Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around... - FML

By Told_You_So - 9/7/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

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Does it taste good?

Who's a good boy?

Tidy your room

By ohtheirony - 19/8/2018 18:30

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

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By someboody - 15/8/2015 16:50 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

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By Lame - 10/7/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

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By ...... - 16/5/2012 22:29 - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 02:01

Economy class

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 23:04

The end of the road

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

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By A.J. - 13/4/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

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By unlucky - 10/11/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

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By funnywoe - 19/7/2020 20:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my uncle is staying with my family and he just gave me the weirdest 'gift' I've ever gotten. He gave me his used shaver. He said he realized that it's for women, but I find this disgusting. I could maybe sanitize it, but then I would have to touch the hairs on it. I had to pretend to be truly grateful for it. FML

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By macaroni17 - 10/4/2014 02:33 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

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By Bawo - 2/6/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my cute guy friend in his candlelit bedroom and we had just started tearing each other's clothes off. I decided to be coy and sexy and flip my hair to the side. As I did so, my long hair caught in the flames of his lit candles and caught half of my head on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2016 05:13 - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 02:48 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - 8/12/2016 01:22 - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By Eric - 14/3/2020 06:05

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 17:02

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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By Thithien1 - 1/4/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:53 - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

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By Absent - 12/1/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 11:34 - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By luckygirl - 13/10/2015 16:20 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By dinosawerr - 5/5/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By #MurrayShow - 27/2/2018 01:30

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 11:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was fired for not asking a senior citizen for proof that he was over 21 and legally allowed to purchase alcohol. When I told my manager he was clearly over 21, he replied, "But what if he WASN'T?" FML

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By jeeperspeepers - 2/8/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML

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By stickyandwet - 30/1/2017 23:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, 3 hours into a 7-hour flight, I only ate half the chocolate mousse that came with my meal and decided to give the rest to my boyfriend. While reaching for his tray, he mistook the action as me stealing his mousse. We spent the rest of the flight covered in sticky soft drink splatter. FML

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By DarkMaskDiva - 21/3/2020 18:00

Vicious circle

Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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By thrifty gone wrong - 28/1/2013 17:24 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I received a birthday present from a friend. It was the very same gift I gave to her for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my mom decided to do something new and borrowed some of my clothes. She's currently wearing a very small pair of short shorts and a very tight tank top. We're going to a very prestigious golf course and she won't change. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

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By suzanneallen - 11/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in his car when things got hot and heavy and we decided to climb in the back. After we finished we started to put our clothes back just as a someone's brights flooded into the car. It was a cop, and he had been there the entire time. FML

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By Nell - 30/6/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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Top comments

By Jaucet | 0

#381969 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

Well at least your parents are funny!

By mitch707 | 0

#381998 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:22

Atleast your Mum has faith in you.

COMMENTS

By Jaucet | 0

#381969 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:14

Well at least your parents are funny!

Reply

Jmido | 0

#382218 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:40

FYI because you haven't had sex yet.

Reply

saweetdude93 | 0

#382219 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:40

2!!!!!!!!

Reply

AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#382651 - Thursday 9 July 2009 20:48

No, #27, you're 27.
Don't think you're all high-and-mighty because your post was attached to #1.
Nobody cares.

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#382995 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:41

OP, ask your dad if he ever given your mum an orgasm, that will shut him up.

Reply

Bokusui | 0

#383529 - Friday 10 July 2009 2:54

Hey #27 grow up -_-.

Reply

MadaFaka_fml | 0

#384402 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:47

how old r u anyways?

Reply

tech42er | 0

#384950 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:21

Yeah, it's nice your mom isn't all freaked out about sex.

Reply

pyromanac | 0

#393217 - Monday 13 July 2009 19:59

very true very true at least your mom is really cool she was betting that you did... i would love your mom

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#790406 - Friday 22 January 2010 7:59

either way guys 27s a dumbass cuz he would have been 3rd. learn count dumbass. and as for the OP fyl. but atleast your not a whore. :)

Reply

poezpoee | 0

#931022 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 3:39

true dat my parents are annoying as shit

Reply

qwerty4321 | 0

#982644 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 22:10

78, but then she could be freaky with sex. OP, uncomfortable much :(

By jillian_xx | 0

#381977 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:16

better than them calling you a whore.

Reply

Pink_ElePhant88 | 0

#383588 - Friday 10 July 2009 3:27

On the bright side no one can call you a slut in your family and it's not THAT bad that you're a virgin....depending on how old you are, if you 30 then FYL

Reply

yuhhkno | 0

#1056596 - Saturday 3 July 2010 6:14

how old are youu?! lmfaoo funny parents

Reply

TheOptimist | 0

#1828178 - Saturday 11 December 2010 12:08

Jeeze OP, you fuckin whore.

By iSmellNice | 2

#381981 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:17

This reminds me of the guy whose parents bet whether he was gay

Reply

craigahh | 0

#382052 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:37

I thought the same thing.

Reply

Raptorix2012 | 17

#5605653 - Tuesday 30 July 2013 21:00

same here

By mitch707 | 0

#381998 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:22

Atleast your Mum has faith in you.

Reply

lolownedimo | 0

#382004 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:23

This

Reply

Jehanne_fml | 0

#382016 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:26

God forbid that she sully her feminine virtue, eh?

Reply

perfectwinds | 0

#382328 - Thursday 9 July 2009 18:34

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read it. Haha! At least his mom thought he had. Dad knew best I guess. =P

Reply

Cloudy_fml | 0

#382360 - Thursday 9 July 2009 18:44

perfectwinds - OP is a she. =P

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#382987 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:39

I know, ask your dad if he ever given your mum an orgasm, that will shut him up.

Reply

yuhhkno | 0

#1056617 - Saturday 3 July 2010 6:15

#4 yeah her mom had faith in her but she let her down!

By jasnoo | 0

#382006 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:24

I can't wait to do that to my kids someday XD

Reply

stanish | 0

#382095 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:52

Oh for sure. FML has taught me some of the best ways to deal with kids.

Reply

Sipheonix | 0

#382258 - Thursday 9 July 2009 17:59

Forreal. I'm for sure doing this to my kids too. Except I hope I don't lose $20

By NDouglas | 0

#382033 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:31

At least your dad has faith in you.

Reply

regalarius | 0

#382267 - Thursday 9 July 2009 18:05

Or your mom, depending on what you think 'faith' would be :-)

Reply

deja54 | 0

#382671 - Thursday 9 July 2009 20:55

I don't think "he can't get any" is having much faith.

By Mandy_fml | 0

#382040 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:33

Your parents sound hilarious :)

By nozloc | 0

#382047 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:36

i am so doing this to my son one day!

By SushiChef | 0

#382073 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:43

Damn well I guess it is alright if you are still living at home... but FYL get some hahaha

By rrs_fml | 0

#382093 - Thursday 9 July 2009 16:49

Wow. Actually, shouldn't your parents be happy you haven't had sex, especially if you're waiting for the one?

Reply

Nenor_fml | 0

#382997 - Thursday 9 July 2009 23:41

why would they be happy that she's a freak?

Reply

metheonlyb | 17

#383136 - Friday 10 July 2009 0:28

What make you think Virgins are all freaks?? Sexual preferences are different for different people. Learn to respect it asshole.
I'm 20 year old straight guy and I'm still a virgin. I don't see anything freakish about me!! Go FYL