Intimacy: Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my... - FML

By ;)loganberry(; - 27/12/2011 17:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 661

You deserved it 50 225

The smell detective is on the case

This Charming Man

Oh, hai Mark!

By coolchicka05 - 06/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 829

You deserved it 9 728

By whythebunny - 30/10/2015 18:56 - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 661

You deserved it 2 335

Unwanted

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 23:01

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 641

You deserved it 3 164

By buxton1 - 18/02/2013 08:24 - United States - Ramona

Spicy

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 3 362

By Deirbhile - 03/05/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 716

You deserved it 7 051

Stalker vibes

By Anonymous - 06/02/2021 02:01

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 144

By fredfredburger - 25/06/2014 17:45 - United States - Imperial

Today, I went on a date with the girl I like, to see The Fault In Our Stars. She didn't cry, but I did. Twice, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 356

You deserved it 13 788

Talk is cheap

By Tris - 12/09/2019 16:00

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 555

You deserved it 1 995

Date night

By JulleandCici - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 009

You deserved it 5 025

By Sorry - 03/03/2010 16:22 - Canada

Spicy

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 732

You deserved it 7 783

By Anonymous - 24/06/2019 00:17

Today, after I got pregnant 22 years ago and my husband became way too overprotective to the point where he became a right pain in the ass, I’m now accidentally pregnant again. It turns out my now 22-year-old son is almost as bad as his dad was. Now I’ve got two of the sods to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 514

By areyoukiddingme - 02/11/2015 05:54 - United States - Marion

Today, my roommate blocked my phone number and won't speak to me. All because I mistakenly used her hand soap, thinking it was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 984

You deserved it 2 166

By Whyis Dremora - 30/09/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 761

You deserved it 275

By paintfarts1976 - 10/05/2013 19:01 - Ireland - Mullingar

Today, my husband angrily accused me of cheating on him. It turns out he thinks that because I've been spending time with my brother recently, the two of us must be having some kind of incestuous affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 047

You deserved it 4 213

By belle_arina - 08/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 374

You deserved it 8 491

By Briscuit - 05/12/2013 00:00 - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 039

You deserved it 2 648

Ice age

By Drew - 16/01/2022 16:59

Today, my girlfriend was thoughtful enough to buy me some "Dude Wipes" because I work on construction sites and most of the time it's use a Porta Potty or hold it. I was late and decided I'd use the work potty. Grabbed my wipes, did my business., went to wipe and… FROZEN SOLID! Hell of a way to start my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 85

Charming lady

By the diabetic necromancer - 15/03/2021 02:00

Today, I accidentally left the pantry open. My narcissistic mother’s response was to spit on me and tell me to kill myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 58

By ArtistBlock - 25/11/2016 05:10

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 403

You deserved it 6 119

By Jess - 30/05/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 343

You deserved it 71 645

A Natural Snack!

By Anonymous - 20/02/2017 17:00 - United States - Charles City

Today, my husband argued with me for an hour, because he believed that loaded potato skins grow naturally on a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 813

You deserved it 776

By whymyliferose - 03/06/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, my boss's cat died. I'm expected to attend the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 083

You deserved it 4 503

By Jenny - 31/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 164

You deserved it 8 689

By Anonymous - 30/04/2015 17:33 - United Kingdom - Limavady

Today, someone at work took my delicate medication out of the fridge to make room for their lunch. Now my medication has expired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 625

You deserved it 2 876

By musamalia - 06/01/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 916

You deserved it 3 443

Awkward family moments

By hated - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I realized that my dad is more comfortable talking to the dog than sitting in the same room as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 948

You deserved it 2 913

By kay - 01/06/2012 21:08 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 888

You deserved it 4 341

By its dark - 07/01/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 273

You deserved it 1 293

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 1 735

By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 017

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 24/06/2015 17:41

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 202

You deserved it 2 436

Drunk twit

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 06:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 615

You deserved it 44 111

By Photos - 20/02/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 656

You deserved it 4 677

How not to raise them

By Anonymous - 03/10/2021 14:00

Today, my son claimed credit for a money-saving scheme at work that belonged to a colleague. He claimed this to someone in very upper management, but when they tried to ask follow-up questions, he obviously had no idea how to answer, admitted his lie and was sacked on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 372

By BadBreath - 09/04/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 602

You deserved it 9 369

By Sailorjoe - 25/08/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 506

You deserved it 7 250

Whooped

By leah - 16/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 124

By Sam - 01/04/2015 11:37 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 702

You deserved it 3 664

Good job

By thanks Toby dumbfuck - 13/07/2020 14:02

Today, my roommate read an article about unplugging appliances to save on electricity. Too bad the fucking moron also unplugged the fridge. We came home to a corpse-like stench and a fridge full of moldy food. We were gone for two weeks while the sludge marinated in the California heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 190

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Top comments

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

Well at least he didn't see you actually jacking off?

omfg_creepers 8

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:13

"If this happens again I'm keeping them! Oh and I accidentally ruined one of them, don't ask how."

