Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the...

By madi - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

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34686

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Health

Out of it

Cloth ears

"Based on your purchase history…"

By cutiecuppiecakez - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

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19892

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2979

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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48866

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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37549

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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4672

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1022

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Marking territory

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

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2591

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By off the family

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

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3315

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By kylinsmama - 8/3/2020 08:01 - United States

Mixed signals

Today, I got in trouble with my doctor for eating too soon after surgery. Why was I eating? Because the nurses brought me food, which apparently I should've known not to eat. FML

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By shameless - United States - Canton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with the creepy guy from my Economics class because I'm so broke that I could really use the free meal. FML

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49637

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By bandeek

Knackered

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

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11923

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2814

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21287

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By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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18424

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By fatto - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

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1603

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37041

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2173

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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9065

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69737

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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34665

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2268

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By Anonymous

Today, after being a few minutes late to work a few times this week, I left the house super early this morning. When I got to work, security hadn’t unlocked the doors yet, so I waited in my car, where I ended up falling asleep and sleeping through most of my entire morning shift. FML

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946

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By The hopeful

Today, my ex-boyfriend called me. I was really excited, thinking he wanted to get back together. He just wanted to get back the Christmas present he gave me before we broke up so that he could return it for cash. FML

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9228

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996

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2294

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131

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By Madison43097 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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29599

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2515

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3119

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191

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By hungry - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

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1307

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264

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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1615

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114

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By Nerrh - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

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17181

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33498

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By Anonymous

Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, "Shhh, Mommy." FML

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42273

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 06:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Pompous twat

Today, this guy who I thought was my friend said that my "existence is of minimal consequence," and that I'm "an individual I clearly don't acknowledge." All this after he'd said, "I'm not trying to hurt you." FML

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845

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By Anonymous

Cravings

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

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2276

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211

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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2966

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325

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By annesolmm - France - Paris

Today, I'm in Venice for a romantic weekend. While I was gushing about the gondolas, canals and the city of love in general, the only thing my boyfriend could say was, "Wow! How cool is it to be on the set of the Tomb Raider movie?" FML

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39376

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By caligirl4ever

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

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1877

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 23:00

Working in retail sucks

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

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1638

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By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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51207

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By workerbee

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

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1416

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118

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By ad4 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and sweet 16 balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I will be 17. FML

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42074

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By jlujan00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

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22110

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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45617

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By whyme_ss - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

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16037

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By CompleteWithPictures - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

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15114

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By Scarlett - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50436

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1836

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3816

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By KaySchrages92 - United States

Today, a neo-Nazi stopped me and commented on my blue eyes and blonde hair. He went on to explain that I could be "pure", and should follow him and other Aryans in the campaign to eliminate Jews, and other "abominations". Good thing he didn't see the Star of David necklace around my neck. FML

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50411

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Top comments

By PolBig123 | 0

#2355463 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

use an eye patch :D it works well to hide your eyes, AND you look like a pirate!! Arrrr!!

By mintcar | 9

#2355716 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut?
Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

COMMENTS

By sterlingarcher | 1

#2355421 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:10

what does your eye have to do with acne? lol

DavLynn | 4

#2355473 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:15

umm... it distracts from acne...

sterlingarcher | 1

#2355498 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:20

ohhhhh...

mintcar | 9

#2355667 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:06

Wow 1, just wow.

Finn_the_human | 5

#2355713 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

Sounds like someone farted on your pillow.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2355745 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:24

oh yeah.. I read it wrong.. my bad.. lol

mintcar | 9

#2355759 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:29

Out of curiosity, how /did/ you interpret the FML?

sterlingarcher | 1

#2355776 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:31

I thought it said with 'one' eye your acne is barely noticeable or something like that. lol

By CheckMyProfile | 17

#2355440 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

ice cubes are miraculously effective while curing swollen eyes :)

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2355445 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

that happened to my vagina once

mintcar | 9

#2355716 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut?
Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

mintcar | 9

#2355722 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:18

You woke up one day to your vagina almost swollen shut?
Almost as scary as vagina with teeth.

JFloUnknown | 24

#2355809 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:37

almost..but isn't

JFloUnknown | 24

#2355816 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:37

almost..but isn't

Thabb | 0

#2356294 - Saturday 16 April 2011 6:10

Will I get a double post too?

twobig4u | 3

#2356833 - Saturday 16 April 2011 10:37

^bahaha!!!

Mpsteve13 | 7

#2358247 - Saturday 16 April 2011 17:32

oh yea I love the vaginas with teeth. it scratches my dick. and then the queef is like air conditioning

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2358375 - Saturday 16 April 2011 17:59

haha that's not weird at all......^^

By nerdytacos | 3

#2355447 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:12

haha

By IIRoxieII | 12

#2355459 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

what a great mum

By PolBig123 | 0

#2355463 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:13

use an eye patch :D it works well to hide your eyes, AND you look like a pirate!! Arrrr!!

By DavLynn | 4

#2355469 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:14

well if you like attention you'll get lots of questions

By shoecrazy | 5

#2355501 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:20

no offense but your moms messed up OP...

By HappyCynic | 0

#2355531 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:27

Injure your face, then your eye will be unnoticeable. Problem solved.

By skitzofreniks | 5

#2355537 - Saturday 16 April 2011 0:28

Two FML's in one! not only do you have a black eye, but acne as well, ZING!!

sterlingarcher | 1

#2355794 - Saturday 16 April 2011 1:34

boop...ZING... (archer) .. :)