Work: Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work...

By Shitty Boss Shitty Job - United States - Davenport

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

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51897

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Work

Serious times

Capitalism kills

Property law

By Dgama - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By Falafax - United States

Today, I auditioned for a part and made it because the director thought I would be "perfect" for the part and I was "just like the character in every way." The part is for a schizophrenic drug addict who everyone hates and is stabbed to death in the second scene. FML

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By Bilze - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By mperrotta913 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I caught my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been as mortifying if they weren't doing it in my room. FML

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By yankeebelle - United States

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtely pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status that I. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

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By lance - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

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By donotbelieveinsecondchances - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, my ex gave me a heartwarming speech about how much he wanted me back. After talking for hours and me finally wanting to get back together too, he started mentioning a date he has with a cute colleague. Conclusion: he wants to get back together, but still be able to fuck the entire world. FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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By Eddie - Israel

Today, I took my clothes off in front of my girlfriend for the first time. She made a weird face for a moment, then burst into laughter. She couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard she tried. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

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By homerde - France

Today, and even at this very moment, my ex, who I'm still in love with, is having sex with her new boyfriend. He's my neighbor and she's making a lot more noise with him than she did with me. FML

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By fuckall - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

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By Jessi - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally got to see my boyfriend, after two months apart. As we hugged, he lifted me up and spun me around like in the movies. It would have been really romantic if I hadn't hit a little boy while he was riding past on his bike. I've just traumatized a little kid. FML

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By tom0441 - Reserved

Today, I saw a father and son playing football in a car park when I was on my way to work. The ball rolled towards me so feeling nice I kicked it back to them. Turns out it went straight through their car window. FML

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By Charlie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By MY CAR - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

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By JPlays - United States - Henderson

Today, after days of working with a client on plans for a project, I received a message half way through completion saying the deal was off because "my prices were so low it seemed like a scam". FML

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By joshua - United States

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

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By wallet? GONE - United States - Pueblo

Today, I was mugged by a street preacher. The same one who'd earlier in the day screamed at me for being an evil sinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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By blairheir721 - United States

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

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By bear - Norway - Bod?

Today, it's been three weeks since I started using a hair-growth shampoo in the hopes of combating my balding. All it's done so far is make the hair I do have monstrously bushy, both upstairs and down. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

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By TimJack18 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By HM - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 08:01

Alexa, put on "Trust" by Low

Today, the first guy I have dated, and have had a serious relationship with after my divorce, is spending the night with his ex-girlfriend. And I'm supposed to be ok with it, “nothing's going to happen.” FML

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By ice ice baby - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

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By Renna303

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By nomorebeard - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By hairy - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 07:59

Bottom of the list

Today, after my boyfriend used to tell me that, with his demanding job, he just didn’t have the time or energy for a meaningful conversation with me. Thanks to COVID, he works 90% less now, finding time for online college, cooking and new furniture, yet didn’t invest even one extra minute into our couple. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

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By Alex - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

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Top comments

By _DudeGuy_ | 16

#5536035 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:47

Well, at least it's an extra days's pay.

By icadragoon | 11

#5536040 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:49

I'd go in, you're up anyway. Use the extra money you'll make to treat yourself on your next day off.

COMMENTS

By _DudeGuy_ | 16

#5536035 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:47

Well, at least it's an extra days's pay.

KeXu | 6

#5536054 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:54

And an extra day of work

Doxy | 22

#5536071 - Saturday 15 June 2013 16:00

Am I the only one who expects an FML where Op tells us all about how he worked on his day off and the boss didn't pay him seeing as it was his day off?

boredSOLDIER | 33

#5536252 - Saturday 15 June 2013 18:21

Not unless OP is on salary

By grahmagog | 14

#5536037 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:48

Call in sick quick...

firefighter925 | 18

#5536047 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:52

Yea like that's gonna work

Welshite | 39

#5536070 - Saturday 15 June 2013 16:00

OP: *coughs* Boss, I'm sick. I can't work today. I came down with something.
Boss: You were fine earlier.
OP: Things happen in an hour.

By IronMan3758 | 4

#5536039 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:49

Well sir I believe you should find a better job

LeFrogDog | 27

#5536055 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:54

I think you need a better comment

DeidaraAkatsuki | 17

#5536085 - Saturday 15 June 2013 16:09

Because it's soooo easy to find a better job, right?

By icadragoon | 11

#5536040 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:49

I'd go in, you're up anyway. Use the extra money you'll make to treat yourself on your next day off.

Enslaved | 36

#5536199 - Saturday 15 June 2013 17:37

I really like your way of thinking. (:
I'd work an extra day and put it towards a nice dinner out or a pedicure and of course, the wasted gas I used to get to work the first time.

By Aspen_Grace33 | 27

#5536042 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:50

I think you might need a calendar and he might need to learn common courtesy. If your boss wanted you to stay, they should have asked you while you were still there or at least before you made it all the way back home!!!

dodzin | 9

#5536766 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:04

I had similar situation at my office. An office manager who is 10 years younger did not let me know if I am
Off or not and, when I came, yelled at me for coming.

By KidTajic | 13

#5536046 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:52

Just like when I wake up for school. Only to find out school has been cancel. -.-

Enslaved | 36

#5536210 - Saturday 15 June 2013 17:47

Except when they cancel the cancel and you now have to go to school. :P

To me, waking up to find out school is canceled has never been a bad thing. Why sleep when it's a free day? (: Time to fill it with some fun!

By AHappyGoth | 14

#5536050 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:53

Welcome to retail.

By mattrd_fml | 31

#5536064 - Saturday 15 June 2013 15:57

shouldn't have picked up the if you saw it was your boss calling.

By CrissyyyS2 | 22

#5536067 - Saturday 15 June 2013 16:00

Might as well, right? Just another day to get paid for. Make some extra money for that gas you wasted to go back and forth.

By perdix | 29

#5536068 - Saturday 15 June 2013 16:00

"You up?"

Next time you have a day off, get your head out of your ass and use it to have fun. We get way too few of those, and I have little sympathy for boneheads who don't use them.

girlbye23 | 15

#5536276 - Saturday 15 June 2013 18:48

Except some people would rather sleep, especially if they don't get a lot of it when they're working. I for one would sleep half the day.