Miscellaneous: Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast,...

By dunnough - United States

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Very fishy

Life is unfair…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By btchzloveit - United States

Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

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By Something I said? - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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35875

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By shadokis - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML

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By Anonymoose

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By oops - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend opened the car door in a very kind and loving way. What wasn't so kind and loving was that my hand was still half-way when he closed it. FML

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29494

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By disturbed - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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By montextes - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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29215

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

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36218

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By Blackfell - United States

Today, I found out why I can't sleep at night. My wife switched my sleep aid pills with energy pills. FML

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29059

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

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By GrannyAt22 - Canada

Today, I had to buy a wrist brace for a repetitive strain injury. I got the injury because I was knitting too much. I'm 22. FML

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By oshitdonotwant - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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By mmckie

Today, I went into a restaurant with my family. I slipped off my chair, pulling the tablecloth with all the food and drinks on it with me onto the floor. FML

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1637

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By LucidNightmare - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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35667

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

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38154

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By Gentleman - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By alexo - United States

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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33872

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By fmylife. - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 14:01

We could be heroes

Today, as an Ambulance Technician, I dealt with a man who had too much LSD. He urinated on my boot and spat on me multiple times, thinking he had dragons in his mouth. I put a mask on him and he took it off so "the dragons could escape." My wage is lower than if I were working in a supermarket. FML

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1616

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By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By aaannnddd there goes my boner - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

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By secret - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

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By Mika_Ookami - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML

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By Stupid - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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By Nice Guy - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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23622

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By notquitejuliet - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

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25212

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By diapersplease - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

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28331

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By hannamacintosh - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML

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14121

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By Marie - 20/1/2021 05:01

Freaky

Today, I have been finding long black hairs all over my bathroom. My hair is short and blonde, and I live alone. FML

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By JackSoda

Dad Jokes, part 36646

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

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1383

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By nicolette5785452 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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53723

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

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Top comments

By bestnamever | 6

#3852022 - Sunday 8 January 2012 21:51

Lil' cook guy? That's a really weird thing to say

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#186397 - Sunday 10 May 2009 23:00

time for a new haircut!

COMMENTS

By SuperAsianPie | 0

#164089 - Sunday 3 May 2009 10:52

I like bagel :]

mmplayer | 0

#1196547 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:44

it's because you go to the bagel shop everyday and now, you have man boobs.

satanic_fml | 13

#1221322 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:51

im hungry now

By goodtimesx2 | 0

#186397 - Sunday 10 May 2009 23:00

time for a new haircut!

By Iwannabetreo | 11

#206403 - Sunday 17 May 2009 19:19

#1: All said

By skynash23 | 0

#258372 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 4:23

Ouch!

By Khalavaster | 0

#322181 - Saturday 20 June 2009 0:29

Aww. Get a haircut miss.

By SAF_fml | 0

#363181 - Friday 3 July 2009 7:29

m a cunt lol

By kirbz | 0

#501064 - Thursday 20 August 2009 7:15

u deserve it for being fat and him thinking their boobs XD

eyepuppy | 31

#6047187 - Monday 25 August 2014 6:09

what the hell are you on about?

By WhyworldWhy | 0

#586527 - Friday 25 September 2009 22:59

well if you don't like people calling you don't look like it

By Sindy_fml | 4

#717198 - Sunday 13 December 2009 0:52

aaaaaaaaaa u freshie

By dangletsbang21 | 0

#751139 - Saturday 2 January 2010 21:15

that's deffinetly not as bad as being called a boy if your a girl, but yeah you should probably get a haircut :)

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1023723 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 8:21

Double standards much?