Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting...

By unhappyelf - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

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Work

Season finale

And today, on Dr Phil…

Family values

Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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By blocked_by_fire - United States - Pullman

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was holding my 3 year old brother, and apparently he thinks it's hilarious to pull my tank top down and scream ''BOOBS!'' in public. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By PleaseDontHateMe - Canada - Stony Plain

Today, I tried to impress a girl by draping my arm over the back of her chair. I ended up elbowing her in the nose. FML

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By Oops - United States - Portland

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

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By UGH - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

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By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By justhatelife - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back, where I work, and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

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By fieldmarshalclitter - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

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By jlong9071 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML

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By Welp

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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By grampsisgay - United States

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

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By tammylauraine - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By LennyComa

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

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By m2k - Canada

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

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By Mylifesintatterssendhelp

Today, I went to a tattoo artist to get what I thought would be really cute, elegant finger tattoos. I left with wobbly, blobby messes all over my fingers. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 02:00

Killing in the name of

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

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By FunFun in the Sun - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

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By husks

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was wearing cheap new black underwear, and some of its fibers had stuck themselves to my knob, making it look like a weird fleshy caterpillar. I didn't get lucky. FML

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By BrianP - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

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By MoMoneyMoProblems - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I managed to get a €5 note tangled in the zip on my purse. I couldn't open it without ripping it to shreds. FML

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By Huge A Hole - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By WTF

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

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By LucidNightmare - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

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By ThunderThighs - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 05:01

Munchausen by proxy

Today, I was just told by a hiring manager that the reasons I'm not getting interviews is because I have a spotty work history. My work history is spotty because my mother ignores my food allergies so she can get attention and, as a result, I'm chronically ill. FML

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By alainopotato - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

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4395

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By royalscenery - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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Top comments

By ReinaJay | 13

#3587294 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

By holybuckets | 0

#3587307 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

COMMENTS

By indistructo | 3

#3587287 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:48

your boss is CRAZY as shit

mlb58 | 0

#3587425 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:16

Hear those sleigh bella ring-a-ling ting ting tinklin...

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3587429 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:17

Seriously. Think how must awkward that be, considering most people try to be quiet when peeing in public.

RetardedBullFrog | 4

#3587443 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:20

Time to rock the jingle while you tingle!

npnptracking | 7

#3588065 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:19

Well at least it's Christmas he's making you celebrate and not Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or something ;)

hinchkongfang | 0

#3588181 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:02

You tinkle while you tinkle!!

Checker | 20

#3588193 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:05

Why is Christmas the superior, 60?

Moonsorrow_fml | 0

#3588200 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:06

60 is obviously one of "those" christians.

OriginalimoaN | 15

#3588204 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:08

And what exactly is wrong with those holidays? Celebrating Hannukah entails eating a shit ton of fried foods!

leogirl95 | 12

#3588208 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:10

It's Christmas...we're all in misery. (From Christmas Vacation)

Checker | 20

#3588213 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:11

My conclusion: He's an asshole... Am I allowed to say that?

Lenho | 26

#3589354 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:10

#60 Why didn't you include Robanukah?

alsnyder12 | 0

#3590483 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 22:37

Cleverly worded

By ReinaJay | 13

#3587294 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

EvilPotato | 14

#3587928 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Maybe not everyone, but OP's boss apparently does.

juliahockey | 0

#3587931 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Here in Canada, it already passed! Next holiday is christmas.

harbqll | 0

#3588096 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:29

Who says you can't have two months of Christmas, AND do Thanksgiving? Don't be such a Scrooge.

cjguthrie | 8

#3588158 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:54

No to my family thanksgiving is huge in our family same with Easter and stuff pike that but we all are big into civil rights and our religion of christianity

cjguthrie | 8

#3588165 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:56

(like)

Cmdr_Shepard | 17

#3588459 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:02

How can we forget about Thanksgiving? The day after that is Black Friday! :D But seriously, unless you're selling turkeys, you're not gonna care about Thanksgiving. Christmas is what makes all the money.

shannonreneee | 11

#3592397 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:43

Not everyone celebrates thanks giving

By holybuckets | 0

#3587307 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

RMRaidersNumbah3 | 0

#3587993 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:59

so im not the only one

MLK12345 | 4

#3588305 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:42

I miss Michael;(

By ceilingfans | 1

#3587312 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

Your boss is awesome. Don't argue.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3587395 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:09

Christmas is awesome. The boss is just trying to keep it alive because let's be serious, as you get older, Christmas just isn't the same...

419 | 0

#3587649 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 3:27

Wonder if he listens to Justin Bieber... That could have gotten him into the Christmas spirit.

tysen97 | 0

#3587811 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:14

Omg fucking mistletoe shit!

darkflight | 3

#3610534 - Sunday 20 November 2011 16:31

Op's boss is like my mom.

By palahniukpaul | 6

#3587327 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:53

Could be worse...

FYLDeep | 25

#3587338 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

Anyone who's ever worked retail knows that the holiday mood isn't a good mood.

By upyourzlolz | 11

#3587329 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

I think it's worse when the christmas theme stays till February.

zombicidal | 11

#3587399 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:10

reminds me of scrubs JD breaks up with a girl for singing Christmas carols in summer. (IT WAS AUGUST THE WEATHER WAS FAR FROM FRIGHTFUL!)

By substitutes | 0

#3587335 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

That's the jingle bell
Rockk

chickenwalrus | 14

#3588122 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:41

Can't tingle without a jingle

By bad_chiquita | 5

#3587344 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:55

That last line made me LMAO!!!

Youdrongo | 0

#3587850 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:22

This comment made me F.A.C.E.P.A.L.M!

By CalCommando | 6

#3587349 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:56

It's never too early to spread holiday cheer! Fuck, who am I kidding, I hate people like your boss.

rattusrattus | 18

#3587449 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:22

Christmas cheer starts on the 1st December. It must be gone by 12th January. Otherwise I get the opposite of cheery. The homicidal opposite.

By waycool | 10

#3587361 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:59

I would prefer 'tinkling' to a jingle than hearing plops from a cubicle!

foodlord | 5

#3588501 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:31

Female boss?