Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot... - FML

By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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Everyone's an expert

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 11:00 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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By nameless - 12/7/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

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By a faint recollection - 23/5/2016 01:57 - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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By TMI - 5/8/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By engineerdude91 - 20/10/2010 03:01 - United States

Today, I realized the benefits at Burger King are better than at my company. I'm an engineer, have three degrees, speak three languages fluently, and work at a multi-billion dollar company. The guy flipping burgers has better health care and more corporate 401k contributions than I do. FML

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By KoNi - 21/11/2008 07:23 - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By L - 16/10/2012 22:59 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I woke up after having a dream which included sex with a very hot guy. I realized it's about time I get laid, because the hot guy was Brock from Pokémon. FML

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By ch,nlv - 14/5/2018 01:30

Today, my husband and I did artificial insemination. At the hospital, they mixed up the sperm and didn't realize until it was too late. I'm now pregnant with a stranger's baby. FML

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By Misterhippo - 2/9/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

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By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/5/2020 02:00

Late arrival

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

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By Preggers - 14/3/2017 20:00

Such a helpful kitty!

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

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By BrokeBride - 14/8/2014 07:15 - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

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By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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By Pelly - 23/6/2016 10:26 - Belgium - Kasterlee

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 15:47 - United States - Peachtree City

Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML

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By notinterested - 13/9/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 19:56 - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 06:00

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

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By peacexout108 - 8/11/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

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By danrocketman - 5/10/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I got a job in my university library. My job title is technical services. My actual job is pulling off the book label for the scanner and putting a new one on. For six hours a day. FML

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By CrimsonChin - 26/8/2017 04:30

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

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By southernluxe - 4/9/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

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By nohalloweenforus - 31/10/2016 15:22

Today, it's Halloween and my boss changed his mind at the last minute, telling us we're no longer allowed to carve pumpkins in our lunch hour because, "It would be too distracting". What are we supposed to do with 12 pumpkins now? FML

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By cars hate me - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - 25/4/2016 20:14 - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By dawg3360 - 7/6/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

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By Worstjob - 3/3/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

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By lisa - 22/12/2010 18:03 - United States

Today, my recently married friend took off her wedding ring to make bread. Being single and pathetic, I tried it on to see what it would look like. It got stuck on my finger. The ER doctor had to cut it off. FML

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By monkeywrench - 30/8/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By ninja breakup? - 11/10/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 18:00

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

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Top comments

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6235412 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

By Rayth | 19

#6235417 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

Comments

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6235412 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

Reply

khaoticpanda | 28

#6235508 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:11

You would think there would be a difference in thickness, or smell. Like having red liquid on your head and smelling hair dye, not the SUPER recognizable scent of blood?

Reply

gobiteme2 | 34

#6235540 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:13

I was wondering if OP is a natural Beach Blonde

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#6235932 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 12:43

23- maybe the scent of the shampoo and soap covered the scent of the blood/hair dye. Or maybe OP is anosmic, you never know. I am, it didn't even occur to me that you'd be able to smell the difference until I read your comment.

By rossea | 21

#6235413 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Imagine the scenario if she wasn't there to remind you. Would you have gone to hospital?

Reply

TheCookieComet | 23

#6235632 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:28

You would think if it were blood she would be in some sort of pain.. without her friend she probably would've realized she made a human mistake and went back inside.

By Rayth | 19

#6235417 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

By brandon3747 | 16

#6235424 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

How could you forget that?

Reply

rlt94 | 9

#6235483 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:44

Crazy party. Possibly meaning drunk. haha

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6235582 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:09

Also probably till late

By hailzz_96 | 18

#6235428 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

You didn't look in the mirror to check where you were "bleeding" from? How did you not notice your whole head being red. And if you did why would you think it was blood?

By hippodankamus | 22

#6235430 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

"And that's when she remembered it was green hair dye..." *DUN DUN DUN*

Reply

juggaloapple | 1

#6235495 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:55

She said it was died red. Not green. Smh. -.-

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6235519 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:26

Woosh, there goes that joke, straight over your shaking head!

Reply

Jay0501 | 21

#6235560 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:43

I didn't know hair could die red..

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6235734 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 7:10

#25, if you used the Hubble telescope, you MAY be able to see the joke flying over him.

By TheFangedDonut | 13

#6235434 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

BLOODY hell, that story scared me (get it? I'm not funny, am I?)

Reply

pureportedpear | 27

#6235454 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:24

No you are not xD ❤️

By lukian_fml | 29

#6235436 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

Do you not have a mirror?

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6235438 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

I think someone wasn't sober while showering... party hard :D

By Jinxsie | 27

#6235440 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

Uh... At least it wasn't really blood?