Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated...

By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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Work

Serious times

Inspirational tale

QAnon weirdoes

By tbeemcgeebee - 1/8/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By BathroomDweller - 20/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I'm recovering from a urinary tract infection. The infection made me have to pee constantly. Now the antibiotics I'm taking for it are giving me the shits instead. FML

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By GodDamnFan - 27/5/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 00:38 - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By Kortnie Peterman - 6/6/2020 17:03

Body positivity

Today, after 3 months of my boyfriend complaining his weight is making him not want sex, I suggested we go for a walk to help us both start to lose weight. He looked at me and said, "You're too fat to go walking." I'm beginning to think my weight is the problem here, not his. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 03:01 - United States

Today, I went to the park with my friend and we decided to swing. While we were swinging, we decided to jump off backwards. All would have worked out fine if my pants hadn't gotten caught on the metal of the swing, leaving my bare butt exposed. The man who was in the park with his daughter left. FML

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By mylifeisamovie - 28/2/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, I woke up to a tap on my shoulder and had no idea where I was. I quickly discovered It was 11 am and I was still at the bar I had been drinking at the night before. My shoes were gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 16:45 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, someone took my flatscreen TV at my garage sale because some kid snuck a "free" label onto it. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By Lamediseased - 29/9/2016 15:07 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 00:02 - Greece - Thessaloniki

On the beat

Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML

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By leapple - 14/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

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By fired tomoz - 29/10/2014 15:46 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

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By hlev24 - 3/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 05:35 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

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By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

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By Vlad - 24/12/2018 14:00

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

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By reckless182 - 27/7/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By MBC - 22/2/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

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By embarrassed4life - 25/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

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By Username - 9/6/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2014 01:27 - United States - Gournay-sur-marne

Today, I went to see the school counselor to schedule my classes for school. She asked me if I knew how to speak English. My parents are Chinese and I don't even know how to speak Chinese. I've lived in America my whole life. Plus, I even spoke to her in English to ask about classes. FML

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By lol123 - 10/7/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

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By jxfc - 7/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

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By Mayabie - 16/10/2011 21:08 - France

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

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By luceeloo - 23/11/2016 22:10

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By freckleboy422 - 31/1/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 15:32 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend did the washing as an attempt to help me. Not only are all my clothes now pink, he refuses to do the dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, ironing etc., as he has done "plenty." FML

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By Person - 7/6/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By Username - 6/11/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 04:00

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By fluke - 19/9/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I tried to stop a teenage boy from entering the woman's bathroom. When he argued with me I had him thrown out. Turns out, according to their parents and driver's license, it was a girl. FML

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By codizzy - 18/8/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

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By racist - 15/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

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By too slow - 18/1/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

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By fluent in two, unlike you - 25/3/2014 18:42 - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

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By Stewtato - 12/7/2019 22:30

Today, a bat flew into my house. We locked it in my brother's room, complete with cats, and just barely got it back outside alive. We later found out it was an endangered species, so we also narrowly avoided arrest. FML

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Top comments

By flamemlk | 0

#534126 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:37

Today, I kept calling my employee. She wouldn't pick up. the last time she actually picked up and started yelling foul language. I was just trying to find out why she was taking her day off a day early. FML

By yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534090 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:24

LMAO LMAO LMAO. next time read before pushing :)

COMMENTS

By yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534090 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:24

LMAO LMAO LMAO. next time read before pushing :)

suaveneanderthal | 0

#534132 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:38

Honestly it all could of been avoided if you hadn't of eaten at that dairy queen two days ago.

yonika_babyyeah | 0

#534578 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 20:02

lol wtf does dairy queen have to do with my comment or the OP'S?

mochiko | 0

#535390 - Thursday 3 September 2009 1:27

HOW IS THIS ANYTHING BUT A YDI?

yonika_babyyeah | 0

#535620 - Thursday 3 September 2009 2:56

lol wow..

Cjw1220 | 0

#1111642 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:12

Or slapped that polar bear with a can of French onion dip...

By II_OJs_glove_II | 0

#534098 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:27

good luck finding a new job

By ohmyword08 | 0

#534100 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:30

ahaha, that suucks.

By Intoxicunt | 5

#534103 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:31

Happy job hunting.

By Squirrellord911 | 0

#534104 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:32

fun

By Th217 | 2

#534117 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:35

dumbass. shouldn'ta even touched the phone ass

By untalented1 | 0

#534118 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:35

why not blame it on your dog at least?
pretend you were yelling at your dog...
or ask the question, "who was phone?"
anyway, ydi for having trying to take it out on a poor innocent phone.