Love: Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier...

By Anonymous - 02/01/2015 22:14 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 029

You deserved it 10 212

Love

And yet you have phone? Curious Andy

Good morning

You big child

Ma'm, we closed 10 minutes ago

By Samantha - 19/11/2020 13:08 - United States - Kingsport

Today, I had a woman throw a clipboard and yell at me to then storm off, still yelling in the mall where I work, all because I'd told her it was too late to do a piercing tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 67

By feltuponthe69 - 08/07/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 634

You deserved it 10 438

By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 562

You deserved it 2 761

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 783

You deserved it 20 737

By GlassJAwkidE - 29/10/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 021

You deserved it 64 169

By u_n0_mE - 08/02/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 355

You deserved it 5 253

By Anonymous - 03/11/2018 14:00

Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 401

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 05/08/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 196

You deserved it 13 224

By wtf bro - 20/05/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 015

You deserved it 3 602

By LesToiliettes - 25/03/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 782

You deserved it 2 136

Monday morning blues

By desperate905 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 384

You deserved it 28 808

More reasons to stay at home

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my local pub has now closed so now the only bar within staggering distance of my house is an entertainment centre. So now, if I want to drink myself blotto, I can no longer do it in peace and quiet, I have to do it to the background noise of some cartoon monkey and 100 rotten kids screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 381

You deserved it 1 041

By Anonymous - 19/09/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 017

You deserved it 6 007

By KidCudi227 - 19/07/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 681

You deserved it 3 376

By Anonymous - 23/08/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 152

You deserved it 3 109

By kraziikayce - 26/12/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 751

You deserved it 3 752

RIP in peace

By katta2009 - 29/08/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 536

You deserved it 2 584

By bit - 30/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 468

You deserved it 64 297

By Anonymous - 18/07/2016 11:51 - Belgium

Today, my boss refused my resignation and acted like nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 044

You deserved it 1 158

By psd60 - 06/12/2012 07:18 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 252

You deserved it 4 183

By Too much skin? - 18/02/2018 05:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 551

You deserved it 365

By unknown - 13/12/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 303

You deserved it 3 108

By sad as shit - 01/01/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 2 141

Bratz

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 708

You deserved it 894

By WellThen - 15/12/2018 06:30 - United States

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 471

Is this a joke?

By smiletellsall - 06/08/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 849

You deserved it 3 095

By indierocklove - 03/08/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 350

You deserved it 8 756

Shark Week

By sharkboy - 11/06/2012 02:33 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 866

You deserved it 31 183

By Heartbroken - 20/06/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 302

You deserved it 4 283

By disgruntled - 09/12/2015 15:01

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 233

You deserved it 1 498

By Anonymous - 13/09/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 220

You deserved it 5 061

By Anonymous - 14/10/2017 06:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 883

You deserved it 9 140

Vibe check: strong crystal mom energy

By me. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 718

You deserved it 4 102

By ITSnotFUNNYtoMEass - 25/05/2009 08:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 006

You deserved it 5 491

By what even - 14/05/2015 22:17 - United States - Athens

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 571

You deserved it 4 827

By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 771

You deserved it 5 925

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 21:00 - Hungary - Szeged

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 680

You deserved it 3 968

Good boy

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 95

By mafille - 19/03/2015 03:22 - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 249

You deserved it 5 464

By BassGuy - 18/05/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 187

You deserved it 4 775

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Top comments

juststephhere 23

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Well now you know to not trust strangers with your vehicle. Next time just call a cab...

patrickeli 15

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:29

Serves you right for getting overly drunk and trusting a stranger.

juststephhere 23

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:28

Well now you know to not trust strangers with your vehicle. Next time just call a cab...

adrian1910 15

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:54

Why I drive a motorcycle? No one can use it except me.

juststephhere 23

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Saturday 3 January 2015 6:24

Haha you're not the only person who can drive a motorcycle silly! A lot of them have two seats too! You also shouldn't be driving one while you're drunk...

patrickeli 15

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:29

Serves you right for getting overly drunk and trusting a stranger.

lj19717 19

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Saturday 3 January 2015 19:56

As opposed to getting drunk and driving yourself home?

JustinJK 21

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Saturday 3 January 2015 20:07

@47 or you know they could have called a cab, taken a bus, used uber, asked a friend. I would never trust a random to drive my car.

RenoTheRhino 30

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:29

Appeal the DUI. If you have any evidence, like security camera footage from the club showing you two leave, maybe you can get off with just a wrecked car.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 3 January 2015 8:57

I hope you have her phone #. Hopefully, though doubtful, you can have your car checked for prints. Otherwise, you're gonna need a good lawyer...

adamjcurryy 19

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Saturday 3 January 2015 23:35

Eye witnesses should be able to point out a girl running from the scene as well. Hang in there, OP; just don't trust strangers like that again.

Marie54321 19

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:30

Does stranger danger mean nothing to you?

MrConcise 34

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:43

I, err, really think that might be a misapplication of the phrase....

quickit 24

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:52

I think the application of the phrase would have saved OP a ton of money.

Just_A_Tree 20

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Saturday 3 January 2015 6:03

Louis C.K. : "guys just sort of push everything off all night when trying to get laid. Once they come it's like reality just rushes in and hits them in the face. It's like coming back down from the Hulk. Really surprised and confused as they realize everything that's happened."

drizzy11 18

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Saturday 3 January 2015 6:56

thank you for your service

Dcm210 19

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

YDI for trusting a crazy woman.

swaglesshipster 23

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

Well you're alive. You've got that going for you!

magicman13 9

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:31

bitches ain't nothing but hoes and triks

J_Jay98 21

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:32

Why would you trust a random stranger? But sorry about your car, that sucks.

devildog562 33

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:39

I have to say you deserve it. One for trusting someone you just met, at a club no less. Chances are she was drinking or on something as well. Finally, there are so many other options to get home safely. On that note , sorry you had a hard lesson. Hopefully a medical personnel can confirm the seatbelt mark on the shoulder, if you hit hard enough.