Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
loserman67 36
OKay, thank you for the diet assistance because I just had to throw away the bagel I was eating while reading this post. That stinks Dude! ^^ see what I did there ^^
halfprincess 3
I hope you didn't puke while she held your hair and said she loves you
blink978 1
Im sending a 20 dollar restaurant card for your pain.
jujubunni5 9
Hey! Maybe she didnt know. Its hard to keep up on shaving everyday plus that isn't healthy. And sometimes that happens to all of us. She just forgot to check herself. And wrecked herself. And all you mean men don't even consider that dark sodas make vaginas smell! :/ geeze.
SaturnV 25
Consuming dark soda (if that's even true) couldn't possibly make them smell as badly as neglecting proper hygienic practices down there does.
mikeymayhem_87 15
I doubt dark soda has anything to do with cleanliness...
lyssgross 16
Get. A. Shirt. On. And while you're at it, quit commenting stupid shit like this.
heitwl 1
Dark soda is that. Code for something?
KylieJ96 2
Wax then KEEP UP ON TRIMMING. Freaking make sure you're clean too and not be lazy. 15 years old, don't even have sex- I can do it. It's not healthy to smell or have stuff up there that doesn't belong either!
Dustin_Pedobear 9
I have to disagree with you on the dark soda theory. Even if soda(or any of the other countless things people say affect vaginal smell and the taste of semen) actually DID have any effect, it would surely be unnoticeable unless OP's GF was consuming huge amounts of it. But even so, I personally doubt that soda would have anything to do with it.
Crazberry 5
Oh noo D: You poor, poor guy. Don't let that experience spoil it for you, there are cleaner girls out there. Maybe tell her and if she doesn't clean herself up then you'll know you need to find someone new...
ahabsfan 17
She needs to go out with the bug in the foreskin guy.
heyitslexx 3
Haha I read that one yesterday!
FalconCrunch 4
Oh GOD. Their union would probably spawn forth some unimaginable terror that would end the world.
FajitaFreak 3
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I never understood why people like oral sex, to be perfectly honest. To me, it seems revolting. People pee from there, not to mention pubic hair, and women also have the red river. And other bodily fluids from arousal. There's absolutely no reason I want to put my face and tongue near that.
Colonel_Lexi 18
Obviously you've never received any oral before.
DocBastard 40
Some people understand that sex isn't just about them, and they enjoy giving other people pleasure. If you don't like the fluids and such, try doing it in the shower the first time. It'll change your (and her) universe.
Crazberry 5
I used to think like that, then I discovered that being the one to drive your partner crazy with pleasure is quite addicting...
CadyAsInKatie 8
Exactly what I was gonna say, 98! I seriously thought I'd NEVER EVER do that, but when we did... >< it grew on me, ya know?
adamk1989 0
That really sucks bro. Tell her to shave that shit and get a gallon of douche!
twisted_cherub 14
NO! No douche. Frequent douching destroys the pH balance of a woman's system. Mild soap & a good spray from a handheld shower head work wonders, especially when done daily. Also helps to use better TP, trim the overgrowth, avoid massive intake of dairy products or foods with heavy dyes/preservatives/artificial flavors, eat plenty of red meat and fresh fruits (except citrus), and actually care about what your partner has to go through when they go down. Note: all this stuff applies equally to both sexes.
P_to_the_AM 9
Makes me wonder what the worst problems were... Thats just nasty!
SoultheWolf 19
That's ******* disgusting, she should really clean herself and shave her pubes...