Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being...

By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 19:05 - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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Kids

Abuse

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

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By Stiny - 1/6/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 04:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - 24/11/2016 00:23 - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 02:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend announced he has stopped wearing deodorant because he thinks his BO smells "manly." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2018 12:30 - United States - Missoula

Today, I found out that I was misdiagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago and instead have bipolar disorder. For the last 10 years I have been taking meds that helped me focus on my manic / depressive state. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 10:04 - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

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By budbunny13 - 30/6/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 02:00

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

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By Official_Person - 2/6/2010 21:31 - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

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By Becca_Jo - 6/1/2016 04:19 - United States - Caledonia

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 07:44 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I had to spend a few hours in a hospital with a toddler and a preschooler projecting vomit all over, because my husband thinks "expiration dates are for pussies." FML

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By DaoOfPow - 23/5/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

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By rejected - 28/7/2014 22:09 - United States - Milpitas

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

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By Smash_Mouth - 8/3/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

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By unwantedlove - 25/2/2011 18:36 - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

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By prince232 - 4/5/2016 04:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

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By Nik - 23/1/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

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By Vlad - 21/11/2018 13:30

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

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By Lucy - 6/3/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 18:54 - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 22:00

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

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By ashbeat - 1/1/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend when I really had to pee. I tried to get out of the aisle in a hurry so I wouldn't disturb anyone when I tripped, landing on the people in the row in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 17:18 - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

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By cek4uytp - 25/6/2011 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

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By MissAnonymous93 - 14/5/2016 15:32 - South Africa

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

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By Hungry - 3/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 20:55 - France - M?rignac

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

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By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/8/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

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By fannyfitel123 - 24/8/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

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By seadrick - 6/6/2015 16:19 - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

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By magicalDEATH - 19/1/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - 6/10/2012 20:29 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

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Top comments

By junkman6 | 22

#5769256 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

The idea of an obese bully being tazered makes me extremely happy.

By Shleebs | 12

#5769248 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Shocking.

COMMENTS

By Shleebs | 12

#5769248 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Shocking.

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5769390 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:09

And that's how he became the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5769473 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:22

Watt a buzz that must have been for your daughter.

ptoka | 20

#5769483 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:31

What did he do to spark such a reaction in your daughter?

addioty | 19

#5769557 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:14

Ah I moderated this. I'm curious as to how a 4 year old knew how to work it...

Chris93Jones | 20

#5769558 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:16

if you smellellellell what the chubs is cooking

154rct | 7

#5770498 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 21:24

*rimshot*

KingRay | 3

#5772719 - Saturday 30 November 2013 1:12

Punny

Tomato_Cheese | 22

#6496919 - Wednesday 30 December 2016 6:19

I got a buzz from the reading that one.

By BFons | 19

#5769251 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

wienerdog101 | 3

#5769311 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:49

Dude you're a tard

NotAddictive | 6

#5769312 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:49

I feel bad for your kids...

Kyuzomi | 12

#5769405 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:27

Medicine...? Wha...? So with your logic. Taser = medicine.

metalwolf | 17

#5769444 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 2:41

He must be referring to shocktarts as medicine

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5769479 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 3:27

cuz murder is the best answer to a bully

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5769538 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 4:56

#64 and #2 are related

Sitting_Ducki | 8

#5769544 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 5:01

Why???? He's a bully and I hope he got it in the balls lol

jazzy_123 | 20

#5769841 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 9:11

why would you taze your own daughter?

JustBeingAwesome | 22

#5769979 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 13:45

#100, he uh... He didn't.

JustBeingAwesome | 22

#5769981 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 13:49

#100, I read your comment wrong I'm sorry :p

cheaptrick2 | 4

#5771423 - Thursday 28 November 2013 20:00

*cough* CHILD ABUSE *Cough*

kc_bbg15 | 14

#5772454 - Friday 29 November 2013 19:46

You sir, are an idiot!

clever_name_here | 7

#5773787 - Sunday 1 December 2013 0:19

Did you read the whole FML or the last sentence?

By MateRicks | 18

#5769252 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:17

That must have been a shock

By itscare1217 | 13

#5769253 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:18

such an electrifying turn of events

By emirie | 21

#5769255 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

Where did she find your taser!?

jkmartinjk | 16

#5769700 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 6:46

I didn't know that people carry around tasers now... I better be careful out there.

Knightchaser27 | 25

#5770046 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 15:45

It was probably in OP's purse

ReignInBlood | 11

#5770145 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 17:37

The OP is a male, why would he have a purse?

peve3 | 12

#5770183 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 18:26

It's not a purse, it's a satchel!

Brightbulb | 39

#5770330 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 19:49

Every Doctor I know carries a taser. They get assaulted a lot

emirie | 21

#5771609 - Friday 29 November 2013 0:41

Its not a satchel, its a murse

By junkman6 | 22

#5769256 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:19

The idea of an obese bully being tazered makes me extremely happy.

Dawnstempest | 17

#5769288 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:30

Enough that you start shaking from joy?

\ | 28

#5769402 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:25

I was quaking in my boots...

jerryj | 27

#5769646 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 6:17

Especially if it's the obese bully from Ted. Boy does he deserve getting an "ouch".

lylotrezor | 20

#5769880 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 10:48

I don't think violence can be solved with even more violence.

Randomness90 | 27

#5770423 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 20:38

You and me both!

Samuel5463 | 12

#6203062 - Sunday 15 February 2015 6:22

Lol

By Gingy723 | 7

#5769257 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:20

That is awsome, props to ur daughter, hope u didnt get in to much trouble

By Nakoma_fml | 10

#5769258 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:20

That should teach him to "treat others how you want to be treated".

By jessBeAqueen | 13

#5769263 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:21

I'm guessing she was defending herself from his bullying. good for her. you should be proud of her for being able to take care of herself

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5769341 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 0:17

Even if not it's still funny as fuck.

cakefete2 | 30

#5769494 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 4:02

Would have been even funnier if she screamed pikachuuuuuu, then shocked him.

SarcasticShade | 16

#5770838 - Thursday 28 November 2013 4:37

I guess it was Pikachu versus Snorlax 71.

By Insane94 | 17

#5769265 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:22

Shocking.

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5769286 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:29

Sorry mate. 1 beat you to it. Gotta be quicker on the draw.

Insane94 | 17

#5769318 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 23:55

I know, I realised straight after I posted...

LittleBastard | 20

#5769395 - Wednesday 27 November 2013 1:14

You had time to change it to something more witty. 120 seconds, to be exact.