Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML
Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML
Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML
Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML
Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML
Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML
Today, I'm at odds with my fiancée because a drunk girl approached me at a Halloween party and complimented my costume. I barely acknowledged the woman and made polite small talk until she walked away. Apparently, I was too friendly and should have shooed the woman away rudely and immediately. FML
Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
alpaquette91 9
Punch your roommate! Make him/her suffer too!
Mass89 0
who else read this FML while doing a russian accent? :D
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (172)
papahugsmefunneh 2
In soviet Russia there is only tricking and no treating
theroustons 6
Wow your roommate sounds like a dick and welcome to America :)
mtaylor831 0
I had that happen to me when I was in Ukraine but he told me to say "I'm a dirty ****" to a 40 year old man.. I feel your pain
je_suis_fml 11
So, will everyone pose as a Russian to prove a point about OP's comprehension? Sheesh, is it even safe to state that it's possible that people understand things differently? "Even" in America throughout the different coasts (i.e. west, east, south, & north) there are different dialects, intonation, catchphrases, etc., which could portray a different tone/meaning of a variety of things said & done. Shit, what I'm saying is not all things said will be understood the same just because a few people are from the same ******* country. A country! Yea... I think that's what I'm saying.
UndeRgroUnd206 4
Is it bad I read that fml all in a Russian accent?
bobbyc7 0
In all fairness, by the way you write makes it seem like you have a pretty good grasp on the english language. IMO, you should at least have the common sense to figure out what that meant. Just sayin'
Scattertom 12
The FML moderators fix any grammar errors ಠ_ಠ
_words_of_wisdom 4
#124 thats not true, you are obviously ignorant when it comes to languages and cultures (i dont mean this as an insult). i am learning german (Ich lerne Deutsch) and i gotta say im pretty damn good at it so far but just because im good at the language doesnt mean that i would know their customs or their culture. for example, if it wasnt for Inglourious Basterds i wouldnt know that in Germany they use their thumb when they signal the number three. you could say "you are pretty good a speaking German, you should know that that's how they show the #3 or that they don't switch hands after cutting up a steak" my point being, just because he has a good grasp of the language doesnt mean he should know our culture or our customs.
IPoopedOnU 12
Sorry but that means your too ugly for anyone but your parents to love you
NE0NDRAG0N 0
I sense a soviet russia joke...
RKD 23
ya doomieyou eta horrosho govoreet!
dansco 25
funny but totally not nice! Make sure you get them back! Post their number on a S&M website or their photo on Craigslist asking for ugly fat men pics ;)