The period is right next to the spacebar so I doubt he did that purposely. He probably didn't proofread it before posting.

Queensland | 27

#5590566 - Sunday 21 July 2013 12:09

Pressing that tiny button so many times as opposed to the long ass button is amazing 7. I've signed you up for Americas got talent!

isallwaysme | 27

#5590688 - Sunday 21 July 2013 14:38

has anybody ever used android? the space bar on my phone isn't perfectly in the center, whereas the period is close to the center of the screen. but that is not an excuse for laziness. and you're right 77.