By Anonymous - 15/1/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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Insane parents

DINOSAURS!!

Ant life

By Well okay then - 9/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By ferrarismyname - 9/4/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2012 14:14 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 01:30

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By shorty4 - 13/7/2012 14:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By get me out of this house! - 3/3/2014 06:12 - United States

Today, my grandma begins her second week of unemployment. So far, she has paced outside my door, randomly comes into my room, and I woke up this morning to find a bible on my bed. I now look forward to going to work every day. FML

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By jesus fuck - 19/12/2018 13:30

Today, I got my 1 year old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

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By pdnne - 12/5/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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By nomegusta - 5/1/2013 15:59 - United States

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 19:00 - Canada - Toronto

Talk about not getting the picture…

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 16:40 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML

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By "Lifefail887" - 4/7/2017 18:30

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By implantme - 11/5/2017 14:00

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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By kittyfiddlernono - 23/6/2013 19:39 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By CheesyCasey - 30/5/2013 00:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2012 10:40 - Australia - Ipswich

Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

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By ilovemypup - 31/10/2016 11:20

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By DJ - 7/4/2013 18:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

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By embarassed - 20/3/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

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By nicolette5785452 - 16/11/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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By blue - 8/9/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 17:47 - Canada

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

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By FUUUUCK - 11/2/2014 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By MDWilde - 30/3/2012 18:28 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

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By syl - 11/2/2010 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

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By UghNo - 14/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my first client as a freelancer screamed at me and threw a notebook at my head. I quit my job to become a freelancer because my boss would often scream and throw things at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

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By DamnThatsHarsh - 16/10/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

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By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 20:13 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I saw some servicemen sitting outside a café, and I went over to thank them for their service. They waited till after I was done shaking their hands before they told me they were just actors on their lunch break. FML

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By Sean - 9/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

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By superman_not - 10/6/2009 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

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By talt - 10/12/2018 12:30

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By ideserveit - 28/5/2016 22:10 - Finland

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By HBC - 10/12/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

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By teebs - 14/1/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By overseasbummer - 14/11/2014 19:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML

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By lolomg - 8/9/2011 01:22 - New Zealand

Today, my dad met my fiancé's dad for the first time. My fiancé's dad is a cop. He had arrested my dad for indecent exposure in the past. FML

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Top comments

By nemcali | 33

#7874263 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:33

Your sister is an idiot. Get her back HARD.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874282 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:54

What!!! She ran back into a kitchen fire? Did she need to save her Keurig machine? I mean, the K-Cups are expensive, but damn!!!

COMMENTS

By nemcali | 33

#7874263 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:33

Your sister is an idiot. Get her back HARD.

By slowhandjp | 15

#7874267 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:44

Give your sister a taste of her own medicine 💉

By thefmlman2011 | 31

#7874278 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:30

At least you weren’t naked

Reply

DanJames24 | 14

#7874893 - Friday 17 January 2020 13:08

He may as well have been lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874282 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:54

What!!! She ran back into a kitchen fire? Did she need to save her Keurig machine? I mean, the K-Cups are expensive, but damn!!!

Reply

Nico711 | 17

#7874399 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 14:42

I highly doubt there was a kitchen fire

Reply

kendonmcb | 17

#7875578 - Monday 20 January 2020 13:47

no shit sherlock

By protoskore | 26

#7874305 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 6:54

time to gently pee on her bed while she's sleeping and accusing her of bed wetting

Reply

HonestAbe500 | 7

#7874484 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 22:15

i tried that and it fails. They said they knew because you don't pee from your face, but I doubt it.

Reply

protoskore | 26

#7874875 - Friday 17 January 2020 11:49

sounds like you need to work on your aim, and possibly your knowledge of anatomy

By Cristinita83 | 11

#7874353 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 10:13

What did you do to her?? I don’t want to assume, but this is probably an ongoing feud and that’s just the last anecdote.

Reply

HonestAbe500 | 7

#7874485 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 22:15

Yeah because if a guy gets assaulted by a girl then he did something wrong

Reply

kendonmcb | 17

#7875579 - Monday 20 January 2020 13:48

So the average sister does this to her brother on a what, daily, weekly basis, without any prequel?

By distortedcognition | 17

#7874360 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 10:57

Your sister is awesome! That’ll teach you a man goes down with the ship, or a burning house

By JuggaloChris85 | 4

#7874372 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 11:58

Dude your sister needs serious psychiatric help. 🤷🏻‍♂️

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7874373 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 12:01

throw her make up outside

By tabby cat tidbit | 5

#7874384 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 12:38

she's a damn sociopath.