Health: Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot... - FML

By Iwtumn - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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Understandable

Triage

Family extension

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

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By lion2294 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

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By Upside-Down Sleeper. - United States - Pasadena

Today, I went to the yearly town carnival with my friends. I hadn't slept well the night before and when I got onto the scariest ride, I somehow fell half asleep. I woke up upside down and ended up peeing myself in terror. FML

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By fredo - United States - Ames

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

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By I have wood - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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By wowthanksworld - United States

Today, I was on the subway when I felt like I was going to faint. I got off the train at the next stop, walked to a bench, but fell over and passed out. When I woke up, I looked around at at least 25 people, who had stepped around me, passed out, in the middle of the platform. FML

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By Worst City in the World

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

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By NeedToBeMessier - United States - Hardwick

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

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By mylifeeee - United States

Today, in art class we finally had the critique for the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critique a few and come to mine. Everyone is silent. Finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nods. FML

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By idiotfriend - United States

Today, I rented some movies in attempts to cheer up my best friend. Her husband just died a few weeks ago in a helicopter accident. I was in a rush and didn't read the descriptions of the two films, one was about a plane crash where all the passengers died. She cried through the entire movie. FML

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By civicman - Canada

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

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By Broken - 7/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Toledo

Healthcare for all

Today, thanks to America's opiate epidemic, I can no receive the pain management I require for broken ribs. FML

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By fuggers :/ - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 28/11/2020 14:02

What a catch

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years responded to my opening up about how I felt like I was always put on the back burner, was to ghost me for a week, and break up via text. Don't worry though, we can still be friends and maybe later, when he's ready, start the relationship again. FML

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By fatface - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me when my face was going to go back to normal after being swollen from having my wisdom teeth taken out last week. My face is back to normal. FML

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By BK2017 - United States - Orlando

Today, after an extremely stressful day, I took a hot bath when I got home. I used my little sister's bubble bath to make it more enjoyable and relaxing. I then broke out in hives. I guess I'm allergic to bubble bath. FML

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By lefthandspanker - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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By K123 - United States

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend telling me he still likes me and might love me too. Later I asked him if he really meant it and his response was "I don't know. I was high." FML

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By UglyGirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I went to a job interview at a small family-owned business. After the interview, the owner's son took me into his office and told me I'm not getting the job and to get out, because apparently, the old man thinks I'm "possessed by a demon". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By just a joke - 8/6/2020 20:08

He has issues

Today, I playfully drew thick eyebrows on my one-year-old son to make him look like a cartoon villain. He laughed cutely in the mirror as I took some adorable pictures. When my husband saw, he threw such a horrendous fit about boys and makeup, I was reduced to tears. FML

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By screamo - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my brother. There was a very attractive man sitting a few tables away who kept glancing at me. When my brother excused himself to the bathroom, the man worked up the courage to come over and introduce himself to me. He asked me if my brother was single. FML

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By Brook - Australia - Sydney

Today, when my doctor told me I had symptoms of an STD, I had to repeatedly try to convince her I'm a 28-year-old virgin. Even as I left she still didn't believe me. FML

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By AllyCat - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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By laundryduty

Today, I was doing laundry at work. I work at a spay/neuter clinic and was about to throw in a load of towels when I noticed something in the washer. It looked like one of the detergent packets we use. It was a testicle. FML

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By YouBossturd - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By HomelessGirl1 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

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By NotChadKrouger

The Voice

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

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By Catherine - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to drive my car through a flock of vultures eating road kill. Since a bird hit the mirror and broke it, I now have to pay for a replacement. FML

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By BrokenVow - Canada

Today, my mom came into my room to have a heart to heart talk. My dildo was sitting on the nightstand. I didn't notice until she told me to make sure the dog didn't get it. FML

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Top comments

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6235412 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

By Rayth | 19

#6235417 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

COMMENTS

By Blue_Black_fml | 21

#6235412 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

Reply

khaoticpanda | 28

#6235508 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:11

You would think there would be a difference in thickness, or smell. Like having red liquid on your head and smelling hair dye, not the SUPER recognizable scent of blood?

Reply

gobiteme2 | 34

#6235540 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:13

I was wondering if OP is a natural Beach Blonde

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#6235932 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 12:43

23- maybe the scent of the shampoo and soap covered the scent of the blood/hair dye. Or maybe OP is anosmic, you never know. I am, it didn't even occur to me that you'd be able to smell the difference until I read your comment.

By rossea | 21

#6235413 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Imagine the scenario if she wasn't there to remind you. Would you have gone to hospital?

Reply

TheCookieComet | 23

#6235632 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:28

You would think if it were blood she would be in some sort of pain.. without her friend she probably would've realized she made a human mistake and went back inside.

By Rayth | 19

#6235417 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

By brandon3747 | 16

#6235424 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

How could you forget that?

Reply

rlt94 | 9

#6235483 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:44

Crazy party. Possibly meaning drunk. haha

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6235582 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:09

Also probably till late

By hailzz_96 | 18

#6235428 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

You didn't look in the mirror to check where you were "bleeding" from? How did you not notice your whole head being red. And if you did why would you think it was blood?

By hippodankamus | 22

#6235430 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

"And that's when she remembered it was green hair dye..." *DUN DUN DUN*

Reply

juggaloapple | 1

#6235495 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:55

She said it was died red. Not green. Smh. -.-

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6235519 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:26

Woosh, there goes that joke, straight over your shaking head!

Reply

Jay0501 | 21

#6235560 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:43

I didn't know hair could die red..

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6235734 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 7:10

#25, if you used the Hubble telescope, you MAY be able to see the joke flying over him.

By TheFangedDonut | 13

#6235434 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

BLOODY hell, that story scared me (get it? I'm not funny, am I?)

Reply

pureportedpear | 27

#6235454 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:24

No you are not xD ❤️

By lukian_fml | 29

#6235436 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

Do you not have a mirror?

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6235438 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

I think someone wasn't sober while showering... party hard :D

By Jinxsie | 27

#6235440 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

Uh... At least it wasn't really blood?