Health: Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25

You deserved it 3

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 718

17/03/2015 16:52

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 621

You deserved it 17 211

Own it

Late term

Mama's boy

30/03/2011 18:26

Spicy

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 427

You deserved it 8 276

No future

By Bryan - 15/06/2021 16:00

Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 91

20/05/2013 16:02

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 211

You deserved it 4 656

08/07/2009 17:51

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 536

You deserved it 12 359

17/12/2012 23:12

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 918

You deserved it 8 634

12/11/2009 20:34

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 030

You deserved it 9 621

13/12/2010 18:10

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 987

You deserved it 4 277

Cynophobia

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 04:01

Today, my new boyfriend is so scared of dogs that he won’t even go in the room where my new puppy's bed is, so even on the days when he’s at home not working, I still have to pay the lad next door to come round and let it into the garden for a pee, because he’s too scared to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 646

11/01/2018 20:00

Spicy

Today, while celebrating my birthday, my friends hired a few escorts to make the party more interesting. This was a really bad way to learn that my sister is a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 593

You deserved it 897

07/09/2014 04:52

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 653

You deserved it 2 943

23/01/2011 01:35

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 470

You deserved it 35 960

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 04:02

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 1 010

Kinda sweet

By cakegirl - 26/05/2009 01:15

Today, my boyfriend invited me over, so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom handed me a box. When I got home, I opened it. His mom had baked me a break-up cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 366

You deserved it 3 798

08/01/2010 11:48

Spicy

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 892

You deserved it 50 789

03/03/2013 08:27

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 144

You deserved it 3 056

10/01/2010 17:36

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 573

You deserved it 3 526

05/11/2013 13:22

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 439

You deserved it 5 807

27/03/2011 06:10

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 062

You deserved it 5 176

22/09/2012 04:54

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 544

You deserved it 3 033

14/06/2012 14:54

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 104

You deserved it 4 715

17/01/2010 15:18

Today, my mother woke me up at 4:30 A.M. to tell me our dog was running down the street. I ran for an hour, chasing after her. Turns out it was our new neighbor's dog. Ours was in our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 832

You deserved it 4 117

01/10/2012 21:09

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 013

You deserved it 2 336

15/08/2009 16:58

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 153

You deserved it 3 235

03/12/2018 12:00

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 920

You deserved it 362

25/09/2013 22:12

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 561

You deserved it 3 523

29/10/2011 08:56

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. He was drunk and won't remember any of this tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 541

You deserved it 3 833

18/03/2015 21:26

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 916

You deserved it 5 959

07/01/2010 07:13

Today, my college professor/employer failed to send in a letter I had been counting on for a scholarship application. He has also decided not to pay me for the last two months. I'm not going to make rent. Apparently this is the punishment you get for politely declining a date with a married man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 867

You deserved it 2 896

Cold reading

By Anonymous - 06/12/2014 21:52

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 779

You deserved it 3 593

15/09/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325

You deserved it 2 950

24/12/2009 20:10

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 658

You deserved it 13 334

15/02/2010 17:02

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 657

You deserved it 2 746

22/05/2009 22:21

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 533

You deserved it 3 805

19/01/2016 06:47

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 569

You deserved it 1 902

15/01/2009 15:05

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 20 589

Nice try

By forgottenbday - 11/07/2012 05:09

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, and a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 501

You deserved it 2 742

02/06/2013 08:29

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 087

You deserved it 5 672

Coworker from hell

By stupid! - 02/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I was studying my anatomy book for nursing school while in the break room at my day job. My nosy-ass, ignorant coworker who always finds a way to butt into everyone’s business told the front office I was looking at porn. I got written up for, "displaying offensive materials." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 65

11/12/2010 07:04

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 752

You deserved it 6 188

08/01/2016 18:23

Today, I bailed my brother out of jail for violating a restraining order filed against him by his ex. I dropped him off at the place he told me he was staying at. Turned out it was his ex's house, and now he's in jail again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 042

You deserved it 3 531

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Top comments

Blue_Black_fml 21

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

Rayth 19

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

Comments

Blue_Black_fml 21

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Sorry to say this OP, but you're an idiot..

khaoticpanda 28

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:11

You would think there would be a difference in thickness, or smell. Like having red liquid on your head and smelling hair dye, not the SUPER recognizable scent of blood?

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:13

I was wondering if OP is a natural Beach Blonde

VeganVampyre 26

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 12:43

23- maybe the scent of the shampoo and soap covered the scent of the blood/hair dye. Or maybe OP is anosmic, you never know. I am, it didn't even occur to me that you'd be able to smell the difference until I read your comment.

rossea 21

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Imagine the scenario if she wasn't there to remind you. Would you have gone to hospital?

TheCookieComet 23

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:28

You would think if it were blood she would be in some sort of pain.. without her friend she probably would've realized she made a human mistake and went back inside.

Rayth 19

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:13

A bit forgetful are we?

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

How could you forget that?

rlt94 9

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:44

Crazy party. Possibly meaning drunk. haha

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:09

Also probably till late

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

You didn't look in the mirror to check where you were "bleeding" from? How did you not notice your whole head being red. And if you did why would you think it was blood?

hippodankamus 22

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:17

"And that's when she remembered it was green hair dye..." *DUN DUN DUN*

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:55

She said it was died red. Not green. Smh. -.-

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:26

Woosh, there goes that joke, straight over your shaking head!

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:43

I didn't know hair could die red..

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 7:10

#25, if you used the Hubble telescope, you MAY be able to see the joke flying over him.

TheFangedDonut 13

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

BLOODY hell, that story scared me (get it? I'm not funny, am I?)

pureportedpear 27

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:24

No you are not xD ❤️

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:18

Do you not have a mirror?

wakemeupplease 21

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

I think someone wasn't sober while showering... party hard :D

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Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:19

Uh... At least it wasn't really blood?