Miscellaneous: Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time...

By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Sick burn

Backwards world

By Crappyfayman - United States

Today, someone gave me a note to pass along to a girl in class. The note had the girl's name surrounded by hearts. When I gave it to her, she assumed it was a love note from me, and said "Not in a million years, fat ass" before I could say it was from someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paramus

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

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By Raptorcake - Australia - Calwell

Today, it's my birthday and I celebrated with friends. I now have 34 individual copies of the first Twilight movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

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By NormtheNorm - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

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By crazybiotch - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

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By fatmom - United Kingdom - Royal Tunbridge Wells

Today, I came home from work to find my son and his friends attempting to find out how many of them could fit into one of my pairs of pants. So far, five. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, I got a spray tan. The lady asked what shade I wanted to be, and joking, I said the darkest. She took it seriously. Now no one can recognize me, and I have work tomorrow. FML

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By Mick_The_Disappointment

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

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By danielesnaranjo

Drunk online shopping FTW!

Today, after waking up with the worst hangover in years, I got a bank notification that my credit card was maxed out. Apparently, I bought a $1500 plane ticket for my ex-girlfriend to come over this weekend. She’s in South America. FML

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By - United States - Bedford Hills

Today, my co-workers and I have to fight for our jobs because of a mistake our managers made. They get to keep their jobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

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By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

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By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

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By baby.momma2 - 18/3/2021 14:01

Trust issues

Today, I found out that while I was pregnant, my boyfriend asked at least one other woman for nudes. He claims it was a drunk mistake and wants to "keep his little family together." FML

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By SADlilAZN - United States

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Guadalupe

Today, I dressed up in my nicest clothes and spent ages putting makeup on before going to a nightclub, hoping to meet someone nice. The only person who acknowledged me was a guy who yelled, "Hey, wanna fuck?! Not like anyone else would ever touch you, am I right?!" FML

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By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

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By Great. - United States - Billings

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML

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By paulwatson93 - United States

Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

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By Worst City in the World

Today, I traveled through a winter storm to NYC. After a miserable interview, I got in my car and drove only 200 feet before being pulled over and ticketed for momentarily picking up my GPS. Today's total: 5 points, $150, no new job, and 6 hours of driving in a Nor'easter. FML

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By john doe - United States - Portland

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found that my "lesbian" best friend and roommate is now dating the guy I've been trying to get a date with for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By chocofreak - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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By beautifulme - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

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By Penny

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By bob - United Kingdom - London

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

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By Anonomous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

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By frustrated - Australia

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

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By Seriously - United States

Today, my son's homework was to write a story about what he wants to be when he grows up. He wrote that he plans on being unemployed and living at home until we throw him out, then he'll live under a bridge. He's only 12, but already planning for a future as an unemployed bum. FML

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Top comments

By carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681833 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

Your mum needs to get over herself.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5681834 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

And that's why you don't visit her again

COMMENTS

By M3DIC4T3 | 29

#5681832 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681838 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

No one cares.

Jemm_fml | 29

#5681851 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:54

Mods, instead of deleting this comment, edit it into something fabulous.

By carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681833 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

Your mum needs to get over herself.

icyhottt | 11

#5681883 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:15

She sounds like a very...... artistic, lady

Arrow44 | 10

#5681899 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:30

Um I think OP needs to re-evaluate her attitude. I mean, who doesn't check in before going somewhere to pick an outfit? Geez, people nowadays.

fantita495 | 19

#5681910 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:46

#29 was being sarcastic...

micha090 | 21

#5682103 - Friday 20 September 2013 19:20

OP your mom is going to be alone with no relatives or friends if shes's going to behave this way.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5681834 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

And that's why you don't visit her again

SpaceRaptor | 8

#5682185 - Friday 20 September 2013 20:02

And burn the house down?

SolarFlare | 20

#5682379 - Friday 20 September 2013 23:18

simple, paint her decor in the color of your outfit.

kitkatmeOw | 8

#5682584 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:09

Or when selecting nursing homes, find the one with the most obnoxious decor.

By jrock9093 | 18

#5681836 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

So dumb, you didn't want to be there any ways

Likian5 | 26

#5682604 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:34

OP never said she didn't want to go visit her mother.

By Angel_of_Night | 10

#5681840 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

Wow.. Somebody took their bitchy pill.

FrietvanPiet | 16

#5681903 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:34

I'd rather say forgot to take their prescription pills.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5681985 - Friday 20 September 2013 17:57

Everyone knows house wives need their Xanax or else they get all out of whack. Hurry, OP, refill the script or you'll have loose cannon aimed right at you!