Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her...

By boobswerehere - 7/7/2016 07:15 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five-year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

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Kids

Family values

Don't give up

Noise

By holly - 18/7/2010 14:18 - Germany

Today, I was practising the violin in my apartment. A man knocked on the door and introduced himself with a smile, saying he wanted to know my "schedule." I replied, "I'm pretty busy but maybe we could get a drink sometime." To which he replied, "No, I just want to know when you'll stop." FML

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By climber - 21/4/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

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4171

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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28483

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By iltdtsm - 15/8/2009 16:58 - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

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48103

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By Anon - 25/11/2009 01:54 - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

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37680

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By John - 30/6/2011 08:18 - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

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By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/6/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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3519

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1433

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By selfdefense - 12/10/2009 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley" - 27/11/2019 20:00

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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1537

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2018 01:30

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

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2238

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By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By JoanT - 31/8/2020 20:01 - United States - Kailua Kona

Bed of nails

Today, my boyfriend’s bed is so uncomfortable that even after six months of not seeing him, I’m sleeping on the floor so I can actually get some sleep. FML

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1113

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157

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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1596

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By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

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By dilligaf - 27/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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30268

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

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By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

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29822

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 18:14 - Canada

Today, my sister was playing a rock star in a play. When she got home, she told me she used one of my old guitars, because I told her it was ok. I said she could take one to practice on, not destroy on stage. FML

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33944

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By omfgwhywhywhy - 22/3/2020 19:18 - United States

Deliverude

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1618

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By Jong - 10/3/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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74144

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By confiancedecrise - 22/5/2017 16:00

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

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4571

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By hatetheroommate - 16/4/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

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27687

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By lostandconfused - 31/5/2019 05:00

Today, I was teaching a class of 17-year-old Japanese boys English. Tripping over a school bag, I caught my foot in the bottom of my very loose elastic trousers. I pulled them down with my foot as I stumbled, exposing my underwear to all 40 students. FML

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1625

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 05:50

Today, my Dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

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51961

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By Ovie - 25/7/2019 22:00

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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441

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

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29946

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By wrong state for that shit - 22/8/2020 04:48 - United States - Hesperia

Weird accusation, lady

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML

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56954

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By jasondrags - 3/7/2015 13:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

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26813

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 01:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 21:29 - United States - Augusta

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

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29539

You deserved it

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By Aly - 15/8/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

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31543

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By notgay - 21/6/2015 06:04 - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

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28603

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By thedd - 18/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

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53994

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By - 27/2/2019 20:00

Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

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2175

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By Bethany - 20/1/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

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37319

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By Tali - 28/7/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6645063 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:43

That kid needs to watch more Sesame Street and less Family Guy.

By Emma1562 | 35

#6645048 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:21

At least you're not a guy...

COMMENTS

By Emma1562 | 35

#6645048 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:21

At least you're not a guy...

JMichael | 25

#6645206 - Friday 8 July 2016 0:33

what if OP...is? ?

bwup | 15

#6645213 - Friday 8 July 2016 1:05

How dare you assume their gender and the gender of the icon they picked out?!?!

feven | 32

#6645223 - Friday 8 July 2016 1:49

Yeah come on! It's 2016. The female gender icon obviously represents something else.

childproofpizza | 19

#6646608 - Sunday 10 July 2016 1:29

I sexually identify as a 1997 ford taurus

X_Gon_Giv_ItToYa | 9

#6646679 - Sunday 10 July 2016 3:54

I have a 97 Mercury tracer, basically the cheap and no-bells and whistles version

By mattrd_fml | 31

#6645057 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:34

get a breast reduction?

fakedsincerity | 32

#6645217 - Friday 8 July 2016 1:23

Yeah, change your body and have a potentially dangerous and expensive surgery over the word of a five year old kids. What.

Thegoofygoober | 15

#6645356 - Friday 8 July 2016 5:47

whoah easy there triggered Mcgee #34

fakedsincerity | 32

#6645450 - Friday 8 July 2016 10:22

Woah, edgy #48.
Chill out.

dihannasaurus | 9

#6645945 - Saturday 9 July 2016 3:41

are you kidding me?

By Jatok | 17

#6645061 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:40

Hey, twin peaks are better than a bumpy plain.

By DocBastard | 38

#6645063 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:43

That kid needs to watch more Sesame Street and less Family Guy.

Nicole_S_ | 13

#6645319 - Friday 8 July 2016 4:33

everyone get your glasses out, I'm using the mind eraser

mattyiscool123 | 26

#6646025 - Saturday 9 July 2016 6:42

More like anime

By Yapiej | 21

#6645064 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:47

Have a laugh about it and see if his mom can change his attitude/reaction towards you :).

By wonandonly | 11

#6645065 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:52

Do you, by any chance, look like Drake Bell or Josh Peck?

By Mowmee | 14

#6645066 - Thursday 7 July 2016 17:54

Hopefully he didn't know what the word meant or you best friend told him to say that as a joke!

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6645138 - Thursday 7 July 2016 20:50

I've worked with children over 10 years. Typically around 4-5 they find out the words for privates parts, and like to talk about it.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6645068 - Thursday 7 July 2016 18:00

this is where the photo fml would come in handy

ayyylmaoo | 6

#6645070 - Thursday 7 July 2016 18:10

i like the way u think

Recon13x | 9

#6645219 - Friday 8 July 2016 1:41

yes of course...for research

By PainInTheAsss | 16

#6645080 - Thursday 7 July 2016 18:30

It might help if you show less cleavage...

Tripartita | 44

#6645082 - Thursday 7 July 2016 18:46

Nowhere in this FML is cleavage mentioned, but if somebody does something socially unacceptable in response to cleavage, the onus is not on the person with the bearer of boobs to change behavior.

Not to mention, as a somewhat straight man myself, I cannot figure it why on earth people are advocating for LESS cleavage! Surely we want MORE!

DanielleinDC | 32

#6645096 - Thursday 7 July 2016 19:23

It would help if the little brat's parents taught him to be respectful of others.

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6645110 - Thursday 7 July 2016 19:51

I have a 5 yr old, if mine said that I would laugh like hell because he doesn't think in sexual terms. I'd definetly talk to him about why we don't say things like that but children that age seldom mean things the way we interpret them.

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6645139 - Thursday 7 July 2016 20:52

Yes, because you can only tell someone has boobs if they have a low cut top.

By Elgrin | 15

#6645083 - Thursday 7 July 2016 18:47

Was he wrong though?