Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was...

By meow - 14/1/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Incognito browsing

Boom, headshot

By juliannamelissa - 6/9/2012 06:38 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

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By Kris - 7/8/2011 20:37 - China

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

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By failed brood mare - 17/11/2013 17:46 - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

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By John - 19/11/2011 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

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By royalscenery - 27/10/2010 21:58 - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By jemma - 4/8/2009 11:27 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML

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By derve - 7/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By ThatAintLogical - 18/12/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

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By DezyCoCo - 1/10/2016 05:14 - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent 2 hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for 10 seconds to come back to my 2-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Keldar - 19/8/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

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By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

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By NoRingForMe - 18/7/2012 17:03 - United States - Stamford

Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML

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By akward - 4/9/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I began my job as an intern at a high school. I saw one of the students looked very familiar, and I couldn't remember from where. Then I figured it out, I had hooked up with him at a club last week. He's a junior in high school, I'm in my last year of college. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By xxccruzxx - 29/6/2012 13:30 - United States

Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2014 22:45 - United States - Traverse City

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By soccerscout7 - 8/2/2011 12:48

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - 4/12/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By bride2be - 14/2/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

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By upset mom - 24/4/2019 04:00

Today, during a meeting, the president of the honor society apologized for being out for a couple of days due to the flu, and wanted to get everything back on track. I mumbled that she hadn't shown good leadership by being out. I guess she heard me, because she said, “Neither does being a teen mom.” FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML

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By menstruation nation - 11/8/2020 05:01

Freak out

Today, my boyfriend flipped out when he saw a period tracker app on my phone. According to him, chicks only use those when they want to know when they’re the most fertile so they can “baby trap” a man. I have irregular cycles. The app helps me know when I should or shouldn’t expect a period. FML

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By newniece - 27/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML

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By Murphy's law - 13/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/6/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

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By left out - 11/1/2014 20:26 - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 08:02

Constructive criticism

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

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By B'Dawk - 14/10/2018 13:30

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

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By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2011 23:58 - Canada

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

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By Madison43097 - 24/9/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By wah wah "you raised him" - 22/4/2014 18:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 19:11 - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

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Top comments

By Mortgaged | 0

#773579 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:44

That's funny! Hurtful but funny. I am the same way. I'm a thrasher. Maybe you should consider a sleep number bed?

By CallMeHush | 0

#773553 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:14

Well me and the rest of the football team did try to warn him...

COMMENTS

By _TheSmallThings_ | 0

#773500 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:29

first

SarcasticAvenger | 9

#773526 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:41

Who F*cking cares moron!

littlemisshottie_fml | 0

#979500 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 22:15

ha. learn to actually write things that people actually care about.

By lizliz07 | 0

#773502 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:30

first!

24788 | 6

#773527 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:42

Nope you guys weren't first. OP was first you got here a little late.

By jair_lhao | 0

#773504 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:30

lmao well ydi for snoring weird and #2 you fail

Okinawa95 | 2

#2835139 - Thursday 7 July 2011 2:21

^ Agreed. Get that shit fixed. =|

By lizliz07 | 0

#773510 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:32

haha so close!

By Advacora | 0

#773511 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:33

Take the hint. Stop getting buckwild in the bed.

By Lessychan | 4

#773512 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:33

And yet so far...

By israelnotjacob | 20

#773514 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:33

You'll live.

By _TheSmallThings_ | 0

#773518 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:35

You put up a good fight! :D

By SarcasticAvenger | 9

#773529 - Thursday 14 January 2010 9:42

Maybe he was getting freaky with that cat while you were asleep.

ilovefatcats | 12

#967055 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 2:14

nobody likes a vibrateing pussy xD

By abcnonamecba | 0

#773545 - Thursday 14 January 2010 10:05

WOW