Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
missanderson813 4
You should've gave her a bar of soap then told her to put her pants back on. nasty trick.
bigmackin35 0
Just don't quite know wat to say to that
perdix 31
"I think I'm going to be sick." "Hey, that's what the last guy said!"
TopoX84 7
WOW... leave her, fin someone tht takes care of herself and is clean
OffToTheGayBar 9
I don't mind pubes. The rest frightens me.
goodgood_fml 5
Dirty cooch? Clean it up with RepHresh. Found at your local Wal-Mart and/or drug stores!! After all, bathing won't fix all pH issues. Anything other than pH or yeast needs to be looked at by the OBGYN soon as possible!!
GothInside 6
The least of ur worries?? Oh gawd please don't tell us she let u surf the red tide without warning u!! Sounds like ur chick has some crotch issues!!!
heyred 11
She didn't "attend"? Then she should have declined. Nasty.
prettygirl222 1
Eww!
mbuck87 19
**** that man tell her to have a shower first next time!