Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

DINOSAURS!!

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By creepingjennie - 7/6/2020 02:11

Because I'm worth it

Today, I discovered that head lice shampoo can remove the dye from your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 08:02 - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

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By woxliuke - 5/5/2016 18:44 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By strandedguest - 30/9/2010 06:51 - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

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By dwek - 15/5/2009 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 14:00

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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By $$$ - 29/5/2013 04:49 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, an elderly woman couldn't afford all of her groceries at the checkout so she started to take out a few things. I offered to pay for her groceries; she thanked me and walked out. An onlooker then came up to me and told me that she does it to someone every week. FML

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By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By burr415 - 20/4/2012 22:55 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, my friend was waiting outside the store while I bought a newspaper. Through the window, I saw two guys getting physical with him, so I went outside and they took off. I muttered, "Yeah, I thought so." They then turned around and beat the crap out of us. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By raynbowsend - 23/4/2009 05:22 - Malaysia

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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By doomed - 9/6/2009 01:28 - New Zealand

Today, the girl I am in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she is even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I am such a special friend to her and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML

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By Barking Mad - 4/8/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

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By educatedreptile - 9/12/2016 16:21 - Canada - Yorkton

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline 2 months ago. FML

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By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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By perfect - 4/2/2013 20:47 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

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By Jorgina226 - 11/8/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 00:36 - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By mute - 16/4/2016 00:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

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By Crunchy - 19/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By anon - 9/7/2011 04:48 - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

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By sunil - 13/6/2014 22:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2012 18:48 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By ADH2000 - 9/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Fred - 26/5/2011 06:00 - Canada

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By CooBerry3851 - 28/8/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

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By loser - 9/11/2012 16:07 - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

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By ohfantastic - 25/1/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I was sleeping with my boyfriend and woke up in his arms to hear him say "Mom, Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 05:19 - Australia

Today, at work, I dropped a heavy block of lead on my hand. On my hunt for ice, I had to tell my manager - who told her manager, who told the chief - in the end, the whole department found out and they made me fill in two long arsed incident reports. I had to fill them in myself with my busted up hand. FML

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By JenniWearsPrada - 20/4/2011 08:27

Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It's an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML

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By NoSexForMe - 13/7/2014 07:46 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2016 13:47

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 01:31 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

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By Anyonehiring - 28/6/2016 01:05 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

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By rebeccacaissie - 21/11/2010 18:16 - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By thatescalatedquickly - 7/11/2013 08:52 - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

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By KittenShitz - 25/12/2019 14:00

My reward

Today, I felt accomplished after I cleaned the whole house alone, but then I stepped backwards to admire my work and stepped into a pile of dog poop. FML

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Top comments

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

Comments

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

By RichardPencil | 28

#6716023 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

I hope he doesn't correct your grammar when you get up to speak.

"Hello, I'm ____, and I'm a alcoholic."

"AN alcoholic!"

By Bikkleman | 2

#6716024 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

Everybody leaves their job at the door, it doesn't matter who you see inside. Good on the both of you for seeking help:) good luck!!

By sporty061200r | 8

#6716037 - Thursday 24 November 2016 16:04

I don't blame him kids these days will drive anyone to drink

Reply

sillymama | 21

#6716180 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:37

That made me giggle. I totally see why it was down voted but it's funny too.
No hate please.

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6716181 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:50

I know why too. tree bewb man's lack of punctuation is quite disconcerting.

By namine120409 | 40

#6716081 - Thursday 24 November 2016 20:19

He must be a big fan of Ernest Hemingway.

By Fmlreadermostly | 20

#6716099 - Thursday 24 November 2016 21:38

Teachers are people too. It's great that you are both seeking help with something you've admitted is an issue!

By Joshawott | 21

#6716244 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:19

Those lessons must really be something, huh?

By Redlum | 7

#6716281 - Friday 25 November 2016 16:14

You don't understand how AA works, otherwise this would not be a problem let alone worthy of an FML. I don't really see the problem.

By SpectralTrix | 7

#6716706 - Sunday 27 November 2016 3:16

What's an aa? I am young...

Reply

MasterMcrib | 14

#6716964 - Sunday 27 November 2016 22:21

Alcoholics Anonymous.