Health: Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the...

By madi - 15/04/2011 19:13 - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 722

You deserved it 3 138

Health

Another great day to be alive

Commando

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 23:13 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 588

You deserved it 5 669

By bianca131 - 10/11/2015 03:42 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 166

You deserved it 7 818

Screwed

By prince232 - 04/05/2016 04:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after having a second interview with a club I want to work for, the interviewer ignored my work references. Instead, he told me he was going to call the only manager I never got along with, for reference in a job I left 5 years ago, because he knows her personally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 977

You deserved it 1 144

Get on with it

By KaRaSu - 22/11/2008 12:24 - France

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, she suddenly said : "Are you going to be done any time soon?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 764

You deserved it 7 053

Not a morning person

By crazybitch - 18/06/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 932

You deserved it 4 027

By Zack - 11/03/2009 18:57 - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 127

You deserved it 96 880

By Anonymous - 16/06/2017 06:00 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 710

You deserved it 373

By Fmyapp - 02/12/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 473

You deserved it 45 983

By Anonymous - 02/02/2015 17:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 838

You deserved it 3 238

By antiqued - 20/12/2012 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 997

You deserved it 3 076

By KC - 17/02/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 356

You deserved it 4 359

By pencilring - 04/09/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 645

You deserved it 14 279

By PulledOver - 01/06/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 944

You deserved it 54 720

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 06:00

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 193

By Sursion - 12/11/2009 17:34 - Canada

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 799

You deserved it 10 502

Bad date #3764

By Greenpuppy416 - 04/07/2020 05:02

Today, I had a date at a formal restaurant I'm well known at. My date showed up two and a half hours late with a jogging suit on, and then got mad at me for ordering, eating, and paying without him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 126

Nice try

By hkbaer - 27/09/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 106

By targe - 19/10/2011 09:40 - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 792

You deserved it 3 579

By rock'n roller - 03/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 591

You deserved it 6 444

Lovely bundles of joy

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 106

You deserved it 3 842

By totalloss - 01/04/2012 16:15 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 271

You deserved it 2 127

By Ansharus - 06/06/2016 13:47 - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 764

You deserved it 3 994

All or nothing

By FLkiki - 24/07/2020 20:00

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 1 933

By badsitter - 05/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 194

You deserved it 292

By FoodyFood - 19/03/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 991

You deserved it 14 670

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I was being driven to get my wisdom teeth removed and I was panicking all the way there. When we got to the office, I was told that I'd been brought in on the wrong day, and that I have to do this all over again tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 132

You deserved it 8 148

By brit - 11/02/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 772

You deserved it 5 601

By womanoski - 20/02/2016 17:56 - United States - Fishers

Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 402

You deserved it 1 453

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 962

You deserved it 6 991

By ewwy - 10/10/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 938

You deserved it 7 635

By Beaky - 12/10/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 093

You deserved it 49 865

Clout goblins

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 13:01 - United States - Duluth

Today, I'm 6 months pregnant with my first child and excited. My brother and his girlfriend announced they're getting married… on my due date. They refuse to change the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 163

By John - 24/06/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 959

You deserved it 3 233

By yuck - 09/12/2018 03:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 566

You deserved it 225

By Moon-chan - 30/06/2019 00:30 - Netherlands

Today, I was cycling home. On the way, my laces got stuck in the bicycle pedals and I couldn't move the foot that got stuck. The bicycle fell over, with me attached to it. Everyone was looking at me like, "What are you doing?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 323

Wake up call

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 00:01

Today, I let my 4-month old puppy sleep with me. She’s been constipated for a while. I woke up to a foul odor in the middle of the night. Turns out she took a massive dump on the bed right by my head. I had to completely strip my bed to go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 409

By z - 05/11/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 385

You deserved it 5 439

Capitalism kills

By glorified taxi driver - 11/06/2020 20:08

Today, after starting a new job, having two ovarian cysts rupture and been in and out of the hospital twice in a week, I'd been told that I couldn't work, needed surgery, and could lose my ovary. I’m 23. I was told that my job was secure and not to worry. I received my termination letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 074

You deserved it 112

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 13:38 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 039

You deserved it 6 354

By iblamethetories - 11/10/2012 17:49 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 760

You deserved it 4 823

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Top comments

PolBig123 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

use an eye patch :D it works well to hide your eyes, AND you look like a pirate!! Arrrr!!

mintcar 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut? Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:10

what does your eye have to do with acne? lol

DavLynn 4

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:15

umm... it distracts from acne...

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:20

ohhhhh...

mintcar 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:06

Wow 1, just wow.

Finn_the_human 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

Sounds like someone farted on your pillow.

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:24

oh yeah.. I read it wrong.. my bad.. lol

mintcar 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:29

Out of curiosity, how /did/ you interpret the FML?

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:31

I thought it said with 'one' eye your acne is barely noticeable or something like that. lol

CheckMyProfile 17

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

ice cubes are miraculously effective while curing swollen eyes :)

Mpsteve13 7

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

that happened to my vagina once

mintcar 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut? Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

mintcar 9

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut? Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

JFloUnknown 24

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:37

almost..but isn't

JFloUnknown 24

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:37

almost..but isn't

Thabb 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 6:10

Will I get a double post too?

twobig4u 3

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Saturday 16 April 2011 10:37

^bahaha!!!

Mpsteve13 7

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Saturday 16 April 2011 17:32

oh yea I love the vaginas with teeth. it scratches my dick. and then the queef is like air conditioning

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 17:59

haha that's not weird at all......^^

nerdytacos 3

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

haha

IIRoxieII 12

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

what a great mum

PolBig123 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

use an eye patch :D it works well to hide your eyes, AND you look like a pirate!! Arrrr!!

DavLynn 4

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:14

well if you like attention you'll get lots of questions

shoecrazy 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:20

no offense but your moms messed up OP...

HappyCynic 0

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:27

Injure your face, then your eye will be unnoticeable. Problem solved.

skitzofreniks 5

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Saturday 16 April 2011 0:28

Two FML's in one! not only do you have a black eye, but acne as well, ZING!!

sterlingarcher 1

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Saturday 16 April 2011 1:34

boop...ZING... (archer) .. :)

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 88

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 286

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