Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me....

By DuChaillu - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

Sounds like a scam

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my husband gave me an ultimatum - choose him or my male best friend. I chose my husband. My husband then admitted to me that he was hoping I would choose my best friend so he would have an excuse to leave me and wouldn't have to tell me he's been cheating on me. FML

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By BloodyNoseMcgee

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

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By liu_kang - United States

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

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By horrible daughter - United States - Santee

Today, I was feeling guilty about an argument I had with my mother right before she left to go shopping. When she got back, I ran to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over and broke her new $200 vase. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By Kali - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. They spent five minutes explaining job duties and I listened with anticipation. Then they spent five minutes explaining why I wasn't the right person for the job. FML

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By Trapped - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

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By ksmith - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

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By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

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By alucas3 - United States

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Desperate nan

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

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By Arachnofail - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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By ydahs - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By Bittersweet

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By daisythebunny1988

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By ThanksForTheWarningDad - United States - Wood River

Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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By Smile No More

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

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By Kika - France

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

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By Krazydude1000

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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By myl1f3isfuct - United States

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By Timmay - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

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By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By other woman - United States - Riverside

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend jokingly talks about his other girlfriend, he isn't actually joking. FML

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By fuck you, gran - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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By mala_19 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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By FractalSanity - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

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Top comments

By irsmeagol | 0

#801916 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:22

At least he matched.

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

COMMENTS

By azurablade | 0

#801890 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:12

lol

ps2stony | 0

#802034 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 13:41

are you trying to say something about zebra lingerie and/or knee socks?

GameDub | 0

#803750 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:03

lmao that sounds kinda not attractive
nohomo.

xlostwithoutu | 0

#803849 - Thursday 28 January 2010 4:39

Lol, zebra knee socks have the word "sexy" written all over them .... not really, but ok... lmao XD

bubbub617 | 0

#811548 - Sunday 31 January 2010 5:04

too bad the girl who was tied up with jizz on her face didnt have that on..

Yankeepunk | 0

#891086 - Thursday 25 February 2010 12:48

yea is it that he was weatring it? or was it that he left lol

AshleyTay | 0

#1016049 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 4:19

thats not very nice to laugh at him.

wintamint101 | 7

#2991362 - Friday 29 July 2011 6:05

matchy matchyy

By johnts03 | 8

#801897 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:14

looks like he got caught in the dreaded sock gap. he really should have known better.

jobobo | 0

#802117 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 14:43

the sock gap theory is alive and well

By CrazyZenlike | 2

#801905 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:16

Guys wear knee socks?

remy_xi | 0

#802572 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 19:56

Sexy ones.

xDarkComeSoonX | 0

#802885 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:57

I do. I want rainbow ones.

HeresReality | 0

#803204 - Thursday 28 January 2010 0:12

anyting knee high on guys or girls is just not sexy. same deal with socks

zeddeiram | 0

#2866183 - Monday 11 July 2011 11:16

i disagree sir. my girlfriends police uniform consists of kneehigh leather stillettos.

JayJaysGirl | 0

#4041608 - Thursday 16 February 2012 5:14

Sorry to break it to you..your girlfriends might be a prostitute..just saying

2nd | 20

#6345720 - Thursday 9 July 2015 21:32

or it was a sexual roleplay scenario.

marigoldcobain | 21

#6373451 - Thursday 6 August 2015 23:10

I like it when guys wear knee socks honestly…

Hempseed | 23

#7722296 - Monday 12 November 2018 19:34

How exactly does the fact that someone enjoys dressing up in a cop uniform make them a prostitute?

You must be pretty vanilla in bed if that's all it takes for you to consider someone a prostitute.