Health: Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there... - FML

By busybee - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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Family values

Dangling modifier

Fashion Police

By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

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By Ralph - United States - Candler

Today, I learned that my roommate doesn't actually know a damn thing about cooking. I'm suffering the effects of him telling me that chicken is best eaten medium-rare. FML

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By #isthisthepoundkey? - United States - Deltona

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

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By Kiki - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

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By Rachel - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

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By ayeyieyie - United States

Hypocrite move

Today, my boyfriend of eight happy months suddenly broke up with me via text. He'd always insisted that texts were too impersonal. FML

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By Seline

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By sucksatlove - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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By look in the mirror bitch - 10/11/2020 14:04

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Today, I called someone out for her brazen homophobia. She was ranting about how gays are sinners. When I mentioned that she had three children by three different men, all out of wedlock, and was currently living with her boyfriend, also considered a sin, she reported me to HR for harassment. FML

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was tending the cash register. I scanned a lady's items which totaled $89.68. She paid with a $100 bill. I gave her $11.32 change. She angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about "schools nowadays". I'm an AP Calculus student. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By ChiefKoala

This is America

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

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By IHateGroupProjects - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

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By oh, good - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By human torch - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's the fifth day in a row my workmate has worn the exact same clothing. We share the desk. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't hit the shower since last weekend. FML

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By BambooLove - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

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By Watchtower? More like fortress. - Norway - Oslo

Today, my dad saw on TV that in some parts of Africa, it's not uncommon for people to attach make-shift flamethrowers to their cars to defend against carjackers. He's now lost his mind and is forcing me to help him put one together to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses. FML

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By Whoops - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By Rumors - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

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By why - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because "bros before hoes". They met for the first time last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By Anonymous

The Little Sperm That Could

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

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By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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By ProAwkward - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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Top comments

By ChelseaChops | 1

#184963 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:05

PLEASE tell me you don't like him any more.

Kick him in the chuckies.

By AK | 2

#184968 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:07

What an asshole. Even if you weren't allergic that would still have sucked. Seriously, what the hell? "Look, there's a swarm of bees! Let's jump in and see if you're allergic or not!"

COMMENTS

By balotty | 0

#184958 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:02

That's pretty crap what happened.

Reply

sweetniblets95 | 0

#3169456 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 0:37

wow what a jerk. I would kick him in the family jewels

By ChelseaChops | 1

#184963 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:05

PLEASE tell me you don't like him any more.

Kick him in the chuckies.

Reply

sharkwkrox | 0

#2435581 - Saturday 30 April 2011 21:37

agreed.

By AK | 2

#184968 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:07

What an asshole. Even if you weren't allergic that would still have sucked. Seriously, what the hell? "Look, there's a swarm of bees! Let's jump in and see if you're allergic or not!"

By sarakthx | 0

#184972 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:09

Wtf. o.O

By Flying_Pink_Lulz | 0

#184977 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:11

Stupid oaf (:

By hilaryy_fml | 0

#184982 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:12

what a loser. I hope he feels really bad.

By plethora | 3

#184989 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:14

Yeahhhh, he really didn't think that through.

By hahayou12345 | 0

#184991 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:14

What the hell. Such an ass.

By 666midnight | 0

#184997 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:17

Haha, thats kinda funny =P

Still like this guy then? LOL

By Ohhaithar | 0

#184999 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:18

Oh my god.
He sounds like such a dickwad. >: