By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thornbury Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML I agree, your life sucks 1696 You deserved it 133 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Awkward... - United States - Killeen Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML I agree, your life sucks 51023 You deserved it 4964 104 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By burned - United States Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML I agree, your life sucks 40032 You deserved it 2527 109 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By JohnB - United States Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML I agree, your life sucks 26729 You deserved it 4190 65 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03 Miserable Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML I agree, your life sucks 1122 You deserved it 232 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By left alone - United States - Schenectady Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML I agree, your life sucks 14334 You deserved it 929 36 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML I agree, your life sucks 79769 You deserved it 11753 162 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01 Delusional Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML I agree, your life sucks 1356 You deserved it 82 4 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML I agree, your life sucks 21673 You deserved it 2386 126 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - United States Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML I agree, your life sucks 43714 You deserved it 17232 148 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Rochester Today, I finally told my father that I was picked on at college all this year over my hearing disability. When I told him one of the jokes they made about me, he burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. FML I agree, your life sucks 44744 You deserved it 3555 91 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Hayward Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML I agree, your life sucks 12781 You deserved it 2829 28 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By stinker - United States Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML I agree, your life sucks 47391 You deserved it 4317 34 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML I agree, your life sucks 55802 You deserved it 8741 130 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Username Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML I agree, your life sucks 33914 You deserved it 3229 99 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By penisgrabber - United States Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML I agree, your life sucks 36316 You deserved it 7031 116 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Bad parenting101 - United States - Denver Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML I agree, your life sucks 9744 You deserved it 2192 35 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By oooooopss - United States - Portland Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML I agree, your life sucks 7823 You deserved it 29374 145 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML I agree, your life sucks 1078 You deserved it 3708 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Rach Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML I agree, your life sucks 2977 You deserved it 732 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Crest Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML I agree, your life sucks 31343 You deserved it 40844 131 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Eet- - United Kingdom Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML I agree, your life sucks 36095 You deserved it 4226 148 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Whack Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML I agree, your life sucks 26807 You deserved it 3395 63 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By emeraldarcher74 - United States - Lake Stevens Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML I agree, your life sucks 9178 You deserved it 1315 17 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By tessykins - United States Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML I agree, your life sucks 37813 You deserved it 3266 146 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Kpotassium - Canada - Sudbury Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML I agree, your life sucks 6981 You deserved it 1033 35 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Raven - Canada - Brantford Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML I agree, your life sucks 2141 You deserved it 129 6 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Durham Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML I agree, your life sucks 26902 You deserved it 52759 140 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Fresno Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML I agree, your life sucks 26353 You deserved it 2779 133 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML I agree, your life sucks 44261 You deserved it 4290 127 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Sparks Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML I agree, your life sucks 21797 You deserved it 4615 150 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By wow - United States Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML I agree, your life sucks 35111 You deserved it 4492 350 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By soccerbooty - United States Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML I agree, your life sucks 38788 You deserved it 8111 209 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Empathy bypass Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML I agree, your life sucks 2315 You deserved it 609 14 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By snowbunny - United States Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML I agree, your life sucks 30936 You deserved it 2905 67 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By oxjessiiox - United Kingdom Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML I agree, your life sucks 59011 You deserved it 29713 194 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML I agree, your life sucks 6982 You deserved it 338 19 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML I agree, your life sucks 45630 You deserved it 4885 110 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By MeanMother - United States - Saint Louis Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML I agree, your life sucks 7935 You deserved it 90950 311 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Queen LaQueefah - United Kingdom - Chesterfield Today, my rarely-romantic boyfriend finally said "I love you". Too bad he was drunk, and was talking to my vagina. FML I agree, your life sucks 27981 You deserved it 3359 38 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By post it - Australia - South Yarra Today, I found out that when buying my $500 dollar dress I put my address as Austria instead of Australia. FML I agree, your life sucks 28198 You deserved it 13043 65 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Jonkbaby | 19 #7833887 - Sunday 18 August 2019 16:17 Hey, Happy Birthday from Alaska. Don't let this stop you from enjoying not just every year but every day fully Send a private message 9 0 Reply
By blondie45 | 21 #7833907 - Sunday 18 August 2019 17:20 Happy birthday from sunny South Africa 🇿🇦🎈 Send a private message 9 0 Reply
By Jonkbaby | 19 #7833887 - Sunday 18 August 2019 16:17 Hey, Happy Birthday from Alaska. Don't let this stop you from enjoying not just every year but every day fully Send a private message 9 0 Reply
By blondie45 | 21 #7833907 - Sunday 18 August 2019 17:20 Happy birthday from sunny South Africa 🇿🇦🎈 Send a private message 9 0 Reply
Reply RichardPencil | 29 #7833928 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:14 I’ve heard SA is not particularly sunny this time of year, being the dead of winter there. Send a private message 0 2 Reply
Reply chyiochan | 31 #7833941 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:51 Wow, I didn't realize the sun doesn't come out anymore in Winter! /s Send a private message 2 0 Reply
Reply blondie45 | 21 #7834005 - Sunday 18 August 2019 22:57 25 deg Celsius here today in mid winter and sunny almost every day in SA 😁😎 Send a private message 1 0 Reply
Reply RichardPencil | 29 #7834009 - Sunday 18 August 2019 23:14 I’ve heard Cape Town is cooler and seems to be cloudy and raining these days, and that’s the normal winter pattern. At least the reservoirs are happy. Send a private message 1 0 Reply
Reply blondie45 | 21 #7834540 - Monday 19 August 2019 21:52 Happy they are! CT weather is crap in winter. East London is awesome. And Durban winters are better than summer in most other places ☀️ Send a private message 0 0 Reply
By RichardPencil | 29 #7833919 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:00 You didn’t get a greeting from your bank, your dentist, your auto mechanic, Starbucks, your local bookstore, etc? I get showered with birthday love from my army of robot “friends,” even if very few humans give a shit. Send a private message 2 0 Reply
By soniles | 6 #7834032 - Monday 19 August 2019 1:06 I don't know, I'd like that. Send a private message 0 1 Reply
By cdaspirit | 15 #7834128 - Monday 19 August 2019 8:13 Happy birthday from Atlanta, Georgia! Send a private message 1 0 Reply
By PlagueofFiction | 19 #7834623 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 1:25 Happy birthday! I do hope next year's birthday is much more pleasant! Have a great day! 0 0 Reply
By reborne | 9 #7835852 - Friday 23 August 2019 19:15 If that happened to me I'd be looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing to alienate everyone to the point where no-one even wants to wish me a happy birthday? Send a private message 0 0 Reply
Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML I agree, your life sucks 237 You deserved it 101 3 Comments
Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without... I agree, your life sucks 380 You deserved it 81 4 Comments