Parenting, Students and Miscellaneous: Desperate nan

Desperate nan

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 229

You deserved it 3 543

Parenting Students Miscellaneous

Batman

You tried

Hiding from the drama

By Mal - 29/10/2010 20:02 - United States

Today, I finally mustered up the guts to ask this girl I like to dinner and a movie. She agreed on the terms that she could bring someone, and I'd said it wouldn't be a problem. When I met up with her a few hours later, I found out she'd brought her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 515

You deserved it 6 694

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I spent about 10 minutes searching frantically for my cell phone, while holding it up to my ear and talking to my friend about my plans tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 42 082

By xXfloatingshitlogXx - 03/11/2012 16:04 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, my extremely overweight roommate decided to not only be a nudist, but also to get in shape for his new lifestyle. He's been doing naked lunges in our room for the last twenty minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 020

You deserved it 2 150

By fuck you, tasha - 24/08/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 190

You deserved it 8 606

By Anonymous - 08/02/2014 18:49 - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 636

You deserved it 11 023

By nudie - 19/07/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 658

You deserved it 56 451

By lice - 28/03/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125 207

You deserved it 13 968

By grrrrrr - 19/02/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 565

You deserved it 5 037

By whatswrongwithit?:( - 30/09/2012 19:37 - United States - Chicago

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 345

You deserved it 3 621

By raven_teen_titan - 04/03/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 572

You deserved it 3 496

By Anonymous - 13/02/2018 01:30

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 631

You deserved it 651

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 09:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 4 672

One step forward, two steps back.

By MJF - 24/01/2018 15:00

Today, my boss thanked me for all my hard work and promised me a raise and a promotion. Shortly thereafter, she sent out a memo announcing she'd sold the company. The new owner immediately came in to "restructure." I got demoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 309

You deserved it 229

By noluckwhatsoever - 06/01/2010 16:44 - United States

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It's been 3 hours and still no call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 981

You deserved it 30 456

By lilithfaye - 02/11/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 565

You deserved it 6 215

By DocDog - 24/03/2017 02:00

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 626

You deserved it 477

By fatass - 20/04/2015 17:01 - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 449

You deserved it 7 857

By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 10:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 912

You deserved it 4 382

By Paris101 - 22/02/2013 14:51 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 287

You deserved it 3 866

By Anonymous - 21/06/2018 19:00

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 978

You deserved it 568

By larrythelobster - 11/02/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 356

You deserved it 464

By hikingtospace - 04/10/2016 15:25 - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 497

You deserved it 929

Distressed

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 02:01

Today, my colleague pointed out with a disgusted look on his face that I'm wearing 90s clothes again. Just like every time he sees me. What does he mean by 90s clothes? Jeans. Literally any pair of jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 57

By jhughes1997 - 17/06/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

Today, I went fishing with my dad. I figured, since we were out on the dock, I may as well get rid of my farmer's tan. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to a fishing net draped over me. I now have a fishnet pattern down the front of my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 770

You deserved it 12 412

By tdtf - 16/03/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 726

You deserved it 1 487

By Anonymous - 17/03/2015 07:46

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 177

You deserved it 22 805

By thanks, dad... - 30/08/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 060

You deserved it 14 427

By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 662

You deserved it 767

By Anonymous - 23/08/2010 23:28 - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 155

You deserved it 3 109

By Imdead - 14/09/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 592

You deserved it 218

The cringe is real

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 09:38 - India

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 097

You deserved it 148

Catch 22

By xen - 20/12/2020 11:02

Today, while in a crowded store, someone tore my mask off my face and ran away. Then before I could run after them, I got stopped and screamed at for not wearing a mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 59

The patriarchy rules

By hyphen - 09/12/2020 18:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was talking to a new friend when I told him my last name. It’s hyphenated. He then left and declared me to be a "stuck-up bitch" who thinks she’s "too good to take a man’s last name." This is the name I was born with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 87

By Phoenix2115 - 26/02/2018 17:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after ordering a custom $200 Valentine's Day gift box for my husband, he gave it away to a female coworker upon delivery because Valentine's Day isn't for guys. I hope she like the new Xbox one controller and all the gift cards as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 331

You deserved it 362

By beno - 07/01/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 320

You deserved it 6 050

By Wobblefat - 14/12/2016 13:16

Today, I was watching porn when I found a lookalike of my soon-to-be sister-in-law. She's attractive, so I enjoyed watching her getting it on by herself. Needless to say I did not finish as I saw another "lookalike" entering the room. I have now seen my brothers erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 879

You deserved it 4 307

Not the best reaction

By Mark - 31/08/2021 15:01

Today, I came out as gay to my dad on Whatsapp. The only thing he replied was, "I'll ever talk to you again when you stop being a pussy." He then blocked me from everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 189

By thatgirl247 - 11/09/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 041

You deserved it 5 180

Who's the worst?

By good mom - 05/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 119

You deserved it 168

By nopleasestopmother - 02/05/2014 23:03 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 417

You deserved it 3 649

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emer_helena 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:23

You will meet girls! All the cool 6 year olds go to the petting zoo :)

Indiana_fml 4

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:34

So you are supposed to hook up with single moms so that she can have instant-grandchildren...

Rain_fml 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:12

You need to get out more

Philosophic 0

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 21:31

You and me ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel.

americuzz 8

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Thursday 22 July 2010 4:54

op take the job and impress a hot blonde chick who loves animals. just like in tv... p wait nevermind 

StalkerX 4

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Monday 25 November 2013 4:31

89- We can do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files.

hahayou12345 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:13

HAHAHH woah dude FYL. You need a social life!

666midnight 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:15

Haha, that sucks, at least you have a job though =P

stonerchu 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:16

You mom is awesome

24788 6

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:18

I know how that goes. My sister has two kids. My mom is always trying to get me to go out more and meet women.

emer_helena 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:23

You will meet girls! All the cool 6 year olds go to the petting zoo :)

ringasendi 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:27

How is this even a FML? who cares what your mom thinks of your social life?

666midnight 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:29

lmao @ #6 XD

JonReb 0

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:31

A petting zoo.. so your mom is suggesting you'd only have a chance with little girls? -FYL!

Indiana_fml 4

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Sunday 10 May 2009 12:34

So you are supposed to hook up with single moms so that she can have instant-grandchildren...

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 118

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 44

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