Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always... - FML

By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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Dangling modifier

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Deep-seated resentment

By Mito - 10/9/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By Infadel - 22/7/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By Turnaround - 7/11/2014 12:28

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 08:03 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Our House

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 08:26 - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2018 12:00

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

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By Rowaelin16 - 23/9/2016 03:31 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

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By hejdixjeln - 17/3/2013 10:25 - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By --- - 6/7/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, I finally built up the courage to quit my job. I waited an hour to speak to the boss; I finally sat down with her, and she told me I had to be let go because I'm not "reliable enough." The only time I missed work was when I had the stomach flu. I was fired before I could even quit. FML

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By thosedamnkids - 22/1/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 22:00

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By wtf mom?! - 6/4/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 22:00

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2011 03:23

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 05:04

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

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By oops - 31/12/2020 05:00

My chocolate

Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML

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By "MarchingNightmare" - 16/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Hendersonville

Today, I have had 4 nosebleeds. 4 of them, full-on, almost passing out nosebleeds. It's only noon. I think I need to see a doctor. FML

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By pass_the_tp - 13/1/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I was at the movie theatre. I went to the bathroom, and was about to wipe my butt when I realized that where the toilet-paper dispenser should have been, there was a large hole. The woman in the next stall waved. FML

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By irishbitch - 15/11/2009 07:51

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

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By manhood fading away - 25/12/2016 20:24 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

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By her mom raised her - 17/5/2014 17:30 - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

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By jdsksoapy - 30/3/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

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By 16seconds - 8/2/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By beya - 31/8/2009 22:05 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

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By slenderman908 - 10/12/2012 11:41 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

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By bestgirlfriend - 3/9/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

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By Rob - 7/11/2018 03:00

Today, I was in my bedroom with my boyfriend and we were kissing. My mom then came into my room and started shouting at my boyfriend for cheating on her. FML

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By unproud - 15/11/2013 07:05 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML

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By AwwChute - 21/2/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By Broke - 27/7/2016 16:38 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By carwife - 21/8/2010 04:13 - Canada

Today, at a family dinner, my new husband compared deciding to marry me to buying a used car. Some of the similarites included looking under the hood and finding out how many previous owners there were. FML

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By anonymous - 24/4/2012 18:18 - United States

Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML

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By andi0804 - 5/8/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 00:31 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML

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Top comments

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

COMMENTS

By Mauskau | 35

#6143265 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:13

I don't even know how you could tolerate that. It'd drive me nuts, I'd just want to leave. Screaming babies are horrible in general, hearing it daily would be horrible.

Reply

Haggis300 | 25

#6143267 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:15

I think OP did that because she's warning herself of the dangers of not having her pills

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Emmiii_fml | 18

#6143272 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:18

That's the whole point. The sound of the screaming baby will motivate her to not forget to take the pills :p

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143873 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:40

I think your boss is using it as a pre-Festivus party more than a pre-Christmas party. All he's missing is an aluminum pole on a stand. Let the airing of Grievances begin...

By PyroSam | 21

#6143269 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:16

Sounds like you're in for a festive firing.

By 2i1337i2iscore | 13

#6143277 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:23

Now that is Neuro-linguistic programming! Lol

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

Reply

IamHercules | 24

#6143424 - Saturday 13 December 2014 17:07

Or how the boss sounds :P

By aimzskee | 30

#6143293 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:43

Ah timing is a wonderful thing.

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

Reply

Deniika18 | 12

#6146480 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 4:25

I was thinking the same thing! Very smart :P I may just change my alarm now lol

By tygerarmy | 35

#6143300 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:54

Your boss must have been wondering why his whining was coming in stereo.

If I was there, when your alarm went off, I wouldn't have been able to contain my laughter.

By DARKDAY07 | 16

#6143308 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:03

Just tell them it's a wireless baby monitor and that you need to go check on the baby

By xxreikoxx | 31

#6143313 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:25

Please tell me your boss shut up and forgot about his rant, OP? I'd love to see a follow-up on this if possible! :D

By FuKcMee | 32

#6143335 - Saturday 13 December 2014 14:12

very appropriate ringtone lol