Miscellaneous: Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because... - FML

By fothermuckerrr - United States

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

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Understandable

Triage

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after we got home from the doctor's office, my mom checked the voicemail. Loud and clear, we both heard my boyfriend's break-up message. My parents had already forbidden me from dating. FML

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By allycat - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It will be good for her." FML

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By Liz0352 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By in_side_out - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By Hopelesslover - Malta

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML

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By

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By StevieMe - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

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By wheresmysweater - United States - Raleigh

Today, my trunk froze shut with my Christmas presents inside. Since it was still shut, I went to the store. When I came out, some ice had melted and the trunk had popped open. All of my gifts were gone. FML

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By It's-only15-lbs-extra

Not. Helping.

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

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By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By I.Want.Food. - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

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By homerr123 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

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By sugar - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 05:00

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By Shitmetalseller - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

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By witt75 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Miscommunication

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

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By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

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By nightmarestonite - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

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By Thankshun - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

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By Agamar - United States - Skokie

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 00:01 - United States

Don't let the bastards grind you down

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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By staciedee - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

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Top comments

By cc1992 | 11

#993245 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:06

What a shallow bitch! Ditch her, nobody wants a friend like that.

By zombieteef | 0

#993309 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:39

You should have told her you're only friends with her because her cuntish attitude makes everyone like you better.

COMMENTS

By matt1337c | 0

#993244 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:06

My Dick Itches

Reply

imlagginglol | 0

#993322 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:45

my balls do

Reply

ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#993449 - Friday 14 May 2010 14:21

my nipples are hard

Reply

mrguy266 | 0

#993556 - Friday 14 May 2010 16:46

my left fingernail itches too...

Reply

sammehsaurus | 0

#993754 - Saturday 15 May 2010 1:09

my medulla oblongata itches too..

Reply

PaintTheStars | 2

#993773 - Saturday 15 May 2010 2:01

i love unicorns

Reply

FYLorYDIohno | 12

#993838 - Saturday 15 May 2010 5:31

I love you

Reply

Creamysweeps | 5

#2719938 - Monday 20 June 2011 3:56

I love life

Reply

Palirose | 22

#3441089 - Sunday 16 October 2011 17:41

I hate life.

Reply

death_dolphin24 | 0

#3760389 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 10:02

Im using the C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5551140 - Tuesday 25 June 2013 6:32

Bacon is good

Reply

papashaan | 19

#5989558 - Friday 27 June 2014 2:14

Ball is life

Reply

TheKingOfHearts | 19

#6542285 - Monday 22 February 2016 3:32

only you can prevent forest fires

By cc1992 | 11

#993245 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:06

What a shallow bitch! Ditch her, nobody wants a friend like that.

Reply

damara3 | 0

#2799078 - Friday 1 July 2011 17:46

what a bitch! tell her to fuck off!

By fualignment | 0

#993246 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:07

probably joking, move on with your life

Reply

madaoxsan | 9

#3350944 - Monday 26 September 2011 19:56

@4 she'll probably say she was joking later..but it's one of those "yeah...I was joking (because it is funny, but it's also true and I don't want you to not be friends with me anymore)"

girls actually do this shit. trust me. they've confided a lot worse stuff they do/say to their "friends". they're horrible.

By xXSweetNightmare | 0

#993250 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:07

whataaa bitchhh. ):

By dax002 | 0

#993251 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:07

your friend is shallow, bin the bitch.

By x_HELLo_tHERE_x | 0

#993256 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:09

Well that's just mean. If you want to get back, just use her unconfident nature to your advantange. Or take the moral highroad; your choice.

By cookie_monster2 | 0

#993262 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:11

I thought u were going to delete ur account @ 1 & 2

By EcstacyVonVanity | 0

#993264 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:12

Get some plastic surgery then beat her up. Plain n Simple.

Reply

britterss | 0

#993276 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:17

that's when you punch her in the face, break her nose! then cut off a big chunk of her hair right on top and then ask her if she wants to go to the mall bc you want to be her friend since you're, now, prettier than her and she'll boost your confidence!!

Reply

cc1992 | 11

#993317 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:42

Good thinking britterss. Perfect plan!

By cookie_monster2 | 0

#993275 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:16

EDIT @ 1 & 7

By gingersnap23 | 0

#993278 - Friday 14 May 2010 12:17

well on the bright side your helping her :)