Whatever floats your turd

Today, my boyfriend learned about my filthy fetishes in the worst way possible. He found me naked in the bathroom, licking the dirty toilet seat. I couldn't even make an excuse. FML

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

Beauty standards

Today, my boyfriend snuck up behind me while I was naked and whispered in my ear to bend over. I thought this was a lead up to doggy style but nope, he slapped a waxing strip on my exposed bum hole and ran off yelling, “No more hairy hole! No more hairy hole!” FML

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving her boyfriend's nuts. Apparently, he'd snuck in through her window. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

Holes

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

Classic Dave

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML