Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée....

By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

This is fine

By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

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By hottygirl905 - 24/4/2012 11:50 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By ouch - 16/9/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Trimacle - 24/8/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

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By imaqtb - 9/9/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

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By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - 20/3/2011 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By TearfulDaughter - 19/1/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

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By creepedouthostess - 17/6/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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By anonymous - 26/1/2010 12:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my Muay Thai class. We were doing a combination which consisted of a low kick, body kick and head kick. My partner had already done the low kick so I held the pads for the body kick. He kicked me straight in the jaw. I'm a teenage girl and he's a fully grown man. FML

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By Honest mistake - 18/4/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By Dumbblonde - 3/5/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this little girl. She told me she wanted to go to the park so we did. When we were walking back, I was caring her on my back. When were almost at the door, she told me she had to go pee. I told her to hold it. As we were walking in the door I felt a warm spot on my back. FML

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By Jordan - 29/5/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 21:12 - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By sportyhusband - 20/1/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2012 13:51 - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

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By MoonStarShine3 - 9/6/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 20:15 - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 13:04 - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By phoenixditch - 23/5/2013 07:13 - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By birthdaygirl - 16/4/2014 17:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

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By BlakeVB - 25/5/2019 14:18

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

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By notready - 15/10/2013 06:49 - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By um - 8/2/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - 10/12/2013 06:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 21:28 - United States

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

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By manderz? - 3/8/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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By Dumped - 30/3/2019 20:00

Today my boyfriend of one year dumped me. When I started crying, he said, “want to know something that will make you hate me so you won’t be so sad?” and then told me he’s been cheating on me with multiple women, the entire time we’ve been dating. He thought that would comfort me. FML

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By BDayssuck - 2/9/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

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By Username - 1/1/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, I spent the first day of the new year helping out at an old folks home. I was assigned to watch over a group which includes the delightful Earnie; an 83 year old delusional man who sees absolutely no problem with showing off "what the good lord gave him" every chance he gets. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2015 19:16 - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:52 - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By fuck off, eh! - 7/3/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

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By tim12345 - 25/7/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

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By Hairball - 1/9/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2015 20:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#5977210 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:51

Well that's one way to break the ice also how could anyone deserve this?

By Whatapuffchild | 23

#5977223 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:59

be glad you were the chosen one

COMMENTS

By worldclassrager | 39

#5977210 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:51

Well that's one way to break the ice also how could anyone deserve this?

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5977239 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:05

I believe many people press the wrong button by accident, dear.

AlaskanG | 27

#5977250 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:12

That, and dislike trolls.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#5977252 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:14

Don't forget those who want badges

addictedtosorrow | 12

#5977264 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:33

He was just trying to get the ball rolling in my opinion.

Kamon97 | 23

#5977433 - Monday 16 June 2014 16:16

Wasn't there an FML similar to this?

By Spicemelon | 5

#5977212 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:54

That's deeply unsettling...

sweetest_jenn | 18

#5977286 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:21

On the bright side. No matter how "deep" things may get from here on out, no one has to worry about surprises.

Happy Father's Day!!!!

badluckalex | 23

#5977297 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:33

enough with these fucking puns

Demig0d6 | 14

#5977301 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:52

Cum on guys... It's serious stuff

brenton490 | 19

#5977399 - Monday 16 June 2014 14:55

I'm totally cereal!

By sunnyray812 | 42

#5977213 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:54

Such a good subject to talk about while eating.

worldclassrager | 39

#5977218 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:57

Delicious right?

WinterBlue42 | 22

#5977327 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:55

Especially if they were eating 'Rocky mountain oysters'. .

By Whatapuffchild | 23

#5977223 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:59

be glad you were the chosen one

WMFG16 | 14

#5977559 - Monday 16 June 2014 19:56

By Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5977224 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:00

Your dad sure knows how to start a conversation!

By Bloink | 25

#5977233 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:03

well i think that's good information to know :p

By krundale | 6

#5977234 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:03

Congratulate him for me!!!!

By fearlesscooldude | 12

#5977235 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:04

I bet that was an awkward Father's Day.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5978572 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 18:28

Eh, what's the deferens.

By woainishamu | 21

#5977236 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:04

Mommy must be happy.

By pimrol | 16

#5977238 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:05

maybe if you try my little pony pornography youll forget it.

Nyarlothatep | 12

#5977248 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:09

Don't even suggest bringing poor little Fluttershy into this!

OysterPearls | 33

#5977270 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:36

Princess Celestia would frown upon that comment, 11.

dragonkisses28 | 25

#5977394 - Monday 16 June 2014 14:44

#14 It disturbs me that you know the name of a my little pony; however, I am much more disturbed that there is actual MLP porn out there. :/

HylianTwilight | 21

#5977466 - Monday 16 June 2014 17:11

Rule 34 after all.
I saw a picture of two sandwiches doing the deed.