Work: Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 50

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 991

14/11/2011 21:53

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 847

You deserved it 2 717

Our house, in the middle of our street

Nothing honey, nothing

Masked Singer

26/09/2012 22:54

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 447

You deserved it 4 175

26/09/2018 23:00

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 912

You deserved it 205

18/05/2009 20:43

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early Birthday present. With straight faces, they look at me and say: "we signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it take a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 150

You deserved it 5 761

26/08/2014 07:48

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 253

You deserved it 4 066

Ouch.

By Zaak - 25/03/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 523

You deserved it 6 450

10/08/2014 16:42

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 959

You deserved it 7 140

07/10/2016 12:51

Today, in an effort to be more active, I jumped out of bed ready for a morning jog. Or, that was the plan. Instead, I twisted my knee so badly standing up, it's now locked, and I can't move it. So much for activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 882

You deserved it 1 320

13/09/2016 21:12

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 493

You deserved it 1 163

12/01/2013 06:36

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 868

You deserved it 10 215

07/02/2011 19:51

Spicy

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 849

You deserved it 4 698

12/05/2013 17:21

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 896

You deserved it 4 252

14/10/2013 10:38

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 023

You deserved it 3 370

14/10/2015 13:45

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 662

You deserved it 3 405

Perv'

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 166

25/01/2012 06:32

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 848

You deserved it 6 656

08/11/2016 06:05

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 560

You deserved it 1 422

23/05/2012 06:13

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 326

You deserved it 2 129

29/02/2012 10:07

Spicy

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 518

You deserved it 49 234

23/11/2016 19:41

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 443

You deserved it 1 051

15/02/2010 18:40

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 229

You deserved it 4 182

15/04/2014 06:04

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 278

You deserved it 11 263

06/11/2018 14:00

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 398

You deserved it 180

20/04/2015 18:06

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 262

You deserved it 3 605

Where d'you come from?

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 23:01

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 113

20/02/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 169

01/12/2010 08:30

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 706

You deserved it 3 715

10/08/2009 20:47

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 173

You deserved it 4 141

15/01/2016 06:57

Today, one of the kids at the daycare center I work at was so excited at the fact that his constipation was over, he felt the need to bring me his fecal matter, in his hands, to show me. Guess who had to clean up the aftermath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 881

You deserved it 1 764

04/02/2018 19:00

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 810

You deserved it 355

04/10/2016 11:03

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 14 491

You deserved it 1 332

23/01/2009 08:36

Spicy

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 537

You deserved it 13 330

25/07/2009 16:39

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 114

You deserved it 28 605

Keep your nose out of my life

By maggie - 24/05/2021 04:00

Today, while buying laxatives and really hoping the cashier wouldn’t make some snarky comment, the cashier said, "You know, that’s not a good way to lose weight." I had to explain to him that I’m actually constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 61

01/04/2015 07:40

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 405

You deserved it 5 334

16/05/2014 02:34

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 436

You deserved it 18 381

25/11/2011 06:13

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 400

You deserved it 4 549

17/11/2013 19:11

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 355

You deserved it 4 482

19/04/2011 08:23

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 3 711

23/06/2012 16:59

Today, I stepped out for some fresh air while I waited for my clothes to dry at the laundromat. Just as I was retrieving my clothes, a disheveled-looking kid staggered over, pushed me aside, and started vomiting his guts out all over my fresh clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 099

You deserved it 1 952

09/03/2009 21:02

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 151

You deserved it 3 278

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

Comments

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:48

your boss is CRAZY as shit

mlb58 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:16

Hear those sleigh bella ring-a-ling ting ting tinklin...

xosportsgirl14x 8

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:17

Seriously. Think how must awkward that be, considering most people try to be quiet when peeing in public.

RetardedBullFrog 4

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:20

Time to rock the jingle while you tingle!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:19

Well at least it's Christmas he's making you celebrate and not Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or something ;)

hinchkongfang 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:02

You tinkle while you tinkle!!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:05

Why is Christmas the superior, 60?

Moonsorrow_fml 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:06

60 is obviously one of "those" christians.

OriginalimoaN 15

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:08

And what exactly is wrong with those holidays? Celebrating Hannukah entails eating a shit ton of fried foods!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:10

It's Christmas...we're all in misery. (From Christmas Vacation)

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:11

My conclusion: He's an asshole... Am I allowed to say that?

Lenho 26

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:10

#60 Why didn't you include Robanukah?

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 22:37

Cleverly worded

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Maybe not everyone, but OP's boss apparently does.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Here in Canada, it already passed! Next holiday is christmas.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:29

Who says you can't have two months of Christmas, AND do Thanksgiving? Don't be such a Scrooge.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:54

No to my family thanksgiving is huge in our family same with Easter and stuff pike that but we all are big into civil rights and our religion of christianity

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:56

(like)

Cmdr_Shepard 17

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:02

How can we forget about Thanksgiving? The day after that is Black Friday! :D But seriously, unless you're selling turkeys, you're not gonna care about Thanksgiving. Christmas is what makes all the money.

shannonreneee 11

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Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:43

Not everyone celebrates thanks giving

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

RMRaidersNumbah3 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:59

so im not the only one

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:42

I miss Michael;(

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

Your boss is awesome. Don't argue.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:09

Christmas is awesome. The boss is just trying to keep it alive because let's be serious, as you get older, Christmas just isn't the same...

419 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 3:27

Wonder if he listens to Justin Bieber... That could have gotten him into the Christmas spirit.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:14

Omg fucking mistletoe shit!

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Sunday 20 November 2011 16:31

Op's boss is like my mom.

palahniukpaul 6

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:53

Could be worse...

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

Anyone who's ever worked retail knows that the holiday mood isn't a good mood.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

I think it's worse when the christmas theme stays till February.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:10

reminds me of scrubs JD breaks up with a girl for singing Christmas carols in summer. (IT WAS AUGUST THE WEATHER WAS FAR FROM FRIGHTFUL!)

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

That's the jingle bell Rockk

chickenwalrus 14

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:41

Can't tingle without a jingle

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:55

That last line made me LMAO!!!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:22

This comment made me F.A.C.E.P.A.L.M!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:56

It's never too early to spread holiday cheer! Fuck, who am I kidding, I hate people like your boss.

rattusrattus 18

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:22

Christmas cheer starts on the 1st December. It must be gone by 12th January. Otherwise I get the opposite of cheery. The homicidal opposite.

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:59

I would prefer 'tinkling' to a jingle than hearing plops from a cubicle!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:31

Female boss?