Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took...

By van no gough - 22/3/2015 00:07 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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Miscellaneous

Assumptions

Vultures

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By NoSacredSpace - 19/5/2018 05:00

Today, I can finally say there’s no part of my body that hasn’t had a pimple show up. I found a zit on my clit. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

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By AgentOrion - 29/8/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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By Wtf is wrong with her - 30/12/2013 05:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2011 05:28 - United States

Today, a woman somehow managed to drop her wedding ring into the garbage at the fast food place where I work. I had to search through a full bag of half eaten food and soda to find it. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By Michelle - 9/1/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

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By ... - 21/4/2012 02:49 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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By Geraldine - 30/11/2011 01:53 - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

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By thisisme - 17/1/2011 01:37 - Canada

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

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By Demotivation - 2/7/2013 14:35 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I was once again handed a document to translate along with the comment "Good luck, it doesn't make sense to begin with." If my translation doesn't, though, I will not get paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 00:30 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - 22/3/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By Nosexytime - 14/1/2010 15:56 - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

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By Graham Watson - 1/7/2019 16:00

Today, I'm currently in hospital with a painful and swollen Achille's heel problem. I was dreaming of running down stairs. I then tripped on one, and as I whacked my foot on the stairs in my dream, I also raised my foot and whacked it on the end of the hospital bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By ehcanadianeh - 13/12/2015 20:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

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By GetMoney - 1/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 16:09 - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

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By Laurel - 25/5/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

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By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

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By moronforadad - 5/1/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

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By sadsongstress - 12/8/2009 11:18 - Belgium

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2012 11:30 - Australia

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

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By Stellarum - 18/8/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By mooselord - 5/12/2013 17:41 - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By decenthumanbeing - 14/7/2016 13:13

Today, I entered a restaurant just to use the WiFi. In order not to look cheap, I ordered a meal and a beverage. The WiFi didn't work and now I don't have enough money to buy dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 04:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By Oreo - 10/5/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By imgoingtofreakout - 26/12/2017 19:00

Today, my Christmas present from my boyfriend was chlamydia. FML

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By Ugh - 13/9/2015 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

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By Name - 11/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

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By airplanes-suck - 21/8/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year old daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "the talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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By JEalmon12 - 23/5/2019 12:00

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 04:24 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

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By ImOverHere - 2/9/2012 16:56 - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

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Top comments

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6240034 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:10

If you call a tow truck, they usually have extra gas with them in case of emergency.

By feven | 32

#6240041 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:14

Time to call the tow truck

Comments

By wildgenius | 13

#6240027 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:08

Well if all else fails, you can use water or apple juice.

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6240061 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:24

Uh if you wanna fuck up your engine.. sure. how do I know this and you dont? I am car dumb!!! op.. clever name though.

natashamilan | 13

#6240074 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:37

That's SUCH a good idea.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6240345 - Sunday 22 March 2015 21:22

Whatever gave you the idea that using water or apple juice(mostly water) in an internal "combustion" engine was ever going to be a good idea? SMH

ExtremeEncounter | 32

#6240940 - Monday 23 March 2015 12:08

I think people take what people say on this site WAY too literally.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6241815 - Tuesday 24 March 2015 5:23

Like this if you think the title of the FML was nice!...

By hacksaw246 | 24

#6240028 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:09

You must be pretty gassed after this expedition.

AddictGamer | 16

#6240087 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:46

I did nazi that one coming.

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6240034 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:10

If you call a tow truck, they usually have extra gas with them in case of emergency.

By iSativa | 24

#6240036 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:11

Moments like these make great "remember when.." stories at social gatherings.

By FMyLyricalAnus | 11

#6240037 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:11

Yea, it must be pretty tiring. If you haven't eaten you probably need more fuel before you can move it again.

By WCARlover | 34

#6240038 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:11

If this is a YDI or not really depends on how low whoever used it last left it

Tthug | 34

#6240049 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:18

No. It really is just a failure to check the gas gauge. It sucks yes, but it's also completely preventable.

taybear0 | 14

#6240052 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:18

OP cant do anything about how low her friends let their gas take get, its not her job to monitor the fuel gauge

By feven | 32

#6240041 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:14

Time to call the tow truck

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6240048 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:17

state farm

By fmlsams | 27

#6240053 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:18

Blues Brothers, anyone?

By hannah_cheers | 30

#6240069 - Sunday 22 March 2015 16:32

Clever username xD