Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time...

By wat - 20/9/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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Miscellaneous

Banished

Business savvy

Mixed signals

By Man Shamed - 29/6/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

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By confused - 28/9/2011 04:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

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By anon - 12/12/2014 01:43 - United States - Commack

Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML

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By nope! - 4/3/2020 12:00

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

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By AE86Turbo - 3/5/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By Cherie - 31/8/2009 21:18 - United States

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2015 22:49 - United States

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend asked if he could come over and hang out. He only came because he ran out of food at his house. FML

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By unhappystudent - 14/12/2016 12:32 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

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By longday - 25/7/2010 06:13 - Canada

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

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By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - 12/9/2016 10:51 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

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By ZombiKilla - 16/8/2016 02:46 - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

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By TheGoodTwin - 14/7/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's the grieving widow of his friend who died three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By BlueyedKat - 27/2/2016 06:03 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found out that the money I spent on a very specific degree was wasted, because apparently, I don't qualify for a job at the place that told me I had to have that degree. FML

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By pickit - 25/2/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

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By anti-peecleaner - 22/11/2010 22:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

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By WhosGoingToCleanThisUp - 26/2/2016 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

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By Becca - 29/8/2019 04:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By Saphira - 11/11/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML

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By need my own place - 24/10/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

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By ilovezim29 - 3/6/2012 07:45 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By Nighty-nitrogen - 10/5/2016 00:07 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By Sgt_Jackrum - 5/2/2016 10:27 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

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By asdfasdf - 24/1/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

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By And I'm still single - 24/3/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - 30/6/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 16:32 - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

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By calidumbass - 14/1/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

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By Abyssal - 4/4/2011 18:29 - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

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By Crippled - 27/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2018 15:00

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By cass - 10/5/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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Top comments

By carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681833 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

Your mum needs to get over herself.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5681834 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

And that's why you don't visit her again

COMMENTS

By M3DIC4T3 | 29

#5681832 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681838 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

No one cares.

Jemm_fml | 29

#5681851 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:54

Mods, instead of deleting this comment, edit it into something fabulous.

By carOLinneeeeeee | 8

#5681833 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

Your mum needs to get over herself.

icyhottt | 11

#5681883 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:15

She sounds like a very...... artistic, lady

Arrow44 | 10

#5681899 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:30

Um I think OP needs to re-evaluate her attitude. I mean, who doesn't check in before going somewhere to pick an outfit? Geez, people nowadays.

fantita495 | 19

#5681910 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:46

#29 was being sarcastic...

micha090 | 21

#5682103 - Friday 20 September 2013 19:20

OP your mom is going to be alone with no relatives or friends if shes's going to behave this way.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5681834 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:46

And that's why you don't visit her again

SpaceRaptor | 8

#5682185 - Friday 20 September 2013 20:02

And burn the house down?

SolarFlare | 20

#5682379 - Friday 20 September 2013 23:18

simple, paint her decor in the color of your outfit.

kitkatmeOw | 8

#5682584 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:09

Or when selecting nursing homes, find the one with the most obnoxious decor.

By jrock9093 | 18

#5681836 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

So dumb, you didn't want to be there any ways

Likian5 | 26

#5682604 - Saturday 21 September 2013 3:34

OP never said she didn't want to go visit her mother.

By Angel_of_Night | 10

#5681840 - Friday 20 September 2013 15:47

Wow.. Somebody took their bitchy pill.

FrietvanPiet | 16

#5681903 - Friday 20 September 2013 16:34

I'd rather say forgot to take their prescription pills.

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5681985 - Friday 20 September 2013 17:57

Everyone knows house wives need their Xanax or else they get all out of whack. Hurry, OP, refill the script or you'll have loose cannon aimed right at you!