Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Nice neighborhood

Who's a good boy?

By MaKaDa - United States

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

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By feltuponthe69 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By bonertoolong - United States

Today, I tried to teach my dog tricks. Somehow, I thought it would be easier if I physically showed my dog how to roll, so I rolled on the floor in front of my dog. My sister recorded me and posted it on Facebook. Now everyone thinks I'm an idiot and my dog still can't roll. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By wetboy - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By mlowy - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By jjjjjohn cena - United States - Omaha

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By great parenting pal - 11/8/2020 02:01

Child labor

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

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By Weirdo - United States

Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By Lickmylovepump - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

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By lawdwhy

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

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By yuck - United Kingdom

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

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By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By PissedAtLife - United States

Today, I was invited to a counseling group for people with emotional problems. I brought the permission slip home for my mom to sign, only for her to accuse me of being a hypochondriacal, lazy, selfish bitch. And my friends wonder why I have problems. FML

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By chocobo

Supreme Betrayal

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

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By AudraRose - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

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By fudgydiaper22 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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By pissed off - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

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By kahemae44 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

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By LosTits - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By queenxalee - United States - Orange

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guy I've been madly in love with for ages finally asked me out. I excitedly said yes. I waited a half an hour for him to show up, with another girl and say, "Where's your date?" I was asked to go on a double date, but apparently he forgot to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By drymouth - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boss brought us some small cakes from a recent trip to China. I opened mine and noticed a little foil packet wrapped with the cake, so I thought it was a powdered topping. I had a couple of bites before my coworker told me it was actually a desiccant to keep the cakes fresh. FML

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By whatjusthappened - United States - Loveland

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to a note on my nightstand from my fiancée, along with the ring I proposed to her with yesterday, which stated that not only was she not ready to be married, but she’d been planning to end things before I “blindsided" her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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By catslave - New Zealand

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By zarko - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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By Eskyew - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

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By leeseyxoxo - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

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By iheartmorons - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By Tasty - United States

Today, I went into a restaurant and sat at a bar near three guys who appeared to be 19 or 20. They did not acknowledge me. 15 minutes later, my burger arrived. They all ran over to ask me about it. I haven't been hit on in months. My cheeseburger is more attractive to men than I am. FML

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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Top comments

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

COMMENTS

By tigerisabelle | 31

#6715950 - Thursday 24 November 2016 9:59

He can't say anything and neither can you so pretend it never happened.

But yes FYL, but good on you for seeking help. You're a hell of a person. Best of luck in your recovery.

By whatshuman43 | 8

#6715970 - Thursday 24 November 2016 11:32

Well now he has two hints at the letter grade he's giving you this year

By RichardPencil | 28

#6716023 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

I hope he doesn't correct your grammar when you get up to speak.

"Hello, I'm ____, and I'm a alcoholic."

"AN alcoholic!"

By Bikkleman | 2

#6716024 - Thursday 24 November 2016 15:00

Everybody leaves their job at the door, it doesn't matter who you see inside. Good on the both of you for seeking help:) good luck!!

By sporty061200r | 8

#6716037 - Thursday 24 November 2016 16:04

I don't blame him kids these days will drive anyone to drink

Reply

sillymama | 21

#6716180 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:37

That made me giggle. I totally see why it was down voted but it's funny too.
No hate please.

Reply

cootiequeen4444 | 11

#6716181 - Friday 25 November 2016 8:50

I know why too. tree bewb man's lack of punctuation is quite disconcerting.

By namine120409 | 40

#6716081 - Thursday 24 November 2016 20:19

He must be a big fan of Ernest Hemingway.

By Fmlreadermostly | 20

#6716099 - Thursday 24 November 2016 21:38

Teachers are people too. It's great that you are both seeking help with something you've admitted is an issue!

By Joshawott | 21

#6716244 - Friday 25 November 2016 14:19

Those lessons must really be something, huh?

By Redlum | 7

#6716281 - Friday 25 November 2016 16:14

You don't understand how AA works, otherwise this would not be a problem let alone worthy of an FML. I don't really see the problem.

By SpectralTrix | 7

#6716706 - Sunday 27 November 2016 3:16

What's an aa? I am young...

Reply

MasterMcrib | 14

#6716964 - Sunday 27 November 2016 22:21

Alcoholics Anonymous.