Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée....

By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

Time don't heal nothing

Don't shoot the messenger

By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 05:06 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2014 15:15 - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2012 04:44 - Australia

Today, an unknown number left me a lengthy voicemail of what sounds like two people having sex. This is the closest I've gotten to real-life sex in 2 years. I listened to it three times. FML

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By englishclasshigh - 10/9/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me "Did the brownies kick in?" Yes, they did, right in the middle of my English presentation. They were "funny" brownies. FML

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By Raven - 31/12/2016 17:24 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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By Ants everywhere but my pants - 19/5/2016 02:35 - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

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By love_letter - 29/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

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By Kendall14159 - 22/5/2016 02:14 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

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By RahiYeah09 - 17/9/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

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By Soggy Sophia - 27/3/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

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By SilverZephyr - 16/1/2015 12:49 - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

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By demk - 20/8/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 14:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

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By exfishowner - 27/1/2019 12:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

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By Shiet - 10/2/2016 04:08 - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By walker - 6/7/2013 04:17 - United States

Today, I went over my girlfriend of 3 months' house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML

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By Cammi0 - 2/6/2015 17:58 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

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By yournick - 31/1/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By Ramis182 - 16/12/2013 08:52 - United States - Auburn

Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By connor1701 - 27/2/2017 20:00

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By AJShow80 - 13/4/2009 08:51 - United States

Today , I won 20 dollars on a lotto scratch off. My friend, pissed, makes me split the money saying its collateral for the gas money used to get us there. He then uses his 10 dollars on a scratch off, and wins 500 dollars. The jackass wouldnt split it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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By ealovan - 3/3/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

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By wow. - 5/5/2014 03:18 - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

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By HelloItsMee123 - 24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

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By tima - 27/6/2018 01:30

* backs away slowly *

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I called my dad, because I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to invite him to my graduation in May. When he picked up, I said, "Hey, how have you been, dad?" He scoffed, "Wrong number" and hung up the phone. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By Bridget - 6/5/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By nnniii - 16/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

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By SchwesterGrimm - 19/6/2016 21:41

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

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By Randomm - 12/12/2019 20:00

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By dinosaucer - 12/10/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

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By ummm eww - 12/6/2020 20:05

Disclosure

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#5977210 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:51

Well that's one way to break the ice also how could anyone deserve this?

By Whatapuffchild | 23

#5977223 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:59

be glad you were the chosen one

Comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#5977210 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:51

Well that's one way to break the ice also how could anyone deserve this?

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5977239 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:05

I believe many people press the wrong button by accident, dear.

AlaskanG | 27

#5977250 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:12

That, and dislike trolls.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#5977252 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:14

Don't forget those who want badges

addictedtosorrow | 12

#5977264 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:33

He was just trying to get the ball rolling in my opinion.

Kamon97 | 23

#5977433 - Monday 16 June 2014 16:16

Wasn't there an FML similar to this?

By Spicemelon | 5

#5977212 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:54

That's deeply unsettling...

sweetest_jenn | 18

#5977286 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:21

On the bright side. No matter how "deep" things may get from here on out, no one has to worry about surprises.

Happy Father's Day!!!!

badluckalex | 23

#5977297 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:33

enough with these fucking puns

Demig0d6 | 14

#5977301 - Monday 16 June 2014 9:52

Cum on guys... It's serious stuff

brenton490 | 19

#5977399 - Monday 16 June 2014 14:55

I'm totally cereal!

By sunnyray812 | 42

#5977213 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:54

Such a good subject to talk about while eating.

worldclassrager | 39

#5977218 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:57

Delicious right?

WinterBlue42 | 22

#5977327 - Monday 16 June 2014 10:55

Especially if they were eating 'Rocky mountain oysters'. .

By Whatapuffchild | 23

#5977223 - Monday 16 June 2014 7:59

be glad you were the chosen one

WMFG16 | 14

#5977559 - Monday 16 June 2014 19:56

By Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5977224 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:00

Your dad sure knows how to start a conversation!

By Bloink | 25

#5977233 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:03

well i think that's good information to know :p

By krundale | 6

#5977234 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:03

Congratulate him for me!!!!

By fearlesscooldude | 12

#5977235 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:04

I bet that was an awkward Father's Day.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5978572 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 18:28

Eh, what's the deferens.

By woainishamu | 21

#5977236 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:04

Mommy must be happy.

By pimrol | 16

#5977238 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:05

maybe if you try my little pony pornography youll forget it.

Nyarlothatep | 12

#5977248 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:09

Don't even suggest bringing poor little Fluttershy into this!

OysterPearls | 33

#5977270 - Monday 16 June 2014 8:36

Princess Celestia would frown upon that comment, 11.

dragonkisses28 | 25

#5977394 - Monday 16 June 2014 14:44

#14 It disturbs me that you know the name of a my little pony; however, I am much more disturbed that there is actual MLP porn out there. :/

HylianTwilight | 21

#5977466 - Monday 16 June 2014 17:11

Rule 34 after all.
I saw a picture of two sandwiches doing the deed.