Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

49437

11843

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

Miscellaneous

Dementia or hate? You decide

Out of it

For the life of him indeed

By Noname - Canada

37789

13414

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

By Too Many Layers - United Kingdom - Newton Abbot

10857

744

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

By single&alone - United States - Seattle

39190

3477

Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML

By Drim - Canada

13061

31788

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

By Kylene - United States

19702

52641

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

By Bad Dancer - United States - Rock Hill

25917

3504

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

By fatcat - United States - Tulsa

3026

219

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

By Anonymous - Argentina

32311

3880

Today, I spent three hours painstakingly installing and configuring some parental control software on my 11-year-old son's laptop after I caught him watching porn. Barely an hour after returning the laptop, I caught him watching yet more porn on it. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

36211

14628

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

By fecurtis - United States

32528

13322

Today, at work I had to spend 2 hours cleaning up stinky toilet water. Why? Because yesterday, I forgot to turn on the septic tank pumps. The tank overflowed, and so did all the toilets. My boss is not happy. FML

By DogStew

Pumped-up Tanks

596

1773

Today, my $1300 mattress that I bought for my new home was delivered. To my old house. FML

By wolfwhowanders - United States - Grand Junction

9349

1610

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Waynesboro

31991

6079

Today, during an argument between me and my boyfriend, he called for his mom. She came up and told us both off and told us to stop screaming, as if we were kids. We are both well over 30. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 23:01 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Childlike

367

1029

Today, I was having lunch with my boyfriend and talking about how stressed out I've been because of my job. While I'm speaking, he pulls out his phone and says his boss is texting him and it was important. There was a game of Tetris reflecting onto his glasses from his phone. FML

By littlemissignored - United States

49714

7105

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

By omgwhyme - United States

56186

49238

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

By Kate - United States - Exton

2059

378

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

By bloodymatzaball - United States

11446

63330

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

By Anonymous - United States

42516

4877

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

720

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

By texasrose921 - United States - Springfield

20608

2739

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

By cachow - United States

13884

36263

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML

By Jogger - 19/8/2020 14:01

Stealth bomber

1468

111

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

By no name - United States - Gaylord

46678

3818

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mascotte

21509

1783

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

By Singlelady - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

11757

1147

Today, while practicing my gymnastics routine on the uneven bars, I was so distracted by my teammates' conversation about a party later that I miscalculated my flip and smacked my head on a bar. Ten stitches and a concussion later, I was left alone in the hospital. FML

By Anonymous - United States

31580

15585

Today, after getting in bed after a long day, I decided I would relieve some tension. Just as I'm ready to pop, in walks my grandma. I explode. My grandma, without missing a beat, just says, "Get cleaned up and go to bed. It's after twelve o'clock, you have to work in the morning." FML

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Onancock

How? Why?

902

308

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

By Well then

1914

349

Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML

By ThisIsMyLife

4462

1572

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

33229

4258

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

1692

183

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

4157

1120

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML

By jimbop - Canada

53807

10277

Today, my best friend invited me to dinner at his house. When I went to the toilet, I found my wife's wedding ring in a cup, which she'd lost a week ago. FML

By pop - France

40829

1991

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

22475

1799

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

43983

4365

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

By oww - United States - Tekonsha

12739

28499

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

By BadLuck - United Kingdom - Bicester

22858

2026

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

By justdoingmyjob - United States

56321

3122