Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me....

By DuChaillu - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Thanks, government

Nice neighborhood

By DamnDominoes - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML

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By adrenochrome - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By Skylan - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that my husband is attracted to obese, unhealthy women after celebrating my weight loss of 175lbs and improving my overall health. FML

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5116

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388

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By Embarassed - United States - Kent

Today, my girlfriend dared me to put on her bra and panties and give her a lap dance. Feeling spontaneous, I decided to do it. Just as I was getting really into it, she told me I was on webcam for all her friends. Apparently it was a contest of who had their boyfriend the most whipped. She won. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

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By GoDiarrhea - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

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By Lesbian

Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML

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By Mith - Poland

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

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By happybride

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By DamnHippieSoap - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

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By f.m.

Today, I took my driving test. I was nervous, but I thought I followed the rules of the road pretty well. My tester ended up failing me for "backing out too slowly". FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By Betrayed - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

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By MacGrouber - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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34739

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By janused - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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By christacat - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

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11943

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

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10413

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By habassistant - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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By changeddaily - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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35355

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By fartz - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By Confuseddad - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By scooterbyrd

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

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By NewBride - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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22807

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, we got our family pictures back from the printers. I complained to my mom about the ones she picked. "Oh don't worry," she said. "I had them photoshop out your gut." I was talking about my smile. FML

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By Kitty - United States

Today, I was working as a waitress at this pub. It was dead. After 4 hours I had only made 5$ in tips. A friendly couple came in and complimented EVERYTHING down to the freshness of the lemons in their tea. The bill came to $50. They left me a $5 gift card to starbucks. I don't drink coffee. FML

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49531

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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30446

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By oh gee

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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18887

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By HeartToFart - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

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By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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25833

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By Unfortunate - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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6806

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went Christmas tree shopping. My husband and I were walking around when I saw the perfect tree. Excited, we immediately bought it. When we got home and set it up, I realized it came with a present: termites. FML

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33208

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By joyful-not - United States

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

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Top comments

By irsmeagol | 0

#801916 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:22

At least he matched.

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

COMMENTS

By azurablade | 0

#801890 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:12

lol

ps2stony | 0

#802034 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 13:41

are you trying to say something about zebra lingerie and/or knee socks?

GameDub | 0

#803750 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:03

lmao that sounds kinda not attractive
nohomo.

xlostwithoutu | 0

#803849 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:39

Lol, zebra knee socks have the word "sexy" written all over them .... not really, but ok... lmao XD

bubbub617 | 0

#811548 - Sunday 31 January 2010 5:04

too bad the girl who was tied up with jizz on her face didnt have that on..

Yankeepunk | 0

#891086 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:48

yea is it that he was weatring it? or was it that he left lol

AshleyTay | 0

#1016049 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 4:19

thats not very nice to laugh at him.

wintamint101 | 7

#2991362 - Friday 29 July 2011 6:05

matchy matchyy

By johnts03 | 8

#801897 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:14

looks like he got caught in the dreaded sock gap. he really should have known better.

jobobo | 0

#802117 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 14:43

the sock gap theory is alive and well

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

remy_xi | 0

#802572 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 19:56

Sexy ones.

xDarkComeSoonX | 0

#802885 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:57

I do. I want rainbow ones.

HeresReality | 0

#803204 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:12

anyting knee high on guys or girls is just not sexy. same deal with socks

zeddeiram | 0

#2866183 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:16

i disagree sir. my girlfriends police uniform consists of kneehigh leather stillettos.

JayJaysGirl | 0

#4041608 - Thursday 16 February 2012 5:14

Sorry to break it to you..your girlfriends might be a prostitute..just saying

2nd | 20

#6345720 - Thursday 9 July 2015 21:32

or it was a sexual roleplay scenario.

marigoldcobain | 21

#6373451 - Thursday 6 August 2015 23:10

I like it when guys wear knee socks honestly…

Hempseed | 23

#7722296 - Monday 12 November 2018 19:34

How exactly does the fact that someone enjoys dressing up in a cop uniform make them a prostitute?

You must be pretty vanilla in bed if that's all it takes for you to consider someone a prostitute.