Health: Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 309

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 126

08/05/2015 21:32

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 222

You deserved it 3 693

Health

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sorry…

Age difference

25/12/2014 20:20

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 147

You deserved it 2 491

14/08/2012 00:55

Today, my son displayed an interest in chess, and asked me to teach him to play. Five minutes in, I captured his queen. He screamed "SCREW THIS STUPID GAME", slammed his fist down on his pieces, and started crying because of the pain. He's fourteen years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 962

You deserved it 4 638

29/01/2015 19:18

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 297

You deserved it 4 693

19/08/2010 08:22

Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 931

You deserved it 38 970

Too much of a good thing

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 17:02

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 613

24/09/2010 04:53

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 638

You deserved it 53 202

15/07/2013 23:36

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 041

You deserved it 48 647

14/02/2019 14:52

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 973

You deserved it 3 353

20/02/2012 07:41

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 165

You deserved it 32 813

02/02/2015 00:43

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 975

You deserved it 2 970

11/02/2011 03:24

Today, I came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday. Turns out they didn't forget, they just couldn't be bothered to do anything for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 129

You deserved it 3 143

14/07/2015 12:00

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 964

You deserved it 1 928

13/08/2012 04:43

Today, while cooking, I managed to burn my finger. I quickly turned the tap on and ran my finger under cold water, but apparently someone had just used the hot tap, because boiling water flooded out onto my nicely scalded finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 062

You deserved it 3 330

One law for thee…

By Jules - 03/03/2021 14:01

Today, my country’s health minister said on TV, "Stay home! Don’t travel, don’t meet people!" The same evening, he drove to another state to have dinner with a group of people who gave money to his political party. He had taken a COVID test before. It came back positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 100

20/11/2009 09:30

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 670

You deserved it 3 190

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 1 021

24/10/2010 05:18

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 956

You deserved it 41 399

09/02/2013 01:00

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 422

You deserved it 2 889

10/02/2015 04:12

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 826

You deserved it 5 817

20/07/2012 02:11

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 308

You deserved it 2 416

Who's that weird guy?

By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 10:59

Today, I was trying to get a girl's attention, because I had a question. I shouted her name. No answer. I shouted again but louder. It wasn't her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 664

06/09/2013 16:10

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 790

You deserved it 3 756

04/06/2011 09:36

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 626

31/01/2009 05:37

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 369

You deserved it 3 462

11/11/2015 16:52

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 307

You deserved it 3 147

18/03/2016 10:42

Today, I realized how invisible I am when our professor was showing us that he knows the names of all the students in our class. When he reached me, he just smiled at me and skipped to the person next to me. I took 3 courses with this guy yet I'm the only one he didn't know the name of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 603

You deserved it 1 862

Toxic masculinity FTW

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 18:01

Today, I found that my boyfriend and his friend sends nudes of other girls to each other and then comment on them. When I confronted him, I was told that I was wrong for being upset "because this is just what men do". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 182

Life is unfair…

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 07:08

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 78

29/09/2009 02:57

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 211

You deserved it 3 181

05/01/2014 21:45

Today, I was at a baby shower with my wife. I went to go outside for some fresh air, but walked straight into their glass sliding door. Everyone stared at me. I smiled with embarrassment and walked back over to my wife, only to trip over my own feet and faceplant the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 592

You deserved it 7 537

26/01/2012 23:50

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 4 749

20/02/2009 18:42

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 210

You deserved it 2 604

11/08/2011 20:11

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 315

You deserved it 5 008

19/03/2016 12:40

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 917

You deserved it 3 595

16/03/2009 20:51

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127 192

You deserved it 46 350

26/05/2012 14:42

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 160

You deserved it 46 681

30/10/2009 21:24

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 946

You deserved it 5 415

No warning

By lol - 19/09/2021 11:00

Today, despite leaving early to go to work, I still ended up late because some dude decided to have an argument with the bus driver, delaying us by 20 minutes. As a result, I was fired without a write-up. This was my first ever time being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 52

15/10/2016 08:51

Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 971

14/10/2009 13:39

Today, I was participating in an exercise in my psychology class to describe this horrible looking person I had never seen before and I described the person as a "rebellious, drug dealing, lowlife". The person in that picture turned out to be my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 262

You deserved it 9 628

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Top comments

cOOkiEzRgOOd 22

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Hey, if you had nothing to do all day, enjoy your night! You sure will be awake for it.

ActionFearo 39

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Unless you're workin nights, get your sleeping schedule back on track and you'll feel better!!

Comments

wakemeupplease 21

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:17

You must be a morning person... not!!

cOOkiEzRgOOd 22

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Hey, if you had nothing to do all day, enjoy your night! You sure will be awake for it.

rachelottavia 16

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

I'd be glad to have sleep, if any. Maybe you could pick up a job with graveyard shifts if sleeping during the day suits you better!

ActionFearo 39

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Unless you're workin nights, get your sleeping schedule back on track and you'll feel better!!

alicecooperfan 18

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Sometimes you just need to sleep! Don't worry OP, I've done it before :-)

Steffi3 40

Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

Perfect time to move to a different timezone!

pxnk_rxck_bxtch 16

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

happens to the best of us, OP. sleep is sleep, and it's great that you at least felt well-rested!

wheresmymary 22

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

Ready to face the night*

Ecudaniel 16

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:26

Be a night owl and face the night :)

magikarpsmurfs 19

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Saturday 9 May 2015 20:27

Night time is more exciting anyways.