Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML
Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML
Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
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Top comments
dmipotc 0
how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out
youaresofucked 0
OOOOHHH NO!
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Comments (222)
AleshiaLouise 0
haha . oh my ! I agree with numberr , 12 . good answerr.
awesomedude09 0
A lot of people here are freaked out by your reaction to waking up like that but I think it makes sense. The sense of smell is supposed to have the best memory out of all the senses, and that includes touch. So since you smelled the peppermint, it brought up memories of your mom rather than memories of your girlfriend because someone was rubbing your dick.
mylifesucks97 0
Your mom used to **** you?!
raquelbrooke3 0
you are a total ass. if u dont like ur gf then break up with her. dont call her ugly. If i were her i would be out that door ina hear beat. You are a sick person and u have so many problems i cant even begin to describe them.
mixedchick 0
omg people he said it was the peppermint honestly if someone was waking me it doesnt matter if they are spanking my butt, if im groggy i will call my mom first ; it's instinctive she has woken me up for years and years and this guy said the peppermint reminded him too if you;re groggy anything can come out of your mouth and for me it's usually mom too but you guys are just going overboard it's embarrassing but it's not incestuous sheeshhh
c0letraing0w 0
X_X
Diligent17 4
Whoa dude, I feel so bad for ya. At least ur sense of smell was leading to a memory of your mom. Sadly it was seriously the wrong time. Hope your girlfriend understands this confusion.
gingermonster16 0
That is extremely akward. Shit, that's all I've got to say.
silly_kate 0
awkward, but agree with #183
gowzer90 0
mom? seriously? ffs man get a grip FYL