Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 606

10/03/2011 15:08

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 705

You deserved it 9 480

Stop talking!

Goddammit, Facebook!

Almost there

10/12/2013 18:04

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 128

You deserved it 9 723

Nice try

By UncleRory - 16/05/2009 09:13

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 214

You deserved it 25 470

Always save to the cloud!

By beachedwhale21 - 22/06/2020 05:01

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 221

31/08/2015 21:46

Today, it was my birthday and I have no children. My father bluntly says, "Well, I guess if I get any grand-babies out of you now, they will have Down's Syndrome." I just turned 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 520

You deserved it 1 913

01/01/2011 04:05

Today, I had a major falling out with my best friend. Angry, I sent a short text message to him explaining how I felt. I soon noticed I'd accidentally texted "I'm going to fucking kill you, asshole." to my boss instead. I'm still waiting on a reply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 578

You deserved it 40 293

17/08/2013 22:56

Spicy

Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 006

You deserved it 7 381

22/02/2009 15:10

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 377

You deserved it 5 679

22/06/2013 21:16

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 740

You deserved it 3 226

27/11/2010 19:12

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 481

You deserved it 6 230

20/02/2016 18:06

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 251

You deserved it 1 365

16/12/2012 06:25

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 661

You deserved it 18 269

Woof! I do not consent!

By Horny and Unamused - 25/05/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, at my wit's end, I had to have a conversation with my dog's trainer. During the pandemic, my otherwise housebroken dog began to pee in my bathroom whenever my boyfriend and I have sex. Our sex life is suffering and we went from 2-3 times a week to 8 times in the last year… with 8 matching piss puddles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 950

You deserved it 167

Bad pig!

By otter - 17/08/2011 02:05

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 601

You deserved it 16 546

Believe her next time

By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/09/2020 08:02

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 155

20/06/2012 12:46

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 894

You deserved it 3 646

25/03/2013 13:13

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 180

You deserved it 6 151

08/04/2014 20:13

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 542

You deserved it 4 022

Keeping up appearances

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 439

You deserved it 762

08/06/2012 23:13

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 282

You deserved it 2 066

27/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 497

You deserved it 143

08/10/2011 20:40

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 490

You deserved it 17 463

09/01/2013 19:57

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

12/12/2016 09:33

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 937

You deserved it 1 125

01/12/2011 20:32

Spicy

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 182

You deserved it 3 420

25/05/2017 16:00

Today, a guy who lives in my condo complex threatened to take my husband and me to small claims court. Why? He was mad about the $300 fine to get his truck back after it was towed, because he was parked in our spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 279

You deserved it 347

05/08/2012 20:21

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 169

You deserved it 40 303

19/09/2011 20:27

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 617

You deserved it 36 608

10/04/2012 11:13

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 568

You deserved it 3 576

06/08/2012 05:41

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 926

You deserved it 2 525

04/10/2012 15:17

Spicy

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 885

You deserved it 4 212

05/04/2017 04:00

Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 582

You deserved it 707

21/10/2009 22:35

Today, I went to my academic counselor to help me deal with my stress and anxiety, which has been making me nauseous from the constant strain. She suggested exercise to help these feelings. Every time I do so, I vomit. From the anxiety and stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 004

You deserved it 5 407

12/01/2010 00:28

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 819

You deserved it 2 334

22/03/2009 19:45

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 605

You deserved it 14 345

06/02/2009 22:40

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 663

You deserved it 25 688

13/09/2012 14:31

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 107

You deserved it 4 485

24/04/2013 15:20

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 014

You deserved it 17 521

13/05/2016 02:40

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 132

You deserved it 1 374

No balls activity

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that thing away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 626

Freaked out

By ADanceWithDavos - 07/07/2014 15:59

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 888

You deserved it 4 606

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Top comments

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:16

...I wonder if he shaved his pubes to look like a chest.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:24

It's hair. The rest can be shaved and it'll all grow back. No wonder he did all that - He's trying to instill a sense of humor in you but obviously it's now working. FHL.

Comments

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:14

Sux to be you

itsgonnahappento 11

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:18

say: "that's the closest to a penis your gonna have"

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:25

I see what you did there #1!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:28

I see what you did there #1!!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:31

I see what you did there #1!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:33

I see what you did there #1!!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 19:30

that... is... AWESOME!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 20:33

Totally fucking cool.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:16

Seriously, I understand it may have been weird, but I laughed when I read this!

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:20

Hmm, did he have the penis pointing toasted his mouth?

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:30

I guess he can fuck you twice ?

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Friday 11 March 2011 0:21

he is one hardcore motherfucker

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Friday 11 March 2011 4:49

did it point to his mouth or his other head?

