Miscellaneous: Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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Out of it

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The Other Woman

By samabomination - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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By opinaise - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend got upset after I politely asked him to do the laundry. He takes every chance he gets to act macho and brag to people about how he's in the Marines, but apparently he is too much of a pussy to act like a man and clean his own clothes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

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By grann - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

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By Username

Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML

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By LovedByFamily - Germany - K?ln

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

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By teeth - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

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By N O - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

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By lahiros - Australia - Bentleigh East

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

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By housematefromhell

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

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By notonasoccertam - 6/9/2020 10:09 - United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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By qhu - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By aru9 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

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By Anonymous

Checked out

Today, at work, an old lady was staring at my crotch a lot. I looked down, thinking maybe I had an open fly. I didn't. FML

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By insertfoothere - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

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By steakysteak - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

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By ___Ruby_____

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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By gabbykinz13 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

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By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML

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By well okay then - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

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By Kevin - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

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By Christin Deason

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 20:00

Responsibilities

Today, I got chewed out by my boss. Why? Because my coworkers haven't gotten their work done. Now I have to scan them their work for them to complete it. FML

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By snappyPi

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Newport News

Classic

Today, after I helped get my boyfriend get a new job, he thanked me by dumping me for some whore who works there. FML

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By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

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By violetbcracecar - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

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By betchyo - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

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By couch_potato

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By sendhelp - United States - Provo

Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 05:01

Zamboni please

Today, I took a part time job at McDonald’s and started working in the kitchen. The floor is so greasy, you can’t walk normally, you move around like you’re on an ice rink. With some momentum built up, you can even slide a couple of meters when no one is looking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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Top comments

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

COMMENTS

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

By RichardPencil | 30

#6716023 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

I hope he doesn't correct your grammar when you get up to speak.

"Hello, I'm ____, and I'm a alcoholic."

"AN alcoholic!"

By Bikkleman | 2

#6716024 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

Everybody leaves their job at the door, it doesn't matter who you see inside. Good on the both of you for seeking help:) good luck!!

By sporty061200r | 8

#6716037 - Thursday 24 November 2016 16:04

I don't blame him kids these days will drive anyone to drink

Reply

sillymama | 21

#6716180 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:37

That made me giggle. I totally see why it was down voted but it's funny too.
No hate please.

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6716181 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:50

I know why too. tree bewb man's lack of punctuation is quite disconcerting.

By namine120409 | 40

#6716081 - Thursday 24 November 2016 20:19

He must be a big fan of Ernest Hemingway.

By Fmlreadermostly | 20

#6716099 - Thursday 24 November 2016 21:38

Teachers are people too. It's great that you are both seeking help with something you've admitted is an issue!

By Joshawott | 21

#6716244 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:19

Those lessons must really be something, huh?

By Redlum | 7

#6716281 - Friday 25 November 2016 16:14

You don't understand how AA works, otherwise this would not be a problem let alone worthy of an FML. I don't really see the problem.

By SpectralTrix | 7

#6716706 - Sunday 27 November 2016 3:16

What's an aa? I am young...

Reply

MasterMcrib | 14

#6716964 - Sunday 27 November 2016 22:21

Alcoholics Anonymous.