Miscellaneous: Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

By sayroshi - United States

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

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By meowcat101 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML

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By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By ryanlogan - Canada

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

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By owmyhead - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

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By Kelsey Dynes - 6/4/2020 17:00

Meat Market

Today, I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor had to examine my abdomen. I'm generally a pretty fit woman. After touching my abdomen, my doctor called me "the perfect specimen" and asked me if I was single because his son is also single. FML

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By Blie

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By creepingjennie - 5/6/2020 02:00

Droopy

Today, I learned that working while taking muscle relaxers is not as fun as it sounds. FML

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By Lifeless - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

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By holladaddy - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

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By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By Anonymous

Cancel Student Debt

Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML

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By News-print Face Kate - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

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By Wanderlei Santos - 9/7/2020 14:03

Deep ink

Today, I'm going to get my first tattoo. Too bad it's inside my colon so the surgeon can mark the section to remove. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 08:00

What a tool

Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML

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By Jules - 12/1/2021 23:07

Insurance is a scam: Tokyo drift

Today, if you have a job in my country, you automatically have health insurance. Without a job, you can get “voluntary insurance”. No, let me rephrase that: You are legally required to get “voluntary” insurance. Whether you can afford it or not. FML

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By fired - United States - Portland

Today, I really had to pee while babysitting. Normally this isn't a problem, except the kids were sleeping and going potty would wake them up right before their parents were due home. Desperate, I decided to pee in a cup in the kitchen and wash it down the sink. Their parents came home mid-stream. FML

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By innocent

Today my best friend called me at 6 a.m., ranting and accusing me of sleeping with her husband. I live two hours away and haven't seen him in person in over six months. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was "So does yours." FML

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By 23yearoldtoddler - United States

Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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By socks - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

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By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By Farmgirl

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By Girl w/ the Pearl Earring - Australia - Perth

Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML

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By Emma - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 15:00

Cleanliness is next to someone else

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

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By grossuncle - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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Top comments

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

COMMENTS

By pelica | 0

#202876 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

aww!

Reply

MissyWissyKach | 0

#486133 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:08

mmm minty

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1358846 - Monday 6 September 2010 4:57

true

Reply

katsteak | 0

#2461153 - Thursday 5 May 2011 2:57

damn.

Reply

steierr | 7

#2665041 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:46

at least u get presents :(

jkjkjk

Reply

Slythrr | 0

#2758203 - Saturday 25 June 2011 21:09

your breath stinks hint hint

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

Reply

ccftw | 0

#983504 - Thursday 22 April 2010 5:52

I agree haha

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

By Chidge | 0

#202883 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

Well mate, that's oral hygene.

By genesisdeleon | 0

#202889 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

maybe you should gargle more often? :P

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#202890 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Wait, you didn't notice the TopDentist gift card we left you too?

By hayride1987 | 0

#202891 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

clearly you have bad breath...

happy birthday!

By elliebutton | 0

#202893 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Take a hint?
Sorry about that though.

By Trix_Disorder | 20

#202898 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:07

Ouch.

But you got free mouthwash!

By paxromana | 0

#202901 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:09

Hint hint?

Okay, there isn't a very obvious silver lining to this dark cloud, but perhaps they didn't want to be rude and confrontational? I don't know. I probably would be the office worker to leave secret gifts with subliminal messages, too.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now you'll have a minty fresh smile.