Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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Serious times

Roommate from hell

Get the message, dude

By Awkward... - United States - Killeen

Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

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By JohnB - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By left alone - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

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By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - United States

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

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By stinker - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By penisgrabber - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By Rach

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Crest

Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML

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By Eet- - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Whack

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By tessykins - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By Kpotassium - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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By Raven - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

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By soccerbooty - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

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By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By snowbunny - United States

Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML

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By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By MeanMother - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

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By Queen LaQueefah - United Kingdom - Chesterfield

Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML

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By post it - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML

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Top comments

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7833887 - Sunday 18 August 2019 16:17

Hey, Happy Birthday from Alaska. Don't let this stop you from enjoying not just every year but every day fully

By blondie45 | 21

#7833907 - Sunday 18 August 2019 17:20

Happy birthday from sunny South Africa 🇿🇦🎈

COMMENTS

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7833887 - Sunday 18 August 2019 16:17

Hey, Happy Birthday from Alaska. Don't let this stop you from enjoying not just every year but every day fully

By blondie45 | 21

#7833907 - Sunday 18 August 2019 17:20

Happy birthday from sunny South Africa 🇿🇦🎈

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7833928 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:14

I’ve heard SA is not particularly sunny this time of year, being the dead of winter there.

Reply

chyiochan | 31

#7833941 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:51

Wow, I didn't realize the sun doesn't come out anymore in Winter! /s

Reply

blondie45 | 21

#7834005 - Sunday 18 August 2019 22:57

25 deg Celsius here today in mid winter and sunny almost every day in SA 😁😎

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7834009 - Sunday 18 August 2019 23:14

I’ve heard Cape Town is cooler and seems to be cloudy and raining these days, and that’s the normal winter pattern.

At least the reservoirs are happy.

Reply

blondie45 | 21

#7834540 - Monday 19 August 2019 21:52

Happy they are!
CT weather is crap in winter. East London is awesome. And Durban winters are better than summer in most other places ☀️

By RichardPencil | 29

#7833919 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:00

You didn’t get a greeting from your bank, your dentist, your auto mechanic, Starbucks, your local bookstore, etc?

I get showered with birthday love from my army of robot “friends,” even if very few humans give a shit.

By soniles | 6

#7834032 - Monday 19 August 2019 1:06

I don't know, I'd like that.

By cdaspirit | 15

#7834128 - Monday 19 August 2019 8:13

Happy birthday from Atlanta, Georgia!

By PlagueofFiction | 19

#7834623 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 1:25

Happy birthday! I do hope next year's birthday is much more pleasant! Have a great day!

By reborne | 9

#7835852 - Friday 23 August 2019 19:15

If that happened to me I'd be looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing to alienate everyone to the point where no-one even wants to wish me a happy birthday?