Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching....

By In urgent need of a new roommate - 26/3/2014 23:44 - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Great speech, thanks!

Boozehound alert

By Joel_mama - 27/7/2009 01:12 - New Zealand

Today, while driving home with my parents. I pretended to be asleep so mum wouldn't talk to me. They then took this time to describe what they were going to do to each other when they got home. In full detail. FML

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By ScrewedForCheapBag - 14/3/2013 08:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my car got broken into. A small folded plastic bag and a few toothpicks I got from a restaurant were stolen. It's going to cost me a few hundred bucks to fix and clean my car over a 10 cent bag and a few free toothpicks. FML

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By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Its_Sinon - 12/11/2015 08:38 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got married. After the ceremony, my sister asked to talk to me. I followed her and she told me that we are no longer related because we don't have the same last name anymore. FML

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By teddyissmall - 14/4/2014 06:29 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

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By apparantlyStupid - 27/6/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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By hail science! - 21/4/2020 08:00

Heretic!

Today, my sister-in-law is refusing to let me or my children be a part of her kids' lives. She’s even going as far as trying to make my brother stop speaking to us as well. Why? Simply because I'm an atheist. FML

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By bride2be - 14/2/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

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By FirstWeekFail - 4/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was bitching to my mom on the phone about the long, boring paper assignment my Lit professor gave us. Right after saying "that woman needs to get laid" I heard hysterical laughing behind me. I turned. Hello professor, just on my way to drop the course. FML

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By notacreep - 16/5/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By just physical - 18/3/2013 02:45 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - 5/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By alchy - 2/5/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 11:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

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By master baiter - 12/8/2013 17:11 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML

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By canabana - 11/4/2009 08:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

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By the-yao - 24/1/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when i'm drunk. I asked, "what about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

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By Thoughtless Wife - 18/6/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

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By humanshield - 10/4/2016 16:49 - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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By Lifes_a_bust - 8/8/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my cat died. But, before he could bite the dust, he left a goodbye present on my bed: a decapitated baby rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By FamilySecret - 29/1/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By AlreadyInDebt - 26/1/2011 08:52 - United States

Today, I found out that I've been paying student fees for the wrong account. Apparently I have been paying for some other student's tuition. FML

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By eww. - 22/3/2013 05:28 - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

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By Knottywoman - 3/9/2017 23:15

Today, I dreamt my fiancé was rolling frozen potatoes onto my bed to wake me up. In reality I woke up screaming to intense cramps in my legs which almost reduced me to tears. I could barely walk for two hours. FML

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By Grant - 11/1/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 04:00

Amazon addict

Today, I found out my husband spent us into overdraft charges through compulsive online shopping. Again. FML

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By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/8/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

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By RickTheBoy - 10/7/2013 12:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I talked to my crush for twenty minutes at Wal-mart. Then I realized I forgot to take off my Weight Watchers meeting nametag. FML

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By lonely dreams - 1/1/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By Oops - 11/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while celebrating my birthday, my friends hired a few escorts to make the party more interesting. This was a really bad way to learn that my sister is a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 19:58 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

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By oncehipjr - 3/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Hayward

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

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By fuckyouverymuch - 13/6/2013 10:16 - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

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Top comments

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

By DrownedMyFish | 18

#5897157 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:42

Hopefully you toucan settle this situation without it getting anymore hawkward than it already is.

COMMENTS

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

Acers1 | 13

#5897269 - Thursday 27 March 2014 12:02

acerredrum
we meet again

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897484 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:15

43 - Shutup Meg

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897485 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:16

Half the bird is fine, but what are you doing with the other half?

martialart1st18 | 19

#5897598 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:55

Haha I like this. Btw OP your roommate is a dumbass

xx000o | 27

#5897640 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

Don't worry, 5-6 years you will get used to it.

niallo | 23

#5897897 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:07

I'm ok with half the expense of taking care of the bird. As long as it's for getting it stuffed. No more screeching.

Marley_000 | 14

#5898631 - Friday 28 March 2014 22:50

In the meantime they can train it to get out of its cage and shit on their roommates stuff. It will earn it's keep.

By zandalee | 19

#5897149 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Just say no for the love of God!
Tell her to take the bird back, she is sharing a room with you!

scooterdude720 | 19

#5897378 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:41

The gender is not specified.

azaelgza98 | 5

#5897639 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

#58- Does it really matter?

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5897936 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:54

I'd teach the parrot to say something super annoying to them yet hilarious to me.

By emmingle | 24

#5897150 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Get a cat.

jogihoppa8343 | 23

#5897169 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:49

oh !!

miggles | 16

#5897267 - Thursday 27 March 2014 11:58

How is getting another pet gonna solve anything here? Unless the cat eats the parrot I guess, but still. Cats are assholes. ._.

kjack49044 | 18

#5897328 - Thursday 27 March 2014 13:59

That was the point of the comment.

B1ackthesun | 31

#5897383 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:52

Make sure it's an expensive pure breed op, and demand half of all costs including its purchase while you're at it.

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5906902 - Sunday 6 April 2014 22:49

Better yet, get a new roommate.

jaketr00 | 4

#6489901 - Monday 21 December 2015 5:15

Then make your old roommate pay for half of the utilities your new roommate uses.

By GEBEH | 14

#5897151 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:38

Or just let it out through the window.

chutney_02 | 22

#5897205 - Thursday 27 March 2014 9:34

Or just turn the parrot against your roommate

Emmiii_fml | 18

#5897242 - Thursday 27 March 2014 10:50

No that would be horrible. That parrot has most likely lived its whole life in a cage and won't know how to survive and find food outside.

kuzzy00 | 22

#5897493 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:31

You do realise domesticated animals still have basic inherited desires to scourge food.

kinky44 | 28

#5897600 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:57

Scrounge is the word you were looking for. Also, if a pet is raised to await a feeding, that is how it will behave unless trained otherwise.

alycion | 38

#5897674 - Thursday 27 March 2014 22:47

Yes 72 my husky shows it every night when he tries to counter surf. Yet he only does it when there is competition for resources, a foster dog in the home.