Kids: Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being...

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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Kids

Triage

Taking stock

Understanding

By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 20:06

Big boomer energy

Today, my father-in law-shared his opinion that autistic kids should be beaten until they act normal. He saw fit to share this while my autistic son was having a meltdown because my father-in-law came to the house without warning, and my son violently hates visitors without prior warning. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 02:00

Deception

Today, I found out my roommate has been cheating me out of hundreds of dollars when I finally obtained records of the past year's electric bills, which are in her name. FML

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By barman - Australia

Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Two remained unbroken. FML

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By AV - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

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By Paulie89

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

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By lovergirl - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

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By megan228 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By AmNot - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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By rukus - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By hockusa3 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By rachel - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By CollegeGirl - United States

Today, I did my laundry in my dorm. After dragging 2 hampers down 4 flights of stairs, my ID card with money on it was rejected. After dragging it back upstairs, I scrounged up enough quarters from friends. 30 minutes after finally starting my laundry, I realized I forgot to add detergent. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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By DroopyDog - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML

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By Hypocrite

Today, after giving my husband a ton of crap about the speeding ticket he got last year, I got a speeding ticket. FML

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By sn-511 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By doubletrouble - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally found a roommate after hopelessly looking for months. I was really anxious to meet the guy because I would most likely be spending a good amount of time with him. Who did my boyfriend end up picking as his new roommate? My ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

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By jessie - 16/12/2020 20:58 - United States - Denver

Armchair psychiatrist

Today, I was informed that I am, in fact, faking my depression. Why? Because I shower daily. FML

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By MrsCasillas - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Farah - Bangladesh

Today, I e-mailed an employer to ask about a job I had applied for earlier. The employer in question was on vacation. The person who replied had the position which I had applied for mentioned in their signature. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By Grrrreat - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By justsingle - Philippines

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Bobby - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while housesitting my neighbor's dogs the phone rang. I answered it and a voice said, "Stop checking your Facebook and take care of my dogs. They look like they need to go out." FML

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By Eric Forrest - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By scarred

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By so much for romance - United States - Queensbury

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

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By reyoflight - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

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Top comments

By junkman6 | 22

#5769256 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

The idea of an obese bully being tazered makes me extremely happy.

By Shleebs | 12

#5769248 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Shocking.

COMMENTS

By Shleebs | 12

#5769248 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Shocking.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5769390 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:09

And that's how he became the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5769473 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:22

Watt a buzz that must have been for your daughter.

ptoka | 20

#5769483 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:31

What did he do to spark such a reaction in your daughter?

addioty | 19

#5769557 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:14

Ah I moderated this. I'm curious as to how a 4 year old knew how to work it...

Chris93Jones | 20

#5769558 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:16

if you smellellellell what the chubs is cooking

154rct | 7

#5770498 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 21:24

*rimshot*

KingRay | 3

#5772719 - Saturday 30 November 2013 1:12

Punny

Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6496919 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 6:19

I got a buzz from the reading that one.

By BFons | 19

#5769251 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

wienerdog101 | 3

#5769311 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:49

Dude you're a tard

NotAddictive | 6

#5769312 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:49

I feel bad for your kids...

Kyuzomi | 12

#5769405 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:27

Medicine...? Wha...? So with your logic. Taser = medicine.

metalwolf | 17

#5769444 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 2:41

He must be referring to shocktarts as medicine

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5769479 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:27

cuz murder is the best answer to a bully

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5769538 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 4:56

#64 and #2 are related

Sitting_Ducki | 8

#5769544 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:01

Why???? He's a bully and I hope he got it in the balls lol

jazzy_123 | 20

#5769841 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 9:11

why would you taze your own daughter?

JustBeingAwesome | 22

#5769979 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 13:45

#100, he uh... He didn't.

JustBeingAwesome | 22

#5769981 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 13:49

#100, I read your comment wrong I'm sorry :p

cheaptrick2 | 4

#5771423 - Thursday 28 November 2013 20:00

*cough* CHILD ABUSE *Cough*

kc_bbg15 | 14

#5772454 - Friday 29 November 2013 19:46

You sir, are an idiot!

clever_name_here | 7

#5773787 - Sunday 1 December 2013 0:19

Did you read the whole FML or the last sentence?

By MateRicks | 18

#5769252 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

That must have been a shock

By itscare1217 | 13

#5769253 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:18

such an electrifying turn of events

By emirie | 21

#5769255 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

Where did she find your taser!?

jkmartinjk | 16

#5769700 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 6:46

I didn't know that people carry around tasers now... I better be careful out there.

Knightchaser27 | 25

#5770046 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 15:45

It was probably in OP's purse

ReignInBlood | 11

#5770145 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 17:37

The OP is a male, why would he have a purse?

peve3 | 12

#5770183 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 18:26

It's not a purse, it's a satchel!

Brightbulb | 39

#5770330 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 19:49

Every Doctor I know carries a taser. They get assaulted a lot

emirie | 21

#5771609 - Friday 29 November 2013 0:41

Its not a satchel, its a murse

By junkman6 | 22

#5769256 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

The idea of an obese bully being tazered makes me extremely happy.

Dawnstempest | 17

#5769288 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:30

Enough that you start shaking from joy?

\ | 28

#5769402 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:25

I was quaking in my boots...

jerryj | 27

#5769646 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 6:17

Especially if it's the obese bully from Ted. Boy does he deserve getting an "ouch".

lylotrezor | 20

#5769880 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 10:48

I don't think violence can be solved with even more violence.

Randomness90 | 27

#5770423 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 20:38

You and me both!

Samuel5463 | 12

#6203062 - Sunday 15 February 2015 6:22

Lol

By Gingy723 | 7

#5769257 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:20

That is awsome, props to ur daughter, hope u didnt get in to much trouble

By Nakoma_fml | 10

#5769258 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:20

That should teach him to "treat others how you want to be treated".

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5769263 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:21

I'm guessing she was defending herself from his bullying. good for her. you should be proud of her for being able to take care of herself

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5769341 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 0:17

Even if not it's still funny as fuck.

cakefete2 | 30

#5769494 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 4:02

Would have been even funnier if she screamed pikachuuuuuu, then shocked him.

SarcasticShade | 16

#5770838 - Thursday 28 November 2013 4:37

I guess it was Pikachu versus Snorlax 71.

By Insane94 | 17

#5769265 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:22

Shocking.

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5769286 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:29

Sorry mate. 1 beat you to it. Gotta be quicker on the draw.

Insane94 | 17

#5769318 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:55

I know, I realised straight after I posted...

LittleBastard | 20

#5769395 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:14

You had time to change it to something more witty. 120 seconds, to be exact.