Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me....

By DuChaillu - 27/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Nice neighborhood

Long story short

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 09:29 - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 13:51 - United States - Pottstown

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By UghCats - 6/2/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

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By brokeforever - 18/3/2015 22:23 - Latvia - Riga

Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML

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By anonymous - 21/6/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

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By AwkwardMoments - 26/1/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By subtweetqueen - 9/9/2016 04:18 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By foxfur - 14/7/2016 12:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 17:00 - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day. I gave a speech about the first time my wife and I met. I said I knew she was the perfect woman for me and it was love at first sight. I looked to my right as she stormed off and then realized I had told a story about my ex-girlfriend who was sitting in the crowd. FML

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By Michelle - 4/8/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML

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By Flandre - 23/12/2018 12:00

Today I gave over $100 to my online friend in presents for Christmas, only to find out he can't use any because of his strict parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 13:54 - Greece - Athens

Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML

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By crybaby - 1/2/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

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By SNBBFF - 25/10/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By EnderHorse - 5/11/2015 20:52 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 10:28 - United States - Richmond

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

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By job hunter - 18/5/2017 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML

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By Thankshun - 4/3/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By krray - 11/3/2017 22:00

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2011 20:13 - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

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By wasted_gas - 5/10/2013 16:00 - United States - Cumming

Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML

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By Embarassed - 19/3/2014 22:24 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2018 22:10

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By :| - 22/10/2013 01:40 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By Rachel - 20/7/2012 05:13 - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By lifeguard down - 1/8/2010 04:23 - United States

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By Cat Ashes - 5/12/2013 05:18 - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/9/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

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By Kathryn - 13/8/2011 10:31 - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

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By dannij08 - 14/1/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By ihatewalmart - 29/6/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, while at work, I witnessed a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said "yep... that just happened" and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2012 03:24 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

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Top comments

By irsmeagol | 0

#801916 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:22

At least he matched.

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

Comments

By azurablade | 0

#801890 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:12

lol

ps2stony | 0

#802034 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 13:41

are you trying to say something about zebra lingerie and/or knee socks?

GameDub | 0

#803750 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:03

lmao that sounds kinda not attractive
nohomo.

xlostwithoutu | 0

#803849 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:39

Lol, zebra knee socks have the word "sexy" written all over them .... not really, but ok... lmao XD

bubbub617 | 0

#811548 - Sunday 31 January 2010 5:04

too bad the girl who was tied up with jizz on her face didnt have that on..

Yankeepunk | 0

#891086 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:48

yea is it that he was weatring it? or was it that he left lol

AshleyTay | 0

#1016049 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 4:19

thats not very nice to laugh at him.

wintamint101 | 7

#2991362 - Friday 29 July 2011 6:05

matchy matchyy

By johnts03 | 8

#801897 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:14

looks like he got caught in the dreaded sock gap. he really should have known better.

jobobo | 0

#802117 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 14:43

the sock gap theory is alive and well

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

remy_xi | 0

#802572 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 19:56

Sexy ones.

xDarkComeSoonX | 0

#802885 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:57

I do. I want rainbow ones.

HeresReality | 0

#803204 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:12

anyting knee high on guys or girls is just not sexy. same deal with socks

zeddeiram | 0

#2866183 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:16

i disagree sir. my girlfriends police uniform consists of kneehigh leather stillettos.

JayJaysGirl | 0

#4041608 - Thursday 16 February 2012 5:14

Sorry to break it to you..your girlfriends might be a prostitute..just saying

2nd | 20

#6345720 - Thursday 9 July 2015 21:32

or it was a sexual roleplay scenario.

marigoldcobain | 21

#6373451 - Thursday 6 August 2015 23:10

I like it when guys wear knee socks honestly…

Hempseed | 22

#7722296 - Monday 12 November 2018 19:34

How exactly does the fact that someone enjoys dressing up in a cop uniform make them a prostitute?

You must be pretty vanilla in bed if that's all it takes for you to consider someone a prostitute.