Miscellaneous: Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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You tried

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By blizzard_of_77 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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By nottoosmall - United States

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

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By Juju Bear - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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By svet - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out you really can burn down a kitchen by boiling an egg. FML

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By Natasha - United States - Seattle

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

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By Lorena - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

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By moobysrocks - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

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By Jlhfan90 - United States

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

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By maria lucia - 5/4/2021 21:30

Weird kid

Today, my ten-year-old daughter now has a habit of going up to random strangers and acting all scared before pointing behind them and whispering, "El Diablo." FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

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By Unlucky gal

Today, I broke my mug, windshield wiper, shower curtain, and foot, all in six hours. FML

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By amaze

Today, I discovered just how picky my son is. In addition to understandably not eating vegetables, he also doesn’t eat chicken fingers, pizza, or ice cream, along with several other foods I assumed all kids love. FML

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By Dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was babysitting this little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park so we did. When we were walking back, I was caring her on my back. When were almost at the door, she told me she had to go pee. I told her to hold it. As we were walking in the door I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

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By thanks, my fellow americans - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

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By Lor - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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By I Have Failed - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

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By Deadmeat

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

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By yessssir - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

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By Heifer - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By Herman - France

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 14:01

We could be heroes

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ascot Vale

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

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By x_udontknowme_x - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing ball with my student during recess. My first attempt at throwing the ball hit him in the head. My second attempt hit him in the crotch. FML

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By Hunter cat

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 07:58

Mystery woman

Today, my husband of 4 years is tagged in a #ValentinesDayChallenge post on Facebook. No, I didn’t tag him. FML

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By just great...

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

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By katsaysner - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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Top comments

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

COMMENTS

By pelica | 0

#202876 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

aww!

Reply

MissyWissyKach | 0

#486133 - Friday 14 August 2009 16:08

mmm minty

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1358846 - Monday 6 September 2010 4:57

true

Reply

katsteak | 0

#2461153 - Thursday 5 May 2011 2:57

damn.

Reply

steierr | 7

#2665041 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:46

at least u get presents :(

jkjkjk

Reply

Slythrr | 0

#2758203 - Saturday 25 June 2011 21:09

your breath stinks hint hint

By lolwut_fail | 0

#202878 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:01

The big bow is a nice touch.

Reply

ccftw | 0

#983504 - Thursday 22 April 2010 5:52

I agree haha

By 24788 | 6

#202879 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:02

Either it's a gag gift or someone really is sending you a message in a hostile way.

By Chidge | 0

#202883 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

Well mate, that's oral hygene.

By genesisdeleon | 0

#202889 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:04

maybe you should gargle more often? :P

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#202890 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Wait, you didn't notice the TopDentist gift card we left you too?

By hayride1987 | 0

#202891 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

clearly you have bad breath...

happy birthday!

By elliebutton | 0

#202893 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:05

Take a hint?
Sorry about that though.

By Trix_Disorder | 20

#202898 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:07

Ouch.

But you got free mouthwash!

By paxromana | 0

#202901 - Saturday 16 May 2009 10:09

Hint hint?

Okay, there isn't a very obvious silver lining to this dark cloud, but perhaps they didn't want to be rude and confrontational? I don't know. I probably would be the office worker to leave secret gifts with subliminal messages, too.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now you'll have a minty fresh smile.