Comments

TheUnknown_fml 9

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:07

YDI

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:10

'Dad, be glad I'm opened about my sexuality'

Damn_Hippster 11

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:20

God dammit op, not again!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:22

How is that a FML? You have a cool dad! At least he didn't go ape shit on you for having porn...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:31

key word "again" hahahaa

imaginaryvoice 18

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:16

"Today, my dad stormed into my room, threw some magazines at me and rudely said, 'Your dumb ass left your porn in the bathroom again. FML"

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:32

The awkward moment when your dad throws porn magazines in your face ... O.o

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:50

Haha, you look at porn while you take a shit?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:32

At least he didn't tell you his methods of hiding it were better.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:57

47, he jacks off in the bathroom. Not that difficult.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:50

Hey! OP's dad kinda sounds like Jim's dad from American Pie!

giowu 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:45

OP say, today my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, calmly sayd u forgot ur porn magazines in the bathroom again, apparently, to me, it sounds like his dad is tryin to make it sound like its OP's magazines, when his wife find the porn magazines in the bathroom for the second time.... How do u guys kno that the magazines are OP's?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 10:42

110 - because OP would probably have mentioned it if they weren't his. "I don't even have a stack of porn magazines. FML" or "I looked at the magazines and found out it's gay porn. I'm not sure whose magazines they are, and I'm my parents' only child. FML"

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 17:58

Godamnit are you all that blind and love to jump into conclusions? Op's father obviously was setting op up as op's mom was closing in on his porn stash! Its a set up! He has been framed I tells ya! FRAMED!

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Thursday 29 December 2011 20:46

Who still uses magazines?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

Well at least he didn't see you actually jacking off?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:11

true true true

Delta2Almanac 7

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:24

at least his dad knows he's not gay.. .

loney_pilot_boy 2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:47

I see what you did there #2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 3:08

What did I do?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:33

how do you know it's a guy ? girls watch porn too ..

evilplatypus 38

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:34

Yes. Yes we do :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:35

Girls don't poop, so the porn wouldn't be in the bathroom.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:38

ohh yeah I forgot about that ! I've never even heard about a girl taking a dump .

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:48

Hooray for pornography!!

DeadxManxWalking 27

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 14:53

2 Girls 1 Cup ring any bells?

death_dolphin24 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 15:57

Yes but, they pee sitting down

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Thursday 29 December 2011 6:15

You guys r stupid to think girls don't shit

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Thursday 29 December 2011 18:03

#142 Please, oh PLEASE don't make me smack you upside your head for that painfully idiotic comment.

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Friday 21 September 2012 0:54

142 I don't think you'll have to because that shark is about to fuck him up.

you_and_me_fml 8

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

awkward..

carlosantana0219 2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:29

You like it

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:02

He should have said 'gee thanks dad now I can finish' now that would have been awkward...

evilplatypus 38

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

Would you rather he make a big deal of it? And why do you still get your porn from mags? Go to nudevista. It is your friend.

agaba 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:17

Personally I like xnxx I love that site

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:23

I agree with #73 (that's the site I use)

Rosalie_Haostn 0

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Thursday 29 December 2011 6:00

It could have been worse....your mum could have found them. Now, THAT would probably be awkward.

Rowdey 10

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Wednesday 23 May 2012 2:02

Nah.. lemonparty all the way.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:10

So, your dad knows you are a wanker, and that you will take your magazines with you to the bathroom again, so just ask him nicely to leave them there. What's the problem? Being regular is healthy.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:13

yeah and next time your mom can return them to you........

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:12

Oh well, he probably enjoys it!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:24

Can I hear a herp derp?!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:23

Herp Derp

omfg_creepers 8

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:13

"If this happens again I'm keeping them! Oh and I accidentally ruined one of them, don't ask how."

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:14

Blame your dog duh

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:39

Seems legit...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:15

Should be fine unless it was gay porn.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:27

12- Should be fine even if it was gay porn.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:03

22, Not if the father didn't know it wouldn't. Nobody wants their family to find out they're gay by finding their porn...use your head.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:15

Well don't do that! Obviously this happens often if he said again : P

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 4

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 721

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 644

You deserved it 818