Animals: Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching....

By In urgent need of a new roommate - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Family values

Great parenting, dude

By Michael - 14/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Kearny

Stahp!

Today, I had to babysit my dying grandmother, so I brought up my guitar. She hadn't said anything to anyone today, and the first thing and only thing she said was, "Stop. Make it stop" to me when I played. FML

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By driverman12 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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By hornyloser - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By crosscountryfatigue

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

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By Erasmus - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By MomStayOutOfTheCar - United States

Today, I got a ticket for "suspicious driving" because my total shit of a mother kept tugging on the wheel to annoy me, and I still had to pay it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Dodged a bullet

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her father looked me up and down, said, “No” then went back to his TV. My girlfriend immediately broke up with me and threw me out. I even had to get a really expensive taxi home, because we’d driven in her car and I had no idea what part of the city I was in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By alyssabree42 - United States - Estacada

Today, I learned that when you hear a bump in the night, it's best not to check your parents' room. Some things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By friedchicken - Canada

Today, I was following my friend to her house in my car, because I didn't know where it was. I'd been following her for at least an hour when she pulled into a gas station. Turns out I'd been following the wrong car. I have no idea where I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

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By Catpiss - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 19:15

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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By kiddo - United States

Today, on my 18th birthday, my mom told me the man I thought was my father for 18 years was actually not my father, and my real father was in prison for murder. FML

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By NoComparison - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By Misty3242 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

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By turnedoff - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By tbreezy

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By GiWi - Ireland

Today, I asked my boss a simple question about a problem I was having with a project I am currently doing. He replied: ''You don't worry your sweet little ass about it babe". My boss is my girlfriend's father. Nice. FML

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By gj09 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By Rachael - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML

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By dgilbs - United States - Grosse Pointe

Today, my friends and I went out to dinner. Being short on cash, I suggested a game where we put our phones in the center of the table and first to check their phone had to pay the bill. Our conversation died out, and fearful of having an awkward silence, I checked my phone. FML

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By Anonymous

That's kinda handy!

Today, my boyfriend and I found out that we were cheating on each other with the same person. FML

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By Thongy - 7/4/2020 20:00 - Canada

Cultural differences

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

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By oh.geez - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

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By Idiot - 16/12/2020 19:58

Pencils down

Today, I took an exam, for which I have been studying for weeks, I was confident at first, but then really struggled with it. I finished with about ten minutes to spare, turned to what I thought would be the end of my paper and found the first page of questions I was supposed to have answered. FML

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By burnswhenipee - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

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By InsideActress - Canada

Today, the director of the play I'm in decided to explain why we got the parts we did. He said he tried matching our characters to who we actually are. I play a whore who's a transvestite. FML

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By Sleeeeeep - France

Today, I had to tell my doctor the real reason why I can't sleep at night for him to prescribe me anymore Ambien: I still have the irrational fear that there are monsters in the closet. I'm 22. FML

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Top comments

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

By DrownedMyFish | 18

#5897157 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:42

Hopefully you toucan settle this situation without it getting anymore hawkward than it already is.

COMMENTS

By acerredrum | 23

#5897148 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:36

Tell him okay but when you move out you expect half the bird.

Acers1 | 13

#5897269 - Thursday 27 March 2014 12:02

acerredrum
we meet again

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897484 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:15

43 - Shutup Meg

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5897485 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:16

Half the bird is fine, but what are you doing with the other half?

martialart1st18 | 19

#5897598 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:55

Haha I like this. Btw OP your roommate is a dumbass

xx000o | 27

#5897640 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

Don't worry, 5-6 years you will get used to it.

niallo | 23

#5897897 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:07

I'm ok with half the expense of taking care of the bird. As long as it's for getting it stuffed. No more screeching.

Marley_000 | 14

#5898631 - Friday 28 March 2014 22:50

In the meantime they can train it to get out of its cage and shit on their roommates stuff. It will earn it's keep.

By zandalee | 19

#5897149 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Just say no for the love of God!
Tell her to take the bird back, she is sharing a room with you!

scooterdude720 | 19

#5897378 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:41

The gender is not specified.

azaelgza98 | 5

#5897639 - Thursday 27 March 2014 21:44

#58- Does it really matter?

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5897936 - Friday 28 March 2014 4:54

I'd teach the parrot to say something super annoying to them yet hilarious to me.

By emmingle | 24

#5897150 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:37

Get a cat.

jogihoppa8343 | 23

#5897169 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:49

oh !!

miggles | 16

#5897267 - Thursday 27 March 2014 11:58

How is getting another pet gonna solve anything here? Unless the cat eats the parrot I guess, but still. Cats are assholes. ._.

kjack49044 | 18

#5897328 - Thursday 27 March 2014 13:59

That was the point of the comment.

B1ackthesun | 31

#5897383 - Thursday 27 March 2014 15:52

Make sure it's an expensive pure breed op, and demand half of all costs including its purchase while you're at it.

ThomasBombadil | 31

#5906902 - Sunday 6 April 2014 22:49

Better yet, get a new roommate.

jaketr00 | 4

#6489901 - Monday 21 December 2015 5:15

Then make your old roommate pay for half of the utilities your new roommate uses.

By GEBEH | 14

#5897151 - Thursday 27 March 2014 8:38

Or just let it out through the window.

chutney_02 | 22

#5897205 - Thursday 27 March 2014 9:34

Or just turn the parrot against your roommate

Emmiii_fml | 18

#5897242 - Thursday 27 March 2014 10:50

No that would be horrible. That parrot has most likely lived its whole life in a cage and won't know how to survive and find food outside.

kuzzy00 | 22

#5897493 - Thursday 27 March 2014 19:31

You do realise domesticated animals still have basic inherited desires to scourge food.

kinky44 | 28

#5897600 - Thursday 27 March 2014 20:57

Scrounge is the word you were looking for. Also, if a pet is raised to await a feeding, that is how it will behave unless trained otherwise.

alycion | 38

#5897674 - Thursday 27 March 2014 22:47

Yes 72 my husky shows it every night when he tries to counter surf. Yet he only does it when there is competition for resources, a foster dog in the home.