Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

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Goodbye Bill

Optimism

Sweet dude

By Jessica - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By xharuki - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before close (2am) and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

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By MWT77 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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By Juanna - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

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By KarlwithaK - United States

Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

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By awalc - United States

Today, I woke up with Skittles super glued to my forehead. FML

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By muffdriver - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the guy I've liked for a long time and told him how I felt. He didn't say anything except for "hello." After I spilled my feelings, I hear "Haha, just kidding I'm not here right now! Call me back later!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took the dog for a 45 minute walk/jog. She sniffed everything on the ground like she always does. She marked her territory twice and we finally got home. As soon as I took her off the leash inside she ran to the kitchen and took a dump right on the kitchen mat. FML

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By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By accident - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By PLU - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

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By ohnolunch - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, and made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informs me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

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By Caitlin - United States

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, I walked in on my parents doing it. Luckily they didn't see me so I slipped out. I looked outside, trying to take my mind of the horrors I had just witnessed, only to realize my dad's car wasn't in the driveway. FML

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By Crystal - France

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

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By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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By wow, thanks - United States - Seattle

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

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By sosoram - United States - Victorville

Today, I learned that the gentleman that found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML

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By Tiana - United States

Today, I asked a waiter at a restaurant if I could go in the kitchen to compliment the chef. She turned out to be really pretty, so trying to be cool, I leaned back onto what I thought was a table. It turned out to be a stove, and my shirt caught fire. FML

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By bob - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

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By nightowl506 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 20:06

Don't drag me into this

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 09:01 - Canada - Fredericton

Practical

Today, my 27-year-old boyfriend told me he hides our condoms in his Poké Ball. FML

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By lorahayes - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

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By atmac95 - United States

Today, I am expected to write an 8 page essay, due tonight. The reason why I don't even have one page yet? My mom decided to take away the only computer I have the essay saved on because I have an 'F' in English. The essay is for English. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By numbtongue - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By huh? - 22/7/2020 20:00

Race against the clock

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

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Top comments

By potentpotable | 0

#110763 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:12

"Today, I was at the park feeding pigeons like a normal homeless person. A young man walked by and threw some fries on the ground. I dashed for the fries, but then the birds fought with me for them. FML."

By vvtumblesbee | 0

#110726 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:01

that's happened to me at the beach, but they were seagulls... and they attacked me x_x

COMMENTS

By vvtumblesbee | 0

#110726 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:01

that's happened to me at the beach, but they were seagulls... and they attacked me x_x

Reply

someone2me2 | 1

#968444 - Friday 26 March 2010 7:48

roflmao

Reply

TheyCallMeMclovi | 0

#1887448 - Friday 24 December 2010 21:35

that's fricken awesome dude

By kristenlee | 3

#110727 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:02

Did they at least get a good bite outta her too?

By NoKo_fml | 0

#110728 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:03

Isnt it more like FHL

Today, I was feeding pigeons and some jerk came by and threw his fries on the ground. Suddenly the entire population of pigeons in the park were all arround and over me, covering me in birdshit. FML

By lady4 | 0

#110739 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:07

DEFINITELY FHL

By YallNoobs | 0

#110743 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:07

WIN

By Trix_Disorder | 20

#110758 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:10

That's just funny, no FYL/FHL needed.

By mf_fml | 0

#110759 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:11

HAHAHA, "YES" TO #5.

By shaPOW | 0

#110760 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:12

pigeons are so picky these days.

By potentpotable | 0

#110763 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:12

"Today, I was at the park feeding pigeons like a normal homeless person. A young man walked by and threw some fries on the ground. I dashed for the fries, but then the birds fought with me for them. FML."

Reply

YDIBITCHES | 0

#561978 - Monday 14 September 2009 4:37

WIN

Reply

SuperFlyDinosaur | 0

#1202082 - Saturday 7 August 2010 4:33

LMFAO

Reply

gilmorefan | 17

#6121499 - Tuesday 18 November 2014 3:08

I hope you went back and helped her.

By lovexmusic | 0

#110774 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 20:15

lmfaooooooooooooooo #3 that was great.