By Anonymous - 15/1/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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This is us

Countdown

Can they do that?

By YouBossturd - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By peevedemployee - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

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By Danny - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

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By tillybonkers

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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By hoplessG - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML

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By StupidJob - United States - Batavia

Today I was home sick from work because my doctor gave me a new pill that made me throw up violently. My boss called. I thought she was checking on me. She fired me instead. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By Cora - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

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By air - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I couldn't believe this happened he said, "I'm not going to lie, I didn't always pull out fast." FML

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By fmcsl - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Customers from Hell

Today, a customer got an additional discount, so his total came to $61. He said, "It says they're 3 for $66!” I tried to explain the discount, saying it’s cheaper, but he still insisted on paying $66. I couldn’t modify the price at my end. He left without buying anything. FML

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By loneliness - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By ModernDayMaid

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

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By Baustigt - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monson

Today, I realized that all the times I checked behind the shower curtain before peeing didn't prepare me for what to do if someone was actually there. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By nevergonnatrust

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

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By Skier - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

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By Why? - United States - Broomfield

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

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By boyo - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 08:00

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By virginat16 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By conbon123 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Giraafe - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

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By Anon - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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By Smile - France

Today, after numerous attempts, my car door still wouldn't unlock. After going ballistic on the lock, the key broke off inside. I then realized it wasn't my car. FML

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By Connie - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By Mygawdwhy

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By whoahshloann - United States

Today, I was watching Harry Potter. When all the students at Hogwarts started to clap at one point, I started clapping myself. FML

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By Eva - France

Today, my boyfriend woke me up by playing with the string of my tampon. FML

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By Sabrina - Australia - Canberra

Move on, dude

Today, looking on the internet, I came across my ex's Facebook page. Most of the posts were about me, and his profile picture was still of me and him. We broke up over a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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Top comments

By nemcali | 34

#7874263 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:33

Your sister is an idiot. Get her back HARD.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874282 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:54

What!!! She ran back into a kitchen fire? Did she need to save her Keurig machine? I mean, the K-Cups are expensive, but damn!!!

COMMENTS

By nemcali | 34

#7874263 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:33

Your sister is an idiot. Get her back HARD.

By slowhandjp | 16

#7874267 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 1:44

Give your sister a taste of her own medicine 💉

By thefmlman2011 | 35

#7874278 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:30

At least you weren’t naked

Reply

DanJames24 | 14

#7874893 - Friday 17 January 2020 13:08

He may as well have been lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7874282 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 2:54

What!!! She ran back into a kitchen fire? Did she need to save her Keurig machine? I mean, the K-Cups are expensive, but damn!!!

Reply

Nico711 | 17

#7874399 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 14:42

I highly doubt there was a kitchen fire

Reply

kendonmcb | 18

#7875578 - Monday 20 January 2020 13:47

no shit sherlock

By protoskore | 26

#7874305 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 6:54

time to gently pee on her bed while she's sleeping and accusing her of bed wetting

Reply

HonestAbe500 | 7

#7874484 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 22:15

i tried that and it fails. They said they knew because you don't pee from your face, but I doubt it.

Reply

protoskore | 26

#7874875 - Friday 17 January 2020 11:49

sounds like you need to work on your aim, and possibly your knowledge of anatomy

By Cristinita83 | 12

#7874353 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 10:13

What did you do to her?? I don’t want to assume, but this is probably an ongoing feud and that’s just the last anecdote.

Reply

HonestAbe500 | 7

#7874485 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 22:15

Yeah because if a guy gets assaulted by a girl then he did something wrong

Reply

kendonmcb | 18

#7875579 - Monday 20 January 2020 13:48

So the average sister does this to her brother on a what, daily, weekly basis, without any prequel?

By distortedcognition | 17

#7874360 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 10:57

Your sister is awesome! That’ll teach you a man goes down with the ship, or a burning house

By JuggaloChris85 | 4

#7874372 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 11:58

Dude your sister needs serious psychiatric help. 🤷🏻‍♂️

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7874373 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 12:01

throw her make up outside

By tabby cat tidbit | 6

#7874384 - Wednesday 15 January 2020 12:38

she's a damn sociopath.