Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2009 22:38 - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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Boozehound

Nice neighborhood

British Broadcasting Corporation

By FMyCountry - 24/4/2017 14:00

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2014 10:46 - Australia

Today, my friend thought she would "save me some time" by spoiling Game of Thrones. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2009 01:49 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - 9/2/2013 00:44 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By dani911 - 15/7/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I noticed a car following me all the way to my house. It was dark so I got really nervous and called the police. The person got out of the car. It was my mom. FML

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By Goodtimes - 1/10/2019 20:01

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Seriously? - 6/1/2014 07:17

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

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By neighbor - 26/1/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

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By DeadScared - 19/9/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

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By FamilySecret - 29/1/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By heheheh - 22/8/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

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By happybride - 13/4/2018 01:30

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2016 07:53 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

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By ks0300 - 24/2/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2015 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

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By iJehx - 13/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

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By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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By isystuff - 1/2/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2015 00:59 - United States - Ocean Springs

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

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By :^( - 7/12/2013 17:30 - Bahrain - Isa Town

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

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By PanFace - 13/10/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 18:50

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 00:07 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By RjsBabe - 1/10/2016 06:14 - United States - Tulare

Today, after I got the birth control implant, waited a week like my doctor told me, my fiancee is still too scared that I'll get pregnant. It's been 2 months. FML

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By Calimero0 - 5/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By Kyle - 9/11/2012 06:57 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2012 19:17 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 23:27 - United States

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

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By zomg - 30/4/2012 09:24 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

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By dunnough - 14/1/2009 11:06 - United States

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 01:53 - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By thathurt - 29/3/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML

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By failphone - 7/1/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 22:00

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

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Top comments

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

Comments

By pelica | 0

#202876 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

aww!

Reply

MissyWissyKach | 0

#486133 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:08

mmm minty

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1358846 - Monday 6 September 2010 4:57

true

Reply

katsteak | 0

#2461153 - Thursday 5 May 2011 2:57

damn.

Reply

steierr | 7

#2665041 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:46

at least u get presents :(

jkjkjk

Reply

Slythrr | 0

#2758203 - Saturday 25 June 2011 21:09

your breath stinks hint hint

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

Reply

ccftw | 0

#983504 - Thursday 22 April 2010 5:52

I agree haha

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

By Chidge | 0

#202883 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

Well mate, that's oral hygene.

By genesisdeleon | 0

#202889 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

maybe you should gargle more often? :P

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#202890 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Wait, you didn't notice the TopDentist gift card we left you too?

By hayride1987 | 0

#202891 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

clearly you have bad breath...

happy birthday!

By elliebutton | 0

#202893 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Take a hint?
Sorry about that though.

By Trix_Disorder | 20

#202898 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:07

Ouch.

But you got free mouthwash!

By paxromana | 0

#202901 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:09

Hint hint?

Okay, there isn't a very obvious silver lining to this dark cloud, but perhaps they didn't want to be rude and confrontational? I don't know. I probably would be the office worker to leave secret gifts with subliminal messages, too.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now you'll have a minty fresh smile.