Intimacy: Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around...

By Told_You_So - 09/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 915

You deserved it 5 043

Intimacy

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sorry…

Unfortunate

By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 347

You deserved it 3 371

By Noname - 18/03/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383 015

You deserved it 36 004

April Fool

By larry_richard - 04/04/2018 18:00 - United States

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 222

You deserved it 713

By emsbuffalo - 04/01/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 150

You deserved it 3 092

By Reggie - 27/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 796

You deserved it 611

By csor027 - 29/09/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, I was having a good talk with a coworker and I was excited that I've made my first friend at work. After sharing some stories and some laughs he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do. He asked if I was always faithful, I said I was. He then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 486

You deserved it 4 609

By Diana - 05/07/2018 01:30

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 778

You deserved it 352

By aggghghgh - 14/05/2016 08:51

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 478

You deserved it 2 090

This Charming Man

By Sheev - 18/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 758

You deserved it 285

By bullseyed - 08/12/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 561

You deserved it 36 292

OK, bye then

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 23:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 17/09/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 343

You deserved it 12 394

By GodSquad - 26/09/2013 08:06 - United Kingdom - Blackburn

Today, I found out that the girl I've fallen in love with is a "young-earth/dinosaurs-lived-with-humans" crackpot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 342

You deserved it 7 975

By Anonymous - 03/08/2015 15:29 - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 805

You deserved it 15 346

By Username - 23/11/2010 20:53

Today, at work, I handed an old man his drink, and our fingers accidentally brushed. He gave me a creepy wink and a smile, but I ignored it. He's now been sitting in the store for two hours watching me. Only 4 hours to go until I get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 764

You deserved it 2 463

By Aphrodite - 23/01/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 074

You deserved it 7 703

By Samm Povich - 25/02/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 859

You deserved it 2 523

Condom advertisement

By Willow McGarrigle - 30/05/2020 02:00

Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 120

By blind_loser - 12/07/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 622

You deserved it 3 299

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

By Anonymous - 17/09/2019 14:00

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 135

You deserved it 81

By Sarah - 30/08/2012 12:58 - United States - Hampton Bays

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 737

You deserved it 2 090

By baron - 01/06/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 427

You deserved it 7 544

Deception

By that'sokay - 12/05/2020 23:00

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 460

By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 03:07 - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 183

You deserved it 43 329

By Anonymous - 16/03/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 704

You deserved it 21 854

By Polmkk - 14/02/2019 15:00 - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 628

You deserved it 5 418

By neverbeenkissed - 03/07/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 038

You deserved it 9 036

By babymomma - 14/09/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 989

You deserved it 5 631

By unloved - 23/03/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 860

You deserved it 8 683

Thanks for that, dad!

By Anonymous - 13/10/2019 01:00

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 387

You deserved it 226

By nick - 22/03/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 190

You deserved it 13 256

By Anonymous - 14/08/2017 13:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 712

You deserved it 1 340

By Tony - 18/10/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 076

You deserved it 3 067

Drained

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 23:01

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 89

A very compassionate defence…

By Jennifer - 19/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’ve been summoned to court because I found some homeless people living in a house I bought to renovate, and my brothers and I threw them out. Apparently even though it’s my property, they had some bullshit squatters rights. I can’t believe the courts are taking their complaint seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 128

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 22/05/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 4 471

By Aaaaahhhhhhhh - 23/08/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep they crawl on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 748

You deserved it 151

Clumsy

By evilwater - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 070

You deserved it 8 458

By crossfitter - 21/05/2015 12:22

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 212

You deserved it 11 464

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 893

You deserved it 31 000

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