Work: Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting...

By unhappyelf - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Considerate

Sharing is caring

By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By broke

Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML

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By tacolove69 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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By halitosis - United States - Compton

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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By Chipper

Today, my girlfriend and I were laying in bed. She rolled over and began rubbing my chest. She then said, "Wow babe those are a solid B-cup." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

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By BrokenHearted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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By Patrick - 29/10/2020 03:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Couva

What?

Today, my coworker got a raise by making our boss give me a pay cut for doing his job while he was slacking off. As we were heading home for the day, he found $100. FML

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By tracelee - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

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By yollew - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

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By Ihatepants - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

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By ShellShocked - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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By -__- - Australia

Today, I think my dad has finally lost his shit and is having a mid-life crisis. He showed up at my school and had me brought to the front desk. He told me to get in the car because we were going to have some "father-daughter bonding". This meant us watching Silent Hill with his work buddies. FML

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By Come on - United States

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By adalia - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I have been trying to buy a house and start a family together. Now I find out that he just spent $5000 on comic books. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

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By silenceisgolden - 23/3/2020 01:39

Train guy

Today, a guy on the train was using his phone really loudly, asking Siri to call a bunch of people, or using voice command to do the most menial things. He was really, really noisy. It's only after I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to be quieter that I noticed the white cane next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

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By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By Miss_Whipped - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 02:02

Heartbreaking

Today, I ran into a childhood friend for the first time in years. It turned out her mother died of COVID a few days ago. It was heartbreaking to see her close to tears all the time we talked, but due to distancing I couldn't even hug her to make her feel better. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

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By youmakemesick - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

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By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Thermoregulation wars

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By jc2011 - Australia

Today, after months of grueling training and countless early mornings, I finally began the race I had been preparing for over the past year, only to slip and break my leg in the first 450 meters. FML

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By shelby124 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

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By Theo - United States

Today, I came home to find my room completely torn apart. My mom and dad start yelling at me asking me why I am doing drugs because she found a tiny baggie on the floor. It was the little bag that spare buttons come in when you buy a dress shirt. FML

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By Birthday girl - United States - Wahpeton

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

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By aquagoddess

Today, I used the last of my money to buy a bag of vending machine chips for dinner. It got stuck. A passerby saw and generously offered to buy another bag of the same chips to dislodge it. Gratefully, I accepted his offer. It stayed stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 02:03

Ouch

Today, while brushing my teeth half asleep, I stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush, toothpaste included. FML

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Top comments

By ReinaJay | 13

#3587294 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

By holybuckets | 0

#3587307 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

COMMENTS

By indistructo | 3

#3587287 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:48

your boss is CRAZY as shit

mlb58 | 0

#3587425 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:16

Hear those sleigh bella ring-a-ling ting ting tinklin...

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3587429 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:17

Seriously. Think how must awkward that be, considering most people try to be quiet when peeing in public.

RetardedBullFrog | 4

#3587443 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:20

Time to rock the jingle while you tingle!

npnptracking | 7

#3588065 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:19

Well at least it's Christmas he's making you celebrate and not Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or something ;)

hinchkongfang | 0

#3588181 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:02

You tinkle while you tinkle!!

Checker | 20

#3588193 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:05

Why is Christmas the superior, 60?

Moonsorrow_fml | 0

#3588200 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:06

60 is obviously one of "those" christians.

OriginalimoaN | 15

#3588204 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:08

And what exactly is wrong with those holidays? Celebrating Hannukah entails eating a shit ton of fried foods!

leogirl95 | 12

#3588208 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:10

It's Christmas...we're all in misery. (From Christmas Vacation)

Checker | 20

#3588213 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:11

My conclusion: He's an asshole... Am I allowed to say that?

Lenho | 26

#3589354 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 17:10

#60 Why didn't you include Robanukah?

alsnyder12 | 0

#3590483 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 22:37

Cleverly worded

By ReinaJay | 13

#3587294 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:49

Does everyone just forget about Thanksgiving?

EvilPotato | 14

#3587928 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Maybe not everyone, but OP's boss apparently does.

juliahockey | 0

#3587931 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:37

Here in Canada, it already passed! Next holiday is christmas.

harbqll | 0

#3588096 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:29

Who says you can't have two months of Christmas, AND do Thanksgiving? Don't be such a Scrooge.

cjguthrie | 8

#3588158 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:54

No to my family thanksgiving is huge in our family same with Easter and stuff pike that but we all are big into civil rights and our religion of christianity

cjguthrie | 8

#3588165 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:56

(like)

Cmdr_Shepard | 17

#3588459 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:02

How can we forget about Thanksgiving? The day after that is Black Friday! :D But seriously, unless you're selling turkeys, you're not gonna care about Thanksgiving. Christmas is what makes all the money.

shannonreneee | 11

#3592397 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:43

Not everyone celebrates thanks giving

By holybuckets | 0

#3587307 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

I totally though of Micheal from The Office when I read this. :)

RMRaidersNumbah3 | 0

#3587993 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:59

so im not the only one

MLK12345 | 4

#3588305 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 6:42

I miss Michael;(

By ceilingfans | 1

#3587312 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:52

Your boss is awesome. Don't argue.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3587395 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:09

Christmas is awesome. The boss is just trying to keep it alive because let's be serious, as you get older, Christmas just isn't the same...

419 | 0

#3587649 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 3:27

Wonder if he listens to Justin Bieber... That could have gotten him into the Christmas spirit.

tysen97 | 0

#3587811 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:14

Omg fucking mistletoe shit!

darkflight | 3

#3610534 - Sunday 20 November 2011 16:31

Op's boss is like my mom.

By palahniukpaul | 6

#3587327 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:53

Could be worse...

FYLDeep | 25

#3587338 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

Anyone who's ever worked retail knows that the holiday mood isn't a good mood.

By upyourzlolz | 11

#3587329 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

I think it's worse when the christmas theme stays till February.

zombicidal | 11

#3587399 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:10

reminds me of scrubs JD breaks up with a girl for singing Christmas carols in summer. (IT WAS AUGUST THE WEATHER WAS FAR FROM FRIGHTFUL!)

By substitutes | 0

#3587335 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:54

That's the jingle bell
Rockk

chickenwalrus | 14

#3588122 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:41

Can't tingle without a jingle

By bad_chiquita | 5

#3587344 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:55

That last line made me LMAO!!!

Youdrongo | 0

#3587850 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 4:22

This comment made me F.A.C.E.P.A.L.M!

By CalCommando | 6

#3587349 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:56

It's never too early to spread holiday cheer! Fuck, who am I kidding, I hate people like your boss.

rattusrattus | 18

#3587449 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:22

Christmas cheer starts on the 1st December. It must be gone by 12th January. Otherwise I get the opposite of cheery. The homicidal opposite.

By waycool | 10

#3587361 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:59

I would prefer 'tinkling' to a jingle than hearing plops from a cubicle!

foodlord | 5

#3588501 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 8:31

Female boss?