Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there... - FML

By busybee - 10/5/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Ignitingmylightsaber - 18/10/2009 11:29 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2012 15:22 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2018 15:00

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

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By Sebastian20 - 8/5/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2014 23:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 04:57 - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By ordinaryday - 22/5/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By LoveStruck- - 10/2/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

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By kitchencrime - 28/8/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

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By bossproblems - 17/10/2016 18:47 - United States - Orlando

Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their cell phones on them. They are pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML

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By mj - 5/6/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She'd actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

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By hubby - 8/10/2013 17:57 - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

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By Brookie Bear - 4/4/2017 20:00

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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By sketchball - 5/10/2012 14:56 - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By eamiller - 23/12/2014 20:41 - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:42 - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By mom2010 - 15/12/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By Bethany - 20/1/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

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By Storm - 23/9/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

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By workhoe - 20/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

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By russty - 17/1/2010 17:45 - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By Anonanon - 12/7/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

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By shaft2112 - 3/12/2015 20:19 - Germany - Emsdetten

Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML

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By anon - 31/10/2012 04:22 - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:12 - Australia

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

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By Katrina641 - 26/2/2010 04:20 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 20:00

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

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By bibi - 19/3/2012 23:43 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML

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By OUCH - 19/5/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, my 24 year old girlfriend plugged her ears and stomped her feet while making really loud noises in our local video store. She then refused to stop until I agreed to rent and watch The Notebook with her. FML

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By neighbour hell - 25/4/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

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By pheonixxe - 1/6/2015 22:45 - United States - Sheridan

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

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By tatfreak - 8/3/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2011 01:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into an old school friend. I'd heard she was pregnant so the first thing I did was congratulate her. Not only was she not pregnant, but the reason she managed to get so fat was because of comfort eating due to her miscarriage last month. FML

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By IneedMaury - 16/6/2014 15:30 - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By Shelle - 26/12/2012 08:53 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

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By suuuuuupucci - 25/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

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By CheapFamily - 9/4/2014 23:47 - United States

Today, I graduated from Basic Training. I was really looking forward to seeing my family after being away for almost three months. They decided not to come to graduation because they didn't want to spend the money to travel here. They live 30 minutes away. FML

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Top comments

By ChelseaChops | 1

#184963 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:05

PLEASE tell me you don't like him any more.

Kick him in the chuckies.

By AK | 2

#184968 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:07

What an asshole. Even if you weren't allergic that would still have sucked. Seriously, what the hell? "Look, there's a swarm of bees! Let's jump in and see if you're allergic or not!"

Comments

By balotty | 0

#184958 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:02

That's pretty crap what happened.

Reply

sweetniblets95 | 0

#3169456 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 0:37

wow what a jerk. I would kick him in the family jewels

By ChelseaChops | 1

#184963 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:05

PLEASE tell me you don't like him any more.

Kick him in the chuckies.

Reply

sharkwkrox | 0

#2435581 - Saturday 30 April 2011 21:37

agreed.

By AK | 2

#184968 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:07

What an asshole. Even if you weren't allergic that would still have sucked. Seriously, what the hell? "Look, there's a swarm of bees! Let's jump in and see if you're allergic or not!"

By sarakthx | 0

#184972 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:09

Wtf. o.O

By Flying_Pink_Lulz | 0

#184977 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:11

Stupid oaf (:

By hilaryy_fml | 0

#184982 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:12

what a loser. I hope he feels really bad.

By plethora | 3

#184989 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:14

Yeahhhh, he really didn't think that through.

By hahayou12345 | 0

#184991 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:14

What the hell. Such an ass.

By 666midnight | 0

#184997 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:17

Haha, thats kinda funny =P

Still like this guy then? LOL

By Ohhaithar | 0

#184999 - Sunday 10 May 2009 12:18

Oh my god.
He sounds like such a dickwad. >: