Animals: Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching....

By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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Animals

Dangling modifier

Commando

Projectile

By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Ramat Hasharon

Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML

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By Dana422 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

All that time I'm never getting back

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By OCDrunk - Australia

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

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By dear god why - United States - Seattle

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my son displayed an interest in chess, and asked me to teach him to play. Five minutes in, I captured his queen. He screamed "SCREW THIS STUPID GAME", slammed his fist down on his pieces, and started crying because of the pain. He's fourteen years old. FML

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By Delicious - New Zealand

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML

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By Dean Heffern

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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By The fat and the ugly - Finland

Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML

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By Beth - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By ladeda - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

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By dumbassbuffet - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

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By brokedad - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

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By Anonymous

Smelly Thrones

Today, I hate this time of year, not only because everything is pumpkin spice, but because of Bath and Body work sales. I work in an office full of women, and when Bath and Body has a sale, it's Game Of Smell Thrones in the office. My allergies then act up, and I handle the office phones. FML

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By Wobblefat

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Pants on fire

Today, I was told by my sister over the dinner table that some guy is telling people I’ve had sex with him; that’s not even the worst part. He’s telling people my sister walked in. One, I haven’t talked to him in years; two, he’s really not my type, three, I’m in a relationship. FML

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By "deerling" - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By spriggs - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

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By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orlando

Today, I received a text saying, "I don't think we should be friends anymore. You're terribly depressing and you make everyone unhappy" followed by, "Oops, wrong person!" and then by, "Sorry, it really is for you". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By crazy_bitch122 - United States

Today, while making love, he farted. And blamed it on his dog, who wasn't even in the room. The smell alone could have killed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By Username - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By nobabies

Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By Heavybreather - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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By AKN - United States

Today, my friend sent me the link to this website with a message that said, "You'll feel at home." FML

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Top comments

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

By DrownedMyFish | 18

#5897157 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:42

Hopefully you toucan settle this situation without it getting anymore hawkward than it already is.

COMMENTS

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

Acers1 | 13

#5897269 - Thursday 27 March 2014 12:02

acerredrum
we meet again

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897484 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:15

43 - Shutup Meg

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897485 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:16

Half the bird is fine, but what are you doing with the other half?

martialart1st18 | 19

#5897598 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:55

Haha I like this. Btw OP your roommate is a dumbass

xx000o | 27

#5897640 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

Don't worry, 5-6 years you will get used to it.

niallo | 23

#5897897 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:07

I'm ok with half the expense of taking care of the bird. As long as it's for getting it stuffed. No more screeching.

Marley_000 | 14

#5898631 - Friday 28 March 2014 22:50

In the meantime they can train it to get out of its cage and shit on their roommates stuff. It will earn it's keep.

By zandalee | 19

#5897149 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Just say no for the love of God!
Tell her to take the bird back, she is sharing a room with you!

scooterdude720 | 19

#5897378 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:41

The gender is not specified.

azaelgza98 | 5

#5897639 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

#58- Does it really matter?

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5897936 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:54

I'd teach the parrot to say something super annoying to them yet hilarious to me.

By emmingle | 24

#5897150 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Get a cat.

jogihoppa8343 | 23

#5897169 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:49

oh !!

miggles | 16

#5897267 - Thursday 27 March 2014 11:58

How is getting another pet gonna solve anything here? Unless the cat eats the parrot I guess, but still. Cats are assholes. ._.

kjack49044 | 18

#5897328 - Thursday 27 March 2014 13:59

That was the point of the comment.

B1ackthesun | 31

#5897383 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:52

Make sure it's an expensive pure breed op, and demand half of all costs including its purchase while you're at it.

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5906902 - Sunday 6 April 2014 22:49

Better yet, get a new roommate.

jaketr00 | 4

#6489901 - Monday 21 December 2015 5:15

Then make your old roommate pay for half of the utilities your new roommate uses.

By GEBEH | 14

#5897151 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:38

Or just let it out through the window.

chutney_02 | 22

#5897205 - Thursday 27 March 2014 9:34

Or just turn the parrot against your roommate

Emmiii_fml | 18

#5897242 - Thursday 27 March 2014 10:50

No that would be horrible. That parrot has most likely lived its whole life in a cage and won't know how to survive and find food outside.

kuzzy00 | 22

#5897493 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:31

You do realise domesticated animals still have basic inherited desires to scourge food.

kinky44 | 28

#5897600 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:57

Scrounge is the word you were looking for. Also, if a pet is raised to await a feeding, that is how it will behave unless trained otherwise.

alycion | 38

#5897674 - Thursday 27 March 2014 22:47

Yes 72 my husky shows it every night when he tries to counter surf. Yet he only does it when there is competition for resources, a foster dog in the home.