Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well...

By better late than never - 8/5/2015 21:32

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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Health

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Deep-seated resentment

By SoMuchForThatIdea - 12/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

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By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By huh? - 23/6/2020 05:02

No kidding

Today, I was ecstatic that the pregnancy test I took was negative. I went to high five my boyfriend as I told him the good news. Apparently, it’s monstrous, unladylike and weird for a woman to not want children. When I pointed out he doesn’t want kids either, he said, "That’s normal for guys." FML

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By unknown - 17/12/2012 11:37 - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2011 10:09

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By babyblues - 20/11/2012 19:45 - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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By spanishgirl101 - 10/2/2010 02:52 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

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By JerseyGirl - 4/9/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

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By sketchball - 5/10/2012 14:56 - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 02:16 - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

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By Amb - 1/6/2010 23:56 - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

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By Enanimus - 25/9/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 01:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

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By I'm a moron - 27/5/2019 14:03

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2012 11:38 - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By losingstreak - 31/1/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said "you know I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses". FML

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By anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 00:14 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

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By random - 13/5/2013 15:06 - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

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By blew it - 5/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

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By thekriss - 23/8/2012 20:28 - France - Paris

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By swollenpenis - 25/1/2013 06:11 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

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By kmjlevesque - 3/6/2020 02:00

Bye bye clothes

Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 23:14 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

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By auslander - 12/8/2009 20:13 - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 09:24 - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

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By Xbieblette51 - 19/8/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

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By Anon - 9/10/2013 05:21 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

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By Lyn - 6/7/2012 22:14 - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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By creeper-status - 5/5/2016 17:37 - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

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By feartheend511 - 19/8/2010 15:48 - United States

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 20:30

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

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By whatthef - 2/11/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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By J-Ro - 4/3/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By gross - 11/6/2016 07:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

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By ImNotFat - 18/2/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

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Top comments

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6286342 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Hey, if you had nothing to do all day, enjoy your night! You sure will be awake for it.

By ActionFearo | 39

#6286347 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Unless you're workin nights, get your sleeping schedule back on track and you'll feel better!!

COMMENTS

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6286339 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:17

You must be a morning person... not!!

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6286342 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Hey, if you had nothing to do all day, enjoy your night! You sure will be awake for it.

By rachelottavia | 16

#6286344 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

I'd be glad to have sleep, if any. Maybe you could pick up a job with graveyard shifts if sleeping during the day suits you better!

By ActionFearo | 39

#6286347 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Unless you're workin nights, get your sleeping schedule back on track and you'll feel better!!

By alicecooperfan | 18

#6286348 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:18

Sometimes you just need to sleep! Don't worry OP, I've done it before :-)

By Steffi3 | 40

#6286357 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

Perfect time to move to a different timezone!

By pxnk_rxck_bxtch | 16

#6286358 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

happens to the best of us, OP. sleep is sleep, and it's great that you at least felt well-rested!

By wheresmymary | 22

#6286359 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:21

Ready to face the night*

By Ecudaniel | 16

#6286365 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:26

Be a night owl and face the night :)

By magikarpsmurfs | 19

#6286366 - Saturday 9 May 2015 20:27

Night time is more exciting anyways.