Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

By lizzy1843 - 26/1/2011 14:48 - United States

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Animals

Who's a good boy?

Compassion

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 18:08 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML

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By Mrs. W. - 11/8/2015 00:32 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML

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By Screwupify - 6/8/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 15:19 - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By pooplife - 30/11/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for several moments stunned, still pooping. FML

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By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By lonely dreams - 1/1/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By nobrows - 6/4/2012 17:11 - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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By sadman - 7/5/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 20:57 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

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By tacoboy - 21/8/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

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By Cinnanyan - 2/6/2016 10:20 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

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By SimG - 7/7/2013 12:35 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

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By ilovezim29 - 3/6/2012 07:45 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By frankie - 19/1/2009 01:01 - Canada

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

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By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By fhe - 16/4/2012 15:52 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

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By noooo - 8/8/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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By vlcardenx3 - 12/3/2011 21:11 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Girl - 19/8/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By inpain14 - 13/5/2020 05:00

Headache

Today, I learned that one of the reasons I may be getting migraines every day is because I subconsciously clench my jaw a lot due to stress. To try and have it hurt less, I’ve gone back to wearing my plastic retainer during the day, but it makes my gag reflux act up. FML

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By anon - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

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By embarrassed niece - 9/7/2013 16:15 - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By lateforwork - 2/9/2019 14:00

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - 28/9/2011 19:26 - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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By JH - 1/7/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

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By TooFast - 21/7/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

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By savanna(: - 12/2/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2010 19:53 - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By of course - 20/4/2019 12:00

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2009970 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:51

And vat did you do zen?

By catnip216 | 0

#2009827 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:04

FYL for having a zen garden when you own a cat.

COMMENTS

By Ranora | 9

#2009795 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 18:58

Your cat pissed in what?! ...

Quasar55_fml | 18

#2009806 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:01

a japanese rock garden. Google it

ilikepie789 | 0

#2011605 - Thursday 27 January 2011 5:43

ydi for having a zen garden. and a cat.

whatup360 | 1

#2011689 - Thursday 27 January 2011 6:14

actually it originated in china

Cjw1220 | 0

#2012381 - Thursday 27 January 2011 11:57

67, Shut up. Cats are the shiz.

deerescu | 1

#2015957 - Friday 28 January 2011 9:07

lol!

HowAreYouToday | 34

#3358451 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 4:48

His zen garden...

razor417 | 0

#3870241 - Thursday 12 January 2012 6:32

at least OP found piss...

By aryan_chris | 0

#2009814 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:02

That is horrible FYL

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#2011797 - Thursday 27 January 2011 7:09

the correct answer is that this is fucking hilarious.

By nuhuh | 1

#2009822 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:03

did it throw off your

neal001 | 0

#3883594 - Saturday 14 January 2012 17:54

Did you turn it into a river?

By catnip216 | 0

#2009827 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:04

FYL for having a zen garden when you own a cat.

By Aerious | 0

#2009830 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:06

LOL this isn't funny at all.

Sirin_fml | 46

#2009881 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:23

Hahahah! I didn't actually laugh, but you know, I was bored.

Aerious | 0

#2010144 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 20:54

:[ I always do "LOL." Most people I talk too use it whenever versus the actual meaning.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2010246 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 21:50

"LOL" means more than "lol"... people just put "lol" to symbolize a smile. Well, at least I do... lol

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2010263 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 21:57

@ #40 / lol = laugh out loud. This is a smile --> :)

skwisgaar62 | 0

#2010506 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 22:59

#42 FTW

Alexxx125 | 0

#2011713 - Thursday 27 January 2011 6:25

42=win

GavinRoskamp | 0

#2011865 - Thursday 27 January 2011 8:08

I lolled.

coolkid_matt | 11

#2011994 - Thursday 27 January 2011 9:18

#42 win :D

13Lina97 | 0

#2373804 - Tuesday 19 April 2011 18:16

lol = little old ladies.

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2009832 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:07

By ulicksam | 0

#2009856 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:12

You own a cat. You own a zen garden. YDI.

By vomitknife | 0

#2009862 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:14

Have to agree with #10, a zen garden looks like a toilet to a cat.

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2010749 - Thursday 27 January 2011 0:32

the cat was meditating in it's giant fancy litterbox

By iamchuck | 0

#2009897 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:27

Thats something special to meditate on.

By Calyx_fml | 21

#2009908 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 19:31