Work: Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated...

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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Work

Dangling modifier

Season finale

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By kodijack - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By satanlovesme - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By Jioune - France - Caluire

Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML

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By :O - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my brother in law brought a dead rabbit to my nephew saying, "I found the Easter Bunny!" My nephew started crying hours ago and hasn't stopped. FML

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By roobb - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

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By ManchotDesAndes - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

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By shit - United States - South Holland

Today, my sister was taking forever in the bathroom, and I jokingly threatened to kick down the door. I rammed into it, and it actually bust almost off its hinges. My sister screamed and our parents came running. Now I'm grounded forever and our bathroom has no door. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - Canada - Barrie

Pile up

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 05:02

#1 Dad of the day

Today, according to my husband, our son is at the difficult age where he can finally speak fluent English, but is still too childishly dumb to say anything interesting, intelligent or frankly worth listening to at all. There are times I wish I was a divorced single mum. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

What a coinkydink

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

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By ohshittttttt - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrote "I love you" on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She completely freaked out and accused me of being "too clingy" and that I'm starting to feel more like a stalker than a boyfriend. FML

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By r u kidding me? - 9/6/2020 20:00

Whatthefuckaburger

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

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By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 08:00

Frustrated

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

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By foreverbrown - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

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By RyanM - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By Cheap N Happy - United States

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

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By Notyourstepmom - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

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By Murphy’s Christmas

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

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By seriously wtf - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Jinx - United Kingdom - Dorchester

Today, I got a stern talking-to from the police about threatening and harassing people. Who had called them? None other than my stalker, whom I'd just informed about the restraining order I was filing against him after finding him in my house. For the second time. FML

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By Tbelle

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

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By Dafuq happen there - South Africa

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

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By IceWrath - United Kingdom - York

Today, my elderly dad learned how to use Facebook. He now spends most of his time messaging me about his meals, his bowel movements and his foot fungus. He's now learning how to use Skype. FML

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By icy - United States - Prairieville

Not fair!

Today, I finally got a cable box for my TV. When I was connecting the cable, my tv fell and shattered the screen. FML

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By Anonymous

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

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By dumbbus - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

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By dieana - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words: "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

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Top comments

By flamemlk | 0

#534126 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:37

Today, I kept calling my employee. She wouldn't pick up. the last time she actually picked up and started yelling foul language. I was just trying to find out why she was taking her day off a day early. FML

By yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534090 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:24

LMAO LMAO LMAO. next time read before pushing :)

COMMENTS

By yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534090 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:24

LMAO LMAO LMAO. next time read before pushing :)

suaveneanderthal | 0

#534132 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:38

Honestly it all could of been avoided if you hadn't of eaten at that dairy queen two days ago.

yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534578 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 20:02

lol wtf does dairy queen have to do with my comment or the OP'S?

mochiko | 0

#535390 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:27

HOW IS THIS ANYTHING BUT A YDI?

yonika_babyyeah | 0

#535620 - Thursday 3 September 2009 2:56

lol wow..

Cjw1220 | 0

#1111642 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:12

Or slapped that polar bear with a can of French onion dip...

By II_OJs_glove_II | 0

#534098 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:27

good luck finding a new job

By ohmyword08 | 0

#534100 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:30

ahaha, that suucks.

By Intoxicunt | 5

#534103 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:31

Happy job hunting.

By Squirrellord911 | 0

#534104 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:32

fun

By Th217 | 2

#534117 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:35

dumbass. shouldn'ta even touched the phone ass

By untalented1 | 0

#534118 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:35

why not blame it on your dog at least?
pretend you were yelling at your dog...
or ask the question, "who was phone?"
anyway, ydi for having trying to take it out on a poor innocent phone.