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Friday 11 March 2011 9:35

and was it wearing a condom?

kazumaslayer666 3

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Monday 14 March 2011 21:38

like a boss

T9FTW 20

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Wednesday 31 October 2012 5:38

SUX HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!1! No.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:16

do I make you Randy ?!?!? do I make your horny baby ?!?

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:16

...I wonder if he shaved his pubes to look like a chest.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 19:56

hahaha lol

welandedonthemoo 5

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Thursday 10 March 2011 21:51

good one lol

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:56

lmao^

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Friday 11 March 2011 3:41

very good one!

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Friday 11 March 2011 3:54

interesting...

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Friday 11 March 2011 5:44

lmfao

musicsadyingart 12

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Friday 11 March 2011 6:47

Charlie Sheen approves. WIN!

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Friday 11 March 2011 8:32

haha probably

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Friday 11 March 2011 17:50

brillant!

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Friday 11 March 2011 19:00

nice

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Friday 11 March 2011 20:10

gotta catch em all

hellsoldier23 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:15

ha lol win!!!

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Sunday 25 September 2011 16:29

lololol (;

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:16

That's disturbing... xD Lol

AsianCookie247 14

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:29

yes it is!

missory_missouri 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:33

Now, laugh and say,"You wish it were that big!"

slightlypyro1996 4

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Friday 11 March 2011 2:06

So, you guys don't do that? Well at least I'm not the only one...

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:16

Why was he stripping in the first place, you should be dancing and stripping for him. That way he won't feel he has to shave his chest hair so it's like a penis

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:19

What? All guys don't do that? Sounds normal to me.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 4:08

hii

chupacabra141 9

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Wednesday 25 April 2012 15:57

Austin powers...

FallonFerSure 6

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:21

Sounds sexy ;)

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:12

right that's a win for her not an fml

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Friday 11 March 2011 4:23

agreed

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Sunday 20 March 2011 10:45

u are:-)

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Tuesday 12 April 2011 8:34

It was cute, then it turned romantic

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:24

It's hair. The rest can be shaved and it'll all grow back. No wonder he did all that - He's trying to instill a sense of humor in you but obviously it's now working. FHL.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 22:03

poor guy. sounds like a lot of thought and effort wasted.

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Friday 11 March 2011 2:24

I agree 100% It's hair. That is usually covered. It isn't like he shaved the hair on his head into the shape of a penis.

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Saturday 12 March 2011 15:49

ya the gf here is purty a jerk . her bf was jus trying to make her laugh.

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Sunday 13 March 2011 4:24

Agreed. She should be lucky her boyfriend has enough chest hair to even do this.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:27

I think I would enjoy seeing this

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Thursday 10 March 2011 19:39

hey Wats da name of the character u have as ur pic

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Thursday 10 March 2011 19:44

Jessica Rabbit

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Thursday 10 March 2011 20:55

now he's looking up porn

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Thursday 10 March 2011 20:56

now he's looking up porn

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:46

haha win

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:46

LOLOLOL

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:28

Gay.

CaughRedHanded 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 18:33

how manly :0 pffft. Let's face it, American guys just can't beat the British sex symbol XD

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Thursday 10 March 2011 19:26

maybe, but we can beat your teeth

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Thursday 10 March 2011 20:06

British guys are so hot 

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Thursday 10 March 2011 21:06

46. could you not think of anything better than Chubsey-ubsey ? that was lame as shit ! but then again what would you expect from a brit.

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Thursday 10 March 2011 22:54

Hahahaha did I make the little Fag angry ? Your probably just bleeding out your vagina because you know you are forced to have sex with your girlfriend that has a vagina more yellow and stanky that your teeth while I am over In America enjoying my freedoms and having sex with my hot ass blonde girlfriend with massive double D tits. You can suck my massive TEXAS size dick you fagity Nigger loving, Jew cop, sheep fucker, ass pirate, hippie bitch, cum guzzling, piece of British shit.

SexyMcKittington 3

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Thursday 10 March 2011 23:46

you mean the Canadian British sex symbol ;)

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Friday 11 March 2011 2:49

Cool, stereotyping.

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Friday 11 March 2011 7:56

cheerio!

PrincessPwned 0

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Friday 11 March 2011 8:09

I always thought the sexiest British man was Robert Pattinson :P

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Friday 11 March 2011 8:44

I feel sorry for you, PrincessPwned.. To think he looks hot, let alone the hottest? The pity...

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Friday 11 March 2011 14:32

I think the real fml here is PrincessPwned's comment..

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 21:34

Yuck! His face is shaped like a crescent moon...

simpleplan239999 1

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Tuesday 19 April 2011 15:40

ewwwww. hellllll no