Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

16888

23785

Today, the water company found that a water main has been leaking steadily possibly for decades and has turned the land my house is built on into an underground bog. Cracks have been appearing in my walls for a while, apparently because my house is slowly sinking into it. FML

Animals

Understandable

Call CPS!

Keys, how do they work?

By behold the Underminer

2625

122

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

By Username - France

31059

3262

Today, I was rotated to the graveyard shift at my job. My only co-worker is a twenty-something Paris Hilton wannabe who won't shut up about her belief that she's the reincarnation of Whitney Houston. FML

By bellsucker - Australia - Melbourne

27057

1952

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

By Misunderstood - United Kingdom

36878

11541

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

1839

129

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

By NoPrivacy - United States

9144

34585

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

By grandpa porn

3521

328

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

By romedizzle - Canada

24392

8257

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

By kezbabes - Ireland - Dublin

49975

3898

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

By MakeMyDay_27 - United States

43854

5604

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

By Slayer - Canada

10531

35471

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

32841

4356

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

By bigmikenyc - United States

22987

28530

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

2259

619

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

By nannynomore - United States

63165

3086

Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

By ghostninja4593 - United States - Council Bluffs

10112

1388

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

By awesome - United States

42952

14653

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

By CPN - United States

86210

9079

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

By PghSportsNation - United States

27428

4340

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

By Cheapo

1415

6043

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

By hospital - United States

40963

5633

Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML

By wetdreams - Canada

28047

3174

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

By Anonymous - Singapore

32857

11687

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

By Magnus_the_Red - United States

25473

3955

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

By Anonymous - United States - North Las Vegas

21374

14473

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

By Mazzam - France

30161

18496

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

By Party Pooper - United States

31556

2343

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

By EternalBlossom - United States

28420

23830

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

By Anonymous - United States

93982

243404

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

48995

3841

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

By "Audrey Harmon"

4313

257

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

31673

6062

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mcdonough

48201

12803

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

By Anonymous - United States

16307

38258

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28218

3158

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

By Andy - United States

39236

2715

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Drachten

35634

2677

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

By gnafron - France - Grenoble

42857

14920

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

22535

4281

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

By TTR - United States

12890

44532