Work: Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always... - FML

By driven_crazy - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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Messed up

Dementia or hate? You decide

Co-parenting

By Anonymous

How shocking!

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 18:02 - United States - Cody

Seize the means

Today, I found out I'm getting a pay cut, a week after I told my boss I need a raise or second job just to afford bills. I made the company 10k last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Stinky

Today, I realized that my flatmate showers so little that the furniture she uses smells like BO. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was at Starbucks writing a paper, a man came and sat next to me. He started staring at me, then I noticed his hands were down his pants. It was noticeable that he was masturbating, so I went to tell a worker. They just said, "He's a regular" and didn't do anything about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

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By CantPublish - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

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By erianne

Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By continuouslyaddingdebt

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 17:02

Corporate ass

Today, I found out that my boss would rather give grant money back than give it to any of his employees as any sort of bonus for working through the pandemic. Two of us have worked for him for over 20 years. So much for loyalty I guess. FML

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By Depirama - France - Bron

Today, I confessed my love for the girl I like, on the forum she moderates. She responded by banning me. FML

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By rejected - United States - Milpitas

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

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By immy504 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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By Jen - 24/1/2021 13:58 - United States

Jealous?

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 08:00

WTF people?!

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

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By jackass - United States

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

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By Ryan746 - United States

Today, I asked a girl out and made plans to go see a movie. About 5 minutes in, I made a move to put my arm around her and smashed her in the face. FML

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By KatieElizabeth - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

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By Come on - United States

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Angry - United States

Today, I found a pair of women's underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. I confronted my boyfriend about it. They were his. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By me - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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By CathyMary - United States - New York

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML

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By speechless - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By ZeroApostle4Ever - United States

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

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By no - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my truck for the first time. While trying to unlock it, it started to rain. After half an hour, I successfully unlocked the door and then drove over my book bag, which I had placed underneath the car to keep it out of the rain. FML

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By megan - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

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Top comments

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

COMMENTS

By Mauskau | 35

#6143265 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:13

I don't even know how you could tolerate that. It'd drive me nuts, I'd just want to leave. Screaming babies are horrible in general, hearing it daily would be horrible.

Reply

Haggis300 | 25

#6143267 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:15

I think OP did that because she's warning herself of the dangers of not having her pills

Reply

Emmiii_fml | 18

#6143272 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:18

That's the whole point. The sound of the screaming baby will motivate her to not forget to take the pills :p

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143873 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:40

I think your boss is using it as a pre-Festivus party more than a pre-Christmas party. All he's missing is an aluminum pole on a stand. Let the airing of Grievances begin...

By PyroSam | 21

#6143269 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:16

Sounds like you're in for a festive firing.

By 2i1337i2iscore | 13

#6143277 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:23

Now that is Neuro-linguistic programming! Lol

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

Reply

IamHercules | 24

#6143424 - Saturday 13 December 2014 17:07

Or how the boss sounds :P

By aimzskee | 30

#6143293 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:43

Ah timing is a wonderful thing.

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

Reply

Deniika18 | 12

#6146480 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 4:25

I was thinking the same thing! Very smart :P I may just change my alarm now lol

By tygerarmy | 35

#6143300 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:54

Your boss must have been wondering why his whining was coming in stereo.

If I was there, when your alarm went off, I wouldn't have been able to contain my laughter.

By DARKDAY07 | 16

#6143308 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:03

Just tell them it's a wireless baby monitor and that you need to go check on the baby

By xxreikoxx | 31

#6143313 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:25

Please tell me your boss shut up and forgot about his rant, OP? I'd love to see a follow-up on this if possible! :D

By FuKcMee | 32

#6143335 - Saturday 13 December 2014 14:12

very appropriate ringtone lol