Work: Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always... - FML

By driven_crazy - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

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By OptMouse - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By j.b. - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

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By Jacqueline - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

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By "Sarah Ellsberry"

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By Lonesome - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By saywhat - United States

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Megz - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By Beantown girl - United States

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

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By Uhohwemadeamistake

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a fork hit me in the eye. I was holding it. I didn't even get to eat my chicken. FML

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By kelizabeth - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

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By poor baby - Germany

Today, my boyfriend forgot to pick our son up from daycare. His excuse? Fighting in a battle in World of Warcraft was far more important and he had to stay absolutely focused. Our son had to wait for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML

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By Roma - United States - Chevy Chase

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

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By Jason199615 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

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By Michael - 20/3/2021 05:02 - United States - Lincoln

Food for thought

Today, while assisting my 2 year-old with potty training, she stuck her hand in her own poop, and when I wasn't expecting it, put her fingers in my mouth. Ever wondered what a green blowout tastes like? I don't have to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

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By where's the epipen - United States - Tampa

Today, I accidentally stepped on a dead bee. The stinger was still intact. How do I know? It stung my foot. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my 3 year old son in the doctors office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML

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By clumsylobster - Australia - Perth

Today, my friends and I went paintballing. The instructor showed us the sound of an unloaded gun by shooting at my face. It wasn't unloaded. FML

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By King_of_Cha0s - United States - San Jose

Today, my PE teacher yelled at me for not trying hard enough in class. This my second week back after being in the hospital with a collapsed lung. FML

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By ???

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML

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By startingover - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

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By farmakakis - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

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By wellokthen - United States - Birmingham

Bed move

Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML

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By Rob - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local chinese restaurant with two of my friends. We were laughing hysterically when my friend tells me to stop making her laugh because she was going to puke, naturally I kept egging it on. She puked all over the table and I was laughing so hard that I peed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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Top comments

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

COMMENTS

By Mauskau | 35

#6143265 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:13

I don't even know how you could tolerate that. It'd drive me nuts, I'd just want to leave. Screaming babies are horrible in general, hearing it daily would be horrible.

Reply

Haggis300 | 25

#6143267 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:15

I think OP did that because she's warning herself of the dangers of not having her pills

Reply

Emmiii_fml | 18

#6143272 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:18

That's the whole point. The sound of the screaming baby will motivate her to not forget to take the pills :p

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143873 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:40

I think your boss is using it as a pre-Festivus party more than a pre-Christmas party. All he's missing is an aluminum pole on a stand. Let the airing of Grievances begin...

By PyroSam | 21

#6143269 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:16

Sounds like you're in for a festive firing.

By 2i1337i2iscore | 13

#6143277 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:23

Now that is Neuro-linguistic programming! Lol

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6143279 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:31

That obnoxious screaming child sound must be directly proportional to how everyone is feeling on the inside during the rants hahaha

Reply

IamHercules | 24

#6143424 - Saturday 13 December 2014 17:07

Or how the boss sounds :P

By aimzskee | 30

#6143293 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:43

Ah timing is a wonderful thing.

By patrickeli | 15

#6143299 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:53

Hearing the painful scream of a baby is a good way to scare you into taking your birth control on time, though. Creative.

Reply

Deniika18 | 12

#6146480 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 4:25

I was thinking the same thing! Very smart :P I may just change my alarm now lol

By tygerarmy | 35

#6143300 - Saturday 13 December 2014 12:54

Your boss must have been wondering why his whining was coming in stereo.

If I was there, when your alarm went off, I wouldn't have been able to contain my laughter.

By DARKDAY07 | 16

#6143308 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:03

Just tell them it's a wireless baby monitor and that you need to go check on the baby

By xxreikoxx | 31

#6143313 - Saturday 13 December 2014 13:25

Please tell me your boss shut up and forgot about his rant, OP? I'd love to see a follow-up on this if possible! :D

By FuKcMee | 32

#6143335 - Saturday 13 December 2014 14:12

very appropriate ringtone lol