Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast,...

By dunnough - United States

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Instadrama

Sister of the year

By Soulara89 - United States - Orlando

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML

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By katiebabby - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

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By Mrs. Ned - United States - Incline Village

Today, I walked in on my husband having sex with the shower wall. When I got in the shower with him he immediately went soft. FML

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By bagadigi - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

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By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

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By dump truck hater - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By nudesurprise - United States

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

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By no good deed - 23/7/2020 20:02

It's the thought that counts

Today, I was feeling pretty down due to a recent back injury, so I thought I’d do something nice to help lift my spirits. I bought some cookies for my coworkers, who ended up not wanting any, and one of them decided to ask what was wrong with my face. Oh, right, my acne rosacea is flaring too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

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By Photoshopped - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By kaytiebobaytie - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was called up about a job I'd recently applied for. I was overly excited to tell them I'd be there on Monday. Then I remembered I canceled my car insurance due to financial difficulties. I have no way of getting there. FML

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By Needsanewjob - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

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By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Tourism

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

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By Umwhat

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML

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By angryinlaws - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By justmeagain

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She sent me a link to a story online about a woman who abused her dog to the point of death and I didn’t vomit while reading it. According to her, that makes me a “heartless monster.” FML

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By LivingInSin - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

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By EPICfml. - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By whoevenncares - United States

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

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By PokeWife - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

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By ZombieLicker - United States

Today, I was walking into the building I hoped to work in someday with my resume, ready to be interviewed. As I walked through the doors I had to sneeze, so lifted my hands and sneezed a huge bloody booger right in the middle of the cover page. Turns out future employers don't like that. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 6 years, two raises and a promotion, thanks to student loans I make less disposable income than I did when I first started this job. FML

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By VoodooPriestess

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was sunny and bright so I woke up feeling great. I pulled back the curtains in my room and saw my cat dead on the lawn. FML

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By kaz89 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation between a coworker and a new employee. The new girl was trying to get familiar with people's names, and she asked my coworker, "Which one is Heather?" He answered, "The annoying one." She said, "Oh, that's Heather." I'm Heather. FML

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By ShampooThief - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

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By ill - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2020 05:01

Technologically challenged

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

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By Congrats? - United States - Charleston

Today, I discovered that my father is getting married. Overjoyed and confused because I didn't know he was dating, I called him up to congratulate him, and ask who she was. Apparently, his soon to be fiancée is my mother-in-law. My wife is not happy. FML

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Top comments

By bestnamever | 6

#3852022 - Sunday 8 January 2012 21:51

Lil' cook guy? That's a really weird thing to say

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#186397 - Sunday 10 May 2009 23:00

time for a new haircut!

COMMENTS

By SuperAsianPie | 0

#164089 - Sunday 3 May 2009 10:52

I like bagel :]

mmplayer | 0

#1196547 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:44

it's because you go to the bagel shop everyday and now, you have man boobs.

satanic_fml | 13

#1221322 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:51

im hungry now

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#186397 - Sunday 10 May 2009 23:00

time for a new haircut!

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#206403 - Sunday 17 May 2009 19:19

#1: All said

By skynash23 | 0

#258372 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 4:23

Ouch!

By Khalavaster | 0

#322181 - Saturday 20 June 2009 0:29

Aww. Get a haircut miss.

By SAF_fml | 0

#363181 - Friday 3 July 2009 7:29

m a cunt lol

By kirbz | 0

#501064 - Thursday 20 August 2009 7:15

u deserve it for being fat and him thinking their boobs XD

eyepuppy | 31

#6047187 - Monday 25 August 2014 6:09

what the hell are you on about?

By WhyworldWhy | 0

#586527 - Friday 25 September 2009 22:59

well if you don't like people calling you don't look like it

By Sindy_fml | 4

#717198 - Sunday 13 December 2009 0:52

aaaaaaaaaa u freshie

By dangletsbang21 | 0

#751139 - Saturday 2 January 2010 21:15

that's deffinetly not as bad as being called a boy if your a girl, but yeah you should probably get a haircut :)

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1023723 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 8:21

Double standards much